Joxef Rabinex Bydon XII

Joxef Rabinex Bydon XII

Joxef Rabinex Bydon XII was an intergalactic warmonger and was appointed ruler of the Saturnian Faction in 999,100 AB. A distant descendant of Joe Biden (via Hunter Biden's illegitimate Rat Son) , Joxef warshipped his brainrotten ancestor, and believed that somewhere in the Omniverse, the Mummy still slumbered.

Orbital Bombardment of Garraxia

Siege of Garraxia

in 999,093 AB, Joxef led the Saturnian Siege of Garraxia. A battalion 400 strong of Saturnian warships descended on the Garraxian capital city of Brillonia, and Joxef broadcast the customary Saturnian 'Surrender or Die' message. Much to Joxef's surprise, no response came back from the surface. After waiting several minutes, and sending the message again, Joxef ordered the land invasion troops to begin preparing for touchdown.

Joxef was no ordinary military leader; oh no. Joxef was the first one to set foot on the battlefield, before all of his men.

Joxef stepped off of his command ship, and was immediately greeted by a Garraxian photonic warhead, which blasted him with a massive, incalculable quantity of excessive photons in a blinding white flash. Joxef, having inherited the Bidonic family Immortality, was of course, completely unfazed by this. Joxef brushed off the ashes of what had, seconds before, been his two best soldiers, and called for the next ranking officers to flank him.

The True Scourge of The Omniverse

Joxef was ruthless. His immortality had made him fearless and apathetic towards life across the Omniverse. He conquered, enslaved, and slaughtered entire civilizations- but it wasn't for money. It wasn't for power. Joxef did it for fun.

Joxef ordered his ground invasion forces to take Brillonia. He stood and watched as they stormed off of the launch ships, Greenspill guns in hand. Joxef's men held strong at first; they did fairly well against the unarmed civilian population. Soon after though, the Garraxian Ubermilitary arrived, and began putting up a fight. Joxef toyed with them for a while, giving his men bad orders in order to feign progress to the Garraxians. Joxef grew annoyed when the Garraxians began making actual progress, and then ordered a full-scale orbital bombardment (with several thousand troops still on the surface). Joxef's Naval commanders, loyal till the end, immediately began firing away. Joxef's Saturnian men and Garraxians alike became engulfed in the dusty, magenta explosions of the Brillonian city soil. Joxef stood amongst the wreckage, looking up at his fleet with pride.

Death Warrant

Although he would never admit it to himself, Joxef wanted only one thing in life. After being alive for two million years- Joxef wanted to die. Joxef had tried everything- burning, drowning, electrocution, nuclear bombardment- he even blew up a planet while on the surface in an attempt to die. Unfortunately for Joxef, he survived even this.

Joxef hadn't expected the orbital bombardment to kill him; of course. He'd hoped it would have hurt, though.

Joxef pondered the many ways he'd tried to die, as people fell to the ground in agony all around him. He was shocked suddenly, when he saw a small spaceship headed towards the city- not away from it- and ordered his navy officers to cease fire immediately. This could be interesting.

Hunter Biden, in the flesh. Or Rather, in the HEV-6 Suit.

Biden Meets Bydon

Hunter Biden, in the midst of his Grand Omniversal Quest for Parental Acceptance, had heard rumblings of his distant descendant- the feared Joxef XII- and had come to meet with him, in hopes of putting their smarts together to locate Joe Biden.

The two were able to determine immediately their connection to one another; this was a phenomenon known in the Biden bloodline as 'Bidensense'.

Hunter stepped off of his ship, with a pint of chocolate chocolate chip ice cream (customary Biden family peace offering). Joxef took the pint graciously, and offered a pint of Human Flesh Milkcream in return, which Hunter politely declined.

Joxef ordered all of his troops to fall back from Garraxia, and immediately boarded Hunter's spaceship, This would be Joxef's first official 'loss' as a military commander- something which was horribly unfortunate for him (more on that later).

The Mummysearch

The two Bidens began divulging their full knowledge of Joe Biden. Hunter recounted tales of thirty million years prior, when he had been but a small boy, growing up with his mindrotten father on Earth. Hunter shared everything he knew; up this father's last appearance, in the fiery blue Legumish Incarnate. Hunter explained to Joxef that he hadn't seen or heard from, or of, his father since.

Joxef, of course, had never met the Mummy, but was endlessly fascinated with Hunter's tales of what Joxef percieved as 'glory days'. He reminisced, then, about his childhood...

Mummy Stories

Since he'd been a child, Joxef had heard legends of his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather; his parents had told him many tales. They'd said he was a fearless warrior, a cunning politician, and the smartest man alive. They told Joxef how Joe Biden had heroically vanquished the Grave Maggot King from the mystical land known as 'Armorikun'. They said Joxef had ruled the Wayfairian Empire for hundreds of thousands of years with an iron fist and a stable mind, leading to the galaxy prospering. Joxef's father especially loved to recount a tale, in which he claimed Joe Biden arrived on a planet known as 'Shackleballs Grapefruit' and had single-handedly saved the entire ecosystem from extinction.

Dear reader, you of course know, that these stories are horribly false and twisted. But alas; the winners write history. And the Mummy was not many things; he was, however, for some unknowable reason, a winner.

Joxef believed these stories were true, though, and aimed to model himself totally after Joe Biden. If Joxef had known what Mummy was truly like, perhaps he might have reconsidered....

Come out, come out, wherever you are, Mummy...

Forbidden Magics

Hunter showed Joxef his Omniversal Map, of which at this point, he'd visited roughly 3% of. Hunter aimed to search every planet in existence to find Joe Biden. Joxef pledged the entire Saturnian army to this cause; which Hunter accepted, graciously. Joxef excused himself, and placed a call to his naval commander, immediately ordering every Saturnian troop to begin scouring the Omniverse for Joe Biden.

Well, word got around, and soon... other entities began attempting to assist in the search. Namely, one Yonise- which had long slumbered in the Kuiper Belt. The Yonise hated Mummy- after all, Mummy had put it in the Yonise Stronghold all those years ago.

The Yonise was a good Christian; so it didn't want revenge; however, it did want... retribution.

So, the Yonise began enacting an ancient Pangean summoning spell, aiming to bring Hunter, Joxef, and Joe Biden together in one place- so it could set them straight, once and for all. It's unclear what exactly the Yonise intended to do; however, whatever it was, it probably wouldn't have been pretty.

Alas, dear reader, the Yonise's magic had waned over the years; and it made a catastrophic mistake. Instead of writing 'Joe Biden' into the Sacred Text Command Enchantium, the Yonise wrote 'Koe Biden'- a simple mistake- yet a wretched one.

Minor Spelling Mistake

Koe Biden was a beautiful planet. It was, however, totally irrelevant to the wants of Joxef, Hunter, or the Yonise; and yet, the three found themselves suddenly brought together there, face to face with the Thinker.

This merry band, Joxef, Hunter, and the Yonise, found themselves suddenly standing on the lush forest planet of Koe Biden (thanks to a minor spelling mistake). Joxef and Hunter had no idea that the Yonise had brought them there; they assumed it was a native.

The three stood directly in front of the stoic visage of the Koe Thinker, the supreme ruler and supercomputer which watched over the entire planet. The Thinker judged them- the three of them.

"WHY HAVE YOU COME BEFORE ME?", The Thinker bellowed, staring into the souls of the pitiful creatures immortals in front of him.

"We search for my father", Hunter replied.

The Thinker paused for a moment.

"WHO IS YOUR FATHER?", The Thinker replied, somewhat caught off guard (usually, the Thinker was approached only about complex math problems or philosophical questions).

Hunter took a deep breath, and closed his eyes, knowing the reputation that preceded his Brainrotten Old Man.

"Joe Biden."

The Thinker glowered down at them.

"YOU COME HERE BEFORE ME- YOU SEEK A KILLER. YOU SEEK A MURDERER. A MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR BILLIONS OF DEATHS. A MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR THE RUINATION OF THE GALAXY. AND YET YOU DARE COME BEFORE ME... YOU COME BEFORE ME LOOKING FOR THIS MONSTER?"

"Please- I can explain-"

The Thinker cut Hunter off.

"YOUR FATHER ATONED FOR NONE OF HIS CRIMES. NOW... YOU THREE SHALL PAY IN HIS PLACE. YOU WANT JOE BIDEN? HAVE ALL OF THE BIDEN YOU WANT!"

Any Way You Want It

The three were suddenly and violently raptured out of the Omniverse, and brought to a cyberrealm of the Thinker's own creation- which the Thinker had completely assembled in approximately .06 seconds.

"WELCOME... ENJOY YOUR STAY..." The Thinker said. With that, the three were left alone.

"Who the fuck are you?", Hunter said after a moment, looking to the Yonise.

The Yonise ignored him, trying to permeate the dimensional walls of the mysterious realm. It found itself unable to do so.

The three sat in the dark crypt for a while, in a very awkward silence, until a hooded figure slowly approached them.

It leaned heavily on a cane, and walked with a limp. Whatever it was, it was clearly very old.

'J-j-jack...', the figure whispered weakly, before reaching a gnarled hand up to its hood.

"D-dad?" Hunter gasped. Joxef was too stunned to speak.

"You made your old man proud, son", the creature said. It resembled Joe Biden- but something was very wrong.

"I- I did?"

The creature flashed a hideous smile- the teeth were too sharp.

"Of course. All those people you killed- all those civilizations you burned- why, you're almost as bad as your old man. Almost".

It was at this moment that Hunter took a step back, noticing something was very wrong.

Joxef didn't notice anything, and reached out his hand (attempting to shake hands with his idol). The creature ignored him, and stepped towards Hunter.

This was very heartbreaking for Joxef, who began sobbing uncontrollably. After all that search, his greatest hero couldn't even be bothered to greet him?

Now that was on par for the Mummy.

Eldritch Horrors, Jack

The Flesh began to grow.

The cloak suddenly fell away, and it was revealed that this was far more than what the trio had bargained for. Horrible tentacles reached out from the creature's torso, and began flicking towards our Merry Band. Hunter Biden brandished the Bidensaber, and began lopping off the veiny, fleshy tentacles. The three began running, however, they soon realized just how small the space they'd been placed into was.

The creature closed in on them, snarled inhumanely and growling. A rotten smell emitted from within its torso. The three soon realized that they were no match for this monster.

Joxef, prone to killing, and filled with rage at the deception he'd just endured- made a rash, selfless sacrifice. He barrelled towards the creature, pulling out his sword which he had used to kill millions of innocent creatures- hoping to take down just one more.

Joxef charged at the creature, slashing it in half with the sword, but being consumed in the fleshy aftermath in the process. Joxef disappeared into an amorphous mound of flesh and blood- and, for a moment, everything was still.

The Yonise and Hunter stood over the pile of flesh, in silence. They mourned their loss of their associate- but only for a moment- as an even more horrific creature began to rise from the meat.

Brandonism

A massive face resembling Joe Biden, mounted on a multi-limbed monstrosity of blood and tentacles, rose over the people. A lifeless replica of Joe Biden appeared underneath. The clone began chasing after Hunter and the Yonise, screaming in an inhumane tongue.

Hunter and the Yonise found themselves soon cornered against the wall. The massive Joe Biden head approached them, licking its lips and moaning brainrottenly. Hunter beheaded the smaller clone, but the larger one remained, and slowly lowered its monstrous head to Hunter's face, and was just about to lick his forehead- when out of the top of its skull came Joxef, brandishing his sword, and holding a hunk of hideous flesh in one hand.

The horror collapsed to the floor, unconsciously.

Bidentruths

The area around our Merry Band suddenly faded, and the three found they had been standing in front of the Thinker the entire time.

"MAYBE NEXT TIME... BEFORE YOU TRY TO DO SOMETHING SO STUPID... YOU WILL... THINK...", the Thinker said, before cracking a smile. The three flesh-covered immortals stared up at it in silence.

Epilogue

After being horribly scarred by this encounter, Hunter Biden reconsidered his life of tyranny and violence, and actually adopted a pacifist lifestyle. He put his Grand Mummysearch on pause, and took some time to really search for himself (substance abuse).

Joxef, on the other hand, failed to see any moral meaning to the situation, and returned to Saturn, only to be immediately arrested for losing a battle, and being sentenced to death. Joxef, was, of course, not killed, and, frustrated, threw himself into the clouds of Saturn, never to be seen again.

The Yonise went to Makemake, and spend grand, splendorous years there.