Cucumber Joe

Cucumber Joe

Cucumber Joe was the leader of the Coloradian Drug cartel. Cucumber Joe was the most ruthless and vile creature on Earth.

Ransom

Cucumber Joe organized the kidnappings and disappearances of several US Officials. He held them for ransom, demanding payment in Canadian $1 bills. The US Government obliged, sending 1.3 billion individually packaged Canadian $1 bills to an undisclosed location in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Cuke Drug Home

Cucumber Joe lived inside of a gigantic Sea Anemone, where he lurked with his minions, Sig'haroth (pictured left) and Suzanne Wilkins (pictured right). From here, Cucumber Joe ran the Coloradian Drug cartel remotely, organizing discreet high-profile drug transfers over popular video chatting site, Zoom.

Assassinations

Cucumber Joe was the subject of over 10,000 failed US (and later, Waifurian) CIA assassination attempts. These included poisoning (effectless), Anemone destabilization (failed), ricin injections (opposite effect), mercenaries (all drowned). The CIA also attempted to infiltrate Cucumber Joe's inner circle by training a pufferfish named Marnie to gain Cucumber Joe's trust. Unfortunately, Cucumber Joe ate Marnie and the plan was scrapped.

Rivaries

Cucumber Joe gained the ire of rival gangs during his time as leader of the Coloradian drug cartel; namely, he had a fierce rivalry with Pando, the Great Tree, a massive Aspen tree in Colorado who had been ousted as leader of the Coloradian drug cartel by Cucumber Joe. Pando had been ousted as part of a cyber-attack blackmail scandal, which was orchestrated by Sig'haroth and Suzanne Wilkins (at the direction of Cucumber Joe) with sonar equipment they had stolen from an Ecuadorian Fishing ship after sinking the vessel and eating its captain. Cucumber Joe and his cronies threatened to leak Pando's sensitive documents, including his birth certificate and Great Secret, to the United States government, as well as his criminal entanglements, unless he were to fork over control of the organization to Cucumber Joe (who was newly hatched). This, Pando did, and begrudgingly, leading to Cucumber Joe becoming the first-ever Remote Work Cartel Lord in the Western Hemisphere.

Cucumber Joe
Aliases	'Da Big Cuke' Papa Cumber Big Joey Lil Pickle Cuke Duke Don Pepino
Affiliation	Colorado Underworld (Leader)
Occupation	Drug Trafficker, Domestic Terrorist
Biographical information
Date of birth	07/22/03 BB
Place of birth	Pacific Ocean
Date of death	03/32/17 AB
Place of death	Pacific Ocean
Physical description
Species	Cukor
Gender	Male
Height	39'4
Weight	Incalculable
Eye color	White
Appearances

Sex Life

Cucumber Joe was a phallic immovable sea organism, and as such, enjoyed a splendorous Sex Life. Fish Strippers (Frippers) were oft summoned to the Great Anemone, where they engaged in aquatic oral play with Cucumber Joe. Cucumber Joe, when reaching completion, sent a fiery plume of magma up out of his head. This was due to him being situated above a volcano.

Goodbye Cucumber Joe

Cucumber Joe unfortunately passed away at the ripe old age of 20 in 17 AB, when the volcano underneath him which fed directly into his rectum exploded, (thanks to NASA meddling, a coordinated CIA plot) tearing him open from the inside and killing him slowly. His body slowly inflated with superheated magma, growing larger and larger, until suddenly, he popped. This was the end of Cucumber Joe.