Babylon

Babel

Babylon was an ancient city ruled by the Immortal Hammurabi nestled quaintly in the province of Shinar, within Mesopotamia. Located entirely in a towering, monstrous building (known colloquially as the Stiff of Arabia) the city housed over 200,000,000,000 individuals at its height and was a major global hegemon in the East from roughly 8,000 BB to 2,000 BB.

Origin

Babylon was first constructed by real estate tycoon Hammurabi, whose blood ran thick by the pond of Legume. The earliest records detailing Babylon hail from 7,991 BB, in which Mesopotamian scholar Mah Ra Huck detailed the construction of a 'long circle' in the middle of the Earth's most fertile plain. Writes Mah Ra Huck;

"First, came the laymen; o, pitied filth were they-- the sun beat red upon their backs and their muscles bulged in anguish. Soon, though, came Hammurabi; their ruler and magistrate-- who bequeathed upon these workers a generous wage of $7.25 an hour-- and next, he gave unto them machines and tools with which to assist construction; not out of the goodness of his heart, no - but for the expedition of his personal interests. Hammurabi lent upon these laymen great yellow beasts of machine and steel (cranes), and instructed them n the magicks of rolling demons (steamrollers). And finally, when the first four stories of Babylon had been constructed, Hammurabi called unto his workforce and said this now- "Drink, ye slaves of Pangea- drink now from this special pond! For ye may be blessed then with the souls of the world, and ye may finally rest in peace." "

As Mah Ra Huck writes, the 'water' provided by Hammurabi did not meet Mesopotamian Health Bureau's reccomended bacterial standard; as such, 95% of the workforce soon died of dysentery on the job. Their bodies were buried in the walls of Babylon, and construction continued swimmingly.

New Hires

After this First Plague, Hammurabi hired yet 10,000 more workers from the rice fields out West; including many sordid men of the Biden crest. Among them were Rat Biden and Hat Biden; as well as 4 Biden and Bill Biden. These were the ancestors of the Fair Mummy, and what Ancestors were they; for 4000 years later the Bidens would initiate an Exodus from Babylon... but that story is for later.

Alas, the West-hailing workers continued construction of the Babylonian Phallus, learning to utilize the equipment provided to them by Hammurabi. The city was laid in stone brick by brick, and many sharecroppers and field laborers from across the land flocked to the gates of Babylon, feasting their eyes upon its untethered glory. Soon, the population of the fair city was great, above 1,000 , and Hammurabi declared himself Great Babel King. Heed that name, dear reader, for it may have a familiar ring unto thy sundered ears.

Hammurabi's Chode

By 7,800 BB Babylon was complete, with the dysenteried bodies of unfortunate souls left to rot within its lower crypts. Hammurabi was a great and grand King, and ruled with a golden fist. Herein, then, did Hammurabi complete his Edicts; known colloquially as 'Hammurabi's Chode' (Pronounced: Code). Herein now lay the laws of this land.

Hammurabi's Chode I

Legal Area	Laws	Specific Provisions
Offenses against the Administration of Law	1	If any one cum on another, putting a cum upon him, but he can not prove it, then he that came shall be put to death
Offenses against the Administration of Law	2	If any one bring an accusation against a man, then the accused must go to the river and leap into the river. if he sinks in the river his accuser shall take possession of his house. But if the river proves that the accused is not guilty, and he escapes unhurt, then he who brought the accusation shall be put to death by rolling demon (steamroller).
Offenses against the Administration of Law	3	If a judge try a case, reach a decision, and present his judgment in writing; if later error shall appear in his decision, and it be through his own fault, or if he be found to be a user of Xen hash and the like; then he shall pay twelve times the fine set by him in the case, and he shall be publicly removed from the judge's bench, and never again shall he sit there to render judgement.
Offenses against the Administration of Law	4	If any one steal the property of a temple or of the court, he shall be put to death, and also the one who receives the stolen thing from him shall be put to death, and also the family of the one who recieves the stolen thing from him shall be put to death, and also the neighbors of the family of the one who recieves the stolen thing shall be put to death, and also their neighbors, and also their neighbors.
Offenses against the Administration of Law	5	If any one lose an article, and find it in the possession of another: if the person in whose possession the thing is found say "A merchant sold it to me, I paid for it before witnesses," and if the owner of the thing say, "I will bring witnesses who know my property," then shall the purchaser bring the merchant who sold it to him, and the witnesses before whom he bought it, and the owner shall bring witnesses who can identify his property. The judge shall examine their testimony--both of the witnesses before whom the price was paid, and of the witnesses who identify the lost article on oath. The merchant is then proved to be a thief and shall be put to death. The owner of the lost article receives his property, and he who bought it receives the money he paid from the estate of the merchant. The judge shall then be put to death.
Offenses against the Administration of Law	6	If any one steal the minor son of another, he shall be put to death. If any one steal the minor daughter of another, he shall be fined One Gold Piece.
Property Rights	7	All persons dead or alive are property of the Great Babel King; this right of his regality shall never be Infringed, unless in the case of the collapse of Babylon, in which case, for the punishment of being an unfit king, he shall be put to death.
Property Rights	8	If persons are stolen, then shall the community and Yonise pay one mina of silver to their relatives and donate one modicum foreskin to the cause.
Property Rights	9	If fire break out in a house, and some one who comes to put it out cast his eye upon the property of the owner of the house, and take the property of the master of the house, he shall be thrown into that self-same fire, and also his family, and his neighbor, and his neighbor's neighbor.
Marital Law	10	If a man take a wife and this woman give her husband a maid-servant, and she bear him children, but this man wishes to take another wife, this shall not be permitted to him; he shall not take a second wife. However, should husband seek not a second wife, but instead a third wife, this shall thus be permissible, and man shall have first and third wife, but never two.
Marital Law	11	If a son strike his father, his hands shall be hewn off. If a son strike his mother, he shall pay One Gold Piece. If a son strike his brother, his eyes shall be fed to the Yonise at the domus; soon then following the son shall die.
Marital Law	12	If the rice paddy is dry; and if a man's wife is not producing, then he must sleep then now with another man; and produce herein a bountyful crop. He must therein be with Bidge and remember then his wife, whom he must reassure is fertile, and then must the wasps feast upon his knee joint, and then his eyes carven by ravens, fed to crows of the pond, and then, wherein his father lives, the father too shall be fed to crows of the pond, and then his father, if still lives does he, must be fed to the crows of the pond, and then his neighbor, and then his neighbor, and then his cousin, and the cousin's neighbor.

Abide

Despite the glorious intellect of Hammurabi, several of these codes proved problematic after some time; notable, for instance, were edicts 4,9, and 12, all of whom called for the execution of basically every person the victim had every interacted with, and everyone in their vicinity. And so, by 6,500 BB Hammurabi's Chode had been scrapped completely, replaced then with Hammurabi's Second Chode. This Second Chode was the template on which Benjamin Frunklin would base the United States Constitution, several thousand years later.

Hammurabi's Second Chode

Hammurabi's Chode II

Legal Area	Laws	Specific Provisions

Colonies

The Babylonian Empire conquered the Mediterranean isles of Wojakia in 6,432 BB, under the successful command of Babylonian Commander Ra Ma Sap. These isles proved to be instrumental in future conflicts not just for Babylon, but for the remainder of human history.