Lagos Accords

The Eye of Lagos watches eternally, itself an amalgamation of nonsense and nonexistence.

The Lagos Accords, oftentimes referred to as the Lagos Convention, or Lagos Summit, were a vile collection of international laws "agreed" upon by the nations of Earth following the Nigerian Riftswallow Attempt of 11 AB, at the behest of the Waifurian Empire.

Origin

The Lagos Accords were originally concieved in 0 AB by United States President Donald J. Trump, the Great MAGA King, as an anti-war measure to protect against the threat of terrestrial civil war in the future. However, these plans quickly fell through following the Bidonic Ascent, wherein Joe Biden was handed a literal red sharpie and told to "Go Wild" with the Lagos Accords. Hence, the following laws were passed, being applied to all Waifurian Ally states (and, by default, all nations on Earth besides Ohio).

Accord I: Free Speech

Producing Grilled Cheese in a private domicile is a capital felony punishable by death. Additionally, The Earth shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, unless that religion is officially sanctioned and endorsed by the Waifurian Emperor himself. The Emperor of Waifuria may not be questioned, under any circumstances, under threat of public mutilation or trial by firing squad.

Accord 2: Right to Bear Arms

Each individual may bear whichever limbs he, she, they, or Bradley is born unto; however, no individual may possess more than the natural number of limbs for his, hers, theirs, or Bradley's species. Any individual found liable of possessing an excess of seven limbs will be executed by firing squad.

Accord 3: Penis Inspection Regularium

Each month, on the eve of the Full Moon, (or twice per month, given the duplicity of a Full Moon) each penis-possessing individual, dead, alive, or otherwise, must present themselves at an official Waifuria-Sanctioned Cock and Ball Checkpoint. These Cock and Ball Checkpoints will be located in polling places, so as to avoid confusion. Any individual failing to procure his, hers, theirs, or Bradley's cock will be sentenced to death by firing squad.

Accord 4: Eye of Lagos

Do not under any circumstances look at the Eye of Lagos. Any citizen found researching this matter will be decapitated on the spot, and their head placed on a spike and displayed on a special Government-sanctioned Instagram Live session later that afternoon.

Accord 5: Intergalactic Affairs

Any individual found to be in contact with extraplanetary organizations, or governments, for that matter, is a traitor to the Empire and must immediately be castrated and placed into a vat of boiling glue, permanently.

Accord 6: Global Peace

There will be global peace and all nuclear bombs must be turned over to me jack

Accord 7: Rectum

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Accord 8: Search and Seizure

The Waifurian Empire retains the right to, for any cause, and for any reason, without warrant, or otherwise, enter the 'private' domocile of any citizen of Earth or Mars and remain present there for as long as they see fit. The citizen will be expected to provide food, clothing, and meals to Waifurian Imperial troops. Any citizen unable, or unwilling, to provide in this way will be shot in the head.

Accord 9: Senility

No Age Limit may ever be established by any government agency, on Earth, or otherwise, pursuant to Section 55B of the Waifurian Cock-stitution.

Accord 10: Suffrage

All human males may vote.

Accord 11: J.F. Sweets

All citizens must have, on there person, at all times, at least one piece of proprietary J.F. Sweets Technology; be that a J.F. Sweetphone, J.F. Sweetphone Ultra, J.F. Sweetpods, J.F. Headpods, or J.F. Sweetvibrator. Any citizen who fails a regular J.F. Sweetcheck will be expected to report to their local Police Department, where they will be charged with espionage and sedition and immediately shot. Exceptions include children up to the age of 1.

Accord 12: Ocean

Eating mollusks is punishable by a 50 Trillion Euro fine and eighteen months hard labor at the bottom of the Mariana Trench (Diving Suit not included).

Accord 13: Defection

Any soldier found to be attempting to escape, abandon, or otherwise desert his duty in the Waifurian Empire, shall be immediately skinned alive, hung by the fingers from a flaming barbed wire, doused in oil, splattered in feathers, frozen cryogenically, and shot into the Sun.

Accord 15: Acknowledgements

Accord 14 was rendered unconstitutional, pursuant to Waifurian Decree 43020BD by Grand Justice James L. Fuck. This matter is not up for discussion.

Eye of Lagos

Soon after these accords were signed into International Law, a massive, glowing eyeball appeared inside of a gargantaun crystalline dome in downtown Lagos, Nigeria. It repeatedly demanded "Corpusculent Seawads" at increasingly bone-shattering volumes, evnetually growing so loud and so obnoxious that it caused daily earthquakes of 8.4-9.1 magnitudes. Lagos was eventually abandoned completely due to the unfortunate grumblings of the Eye of Lagos. It's origins, purpose, and identity remained unknown; that is, until many truths began to come to light near the end of the Third Great META War.

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