Garrymede

A photo of Garrymede, he was rather happy to be visited.

Garrymede, otherwise known simply as Garry, was a sentient planet/independent web/game developer formed around 4 billion BB.

Early Life

Garrymede was, like most planets, formed by the God of planets and moons, Leosis. Normally, this would be all there was to Garry, however Leosis was rather lonely given his brother’s death and his father being very busy with Employer things, such as serving The I, so Leosis granted Garry sentience to help ease his loneliness. Garry and Leosis shared a very tight bond all the way until Leosis decided to open the Restaurant at the End of the Omniverse. After Leosis' venture into the food industry proved infinitely successful, Garry and Leosis fell out of contact leaving Garry quite lonely as he was the only sentient planet in the entire Omniverse at this point in time.

The GarryNet

Garry spent a number of years simply orbiting his star, Thuja. Garry was, understandably, very fucking bored and he began to tinker with some of the natural metals within his crust and eventually created the GarryNet. Garry's invention of the GarryNet was, to put it simply, the most underrated achievement in the entire Omniverse as it would remain one of the largest leaps in technological communication for many milleniums. Unfortunately for Garry, he had not considered the fact that he would be the only person capable of using the GarryNet and this made him very very sad. Poor Garry. Despite this, Garry found a use for the GarryNet as a way to document his thoughts and feelings as a sort of diary. Most entries detailed Garry's longing for the times in which his father Leosis still talked to him and was not busy becoming the Omniverse's first gorillionaire.

First Contact

Many many decades later, Garry had his first interaction with another living being. It was a rather unfortunate Combine footsoldier who had deserted the Empire and was on the run. This footsoldier was named Athis Jarbaloks, and he was never aware he had crash-landed on a sentient planet at all. Unfortunately, Garry was so excited to have finally met another living being, that he never noticed that Athis spent his entire time on his surface looking for materials to repair his ship. Once Athis inevitably abandoned Garry, it deeply saddened him as he thought he had finally made a friend.

Garry meets the Combine

15 years later the Combine Empire, in its expansion into the Milky Way Galaxy, came across Garry. Garry was very friendly to the Combine seeker ships that had discovered him, but the Combine troops onboard were not particulary mentally prepared for the sight of a living planet and most of them entered days-long psychosis episodes in which many of them died. When the Combine troops had finally ceased losing their shit at the sight of Garry, they attempted to communicate with him. They found that Garry was rather polite and agreeable, even allowing them to set up stations on his surface. The Combine troops then officially conducted Garry into the Combine Armed Forces, which greatly pleased Garry as he was proud to be part of a group for once. Garry and the Combine troops spent many weeks talking about the Omniverse, as Garry had not known of anything outside of his solar system. The Omniverse quite simply amazed Garry, and he desperately wished to be able to visit all of it someday. It was then that Garry came up with an idea. He devised a way for him to leave his mark on the Omniverse.

Spread of The GarryNet

Thankfully for Garry, the Combine's communication network was rather shit so when Garry approached them with the blatantly superior GarryNet, they gladly accepted the technology. Unfortunately, the entire company assigned to Garry was needed on the transport in order to ensure the survival of the GarryNet copy. When the company arrived in Combine-controlled space, they immediately presented it to the local garrison commander. The commander gladly accepted the technology and ordered a transport back to the Andromeda Galaxy where it could be implemented into every piece of Combine technology. However, the commander did not believe that the company had genuinely encountered a living planet so he had the entire group executed on basis of mental instability. Garry would never truly know what had happened to his friends and waited a very long time for them to come back. He was also very upset that they had not bothered to return a copy of his greatest creation.

Garry's Mod

Many decades following the disappearance of his Combine friends, Garry was suddenly approached by Waifurian interplanetary colonists and they began a small settlement on his surface. Garry was admittedly surprised that his new friends did not immediately go insane like the previous ones but gladly welcomed them. (He was unaware that the entire colonization force was made up of survivors and veterans of the Great META War and had seen much worse and bizzare things than his sentience.) One of the colonists spent his free time creating and playing games using the Source engine, a revolutionary game engine designed by Dr. Gordon Freeman for his school science fair. Garry saw the Source Engine and was quite simply amazed at its, well, limitless potential. Garry quickly copied the engine, albeit illegally, onto a pirated version of what his friends called the "Internet." Not long after, Garry created a sandbox-type game using assets created from not only his friends but from across the Omniverse and soon published his first, and most successful, game. This game came to be known as Garry's Mod.

Garry's Moment

Garry's Mod soon blew up in popularity across the Omniverse, earning him quite a bit of cash (Which he was unfortunately never able to use due to him being orbitally locked to a fucking star.) Garry quickly became one of the most popular beings in the entire Omniverse, releasing update after update to Garry's Mod and watching his popularity, and earnings, constantly rise. This lasted for many decades and Garry was very happy to finally have so many friends and fans.

Nibiruan Factorium

Unfortunately for Garry, unforeseen consequences awaited him. The AI onboard the rogue planet Nibiru had selected Thuja as a potential candidate for relocation. While scanning for lifeforms, the AI discovered Garry and he was immediately determined to be unacceptable for the return of the Annunaki. The AI navigated Nibiru within just the perfect angle for its gravity to rip a large chunk of Garry's surface crust off, leaving a massive area with his mantle exposed. As the AI made another pass to end Garry, the Waifurian settlers on his surface began firing on the Winged Star of Terror. The AI was not aware of the presence of sentient life on Garry's surface and immediately turned course to begin searching for another suitable star. Unfortunately, a large portion of the Waifurians on Garry's surface had perished from the Nibiruan attack, and their colony could not recieve aid due to the ongoing 2nd Great META War. This resulted in most of the colonists fleeing Garry in order to seek other worlds to inhabit, leaving him all alone yet again. Little did Garry know, this was not going to be the worst thing to happen to him that year.

Wrath of Waifuria

Garry's rise in popularity had raised questions for a few people such as "How would a sentient planet ever legally acquire software built hundreds of thousands of lightyears away from it?" This quickly became a cause for concern for the JFSOCD (J.F. Sweets Omniversal Crimes Division) over copyright infringement. To add on, the WCIA (Waifurian Central Intelligence Agency) had discovered within the archives on the Combine homeworld that Garry was not only a registered member of their armed forces, but had willingly gifted them technology without a profit incentive. Garry was now known as a communist, copyright infringer, and Combine collaborator which added to a total of 87 death sentences. Immediately, both organizations began a collaboration effort to bring Gary to justice. 3 days after the collaboration announcement, Waifuria Prime's hyperdrives activated for the first time in many many years. In a mere 45 minutes, the space station had entered Gary's orbit. Gary was very happy to meet these new visitors of his, until suddenly a blast of pure Legumish energy ripped through the newly formed crust on his scar from Nibiru. The process took about 10 minutes and was incredibly agonizing, but eventually Garry's core stability failed and he was blown to smithereens.

Epilogue

Following the death of Garry, Leosis was first to be informed. When told the news of his son's death he merely replied "Who the hell is Garry?" Shortly after, Garry's entire fortune was gifted to Leosis as he was his only family member. Eventually, Garry's Mod lost nearly all of its players due to the lack of updates. (Unbeknownst to the Omniverse, before his execution Garry was nearly finished with mod support)

And that's the tale of the Kroasis Cretin.

(It is entirely unknown how he got that name.)