Operation Warp Speed

Looking groovy, Mister Pence!

Operation Warp Speed was an initiative launched by United States President Donald John Trump's Space Force in 0 AB. The initiative aimed to harness Combine Technologies in order to develop warp speed travel for Earthlings, as fast as possible.

A Rocky Start

Operation Warp Speed was launched on January 6, 0 AB. The operation was headed by Magarrish Reincarnate, former Alduinian Sacrifice, and Vice President of the United States of America, Mike Pence.

In a public address, Pence claimed that the research facility that would be used to conduct tests was the Michael Jackson Center For Learning, in Cummings, Indiana. However, this was far from the case. In reality, Pence vetted a group of elite scientists from across the world, and, after a rigorous interrogation process, brought the five most qualified with him onto Airforce Two, his private airplane. He didn't tell the scientists where they were headed. They never could have guessed, either.

Ancient Pangean Sacrifice

When the plane landed, the humid, Memphisian air filled the nostrils of Pence's scientists. The Vice President directed several MTO footsoldiers to unload various pieces of Combine equipment from the luggage compartment of his plane. The Scientists were blindfolded and led away from the runway with dog leashes, with Pence charging ahead.

Pence suddenly stopped at a seemingly innocuous area of the runway. For a moment, everyone was still, with the wind blowing softly around this strange group. Suddenly, Pence raised his arms to the sky, whispering softly the names of those who had been sacrificed before him. The MTO soldiers were unfazed by this.

"By the glory of MAGA, Magarra, and all that is good and holy- oh, lord, please be with us on this glorious day. We offer you five of Earth's finest minds; we hope their immense knowledge brings you great satisfaction."

At the sound of this, the Scientists began screaming, attempting to run from the increasingly-warm pavement of the landing strip. The MTO soldiers held them tightly by their dog collars, and began pushing them into a Magarrish pentagram which had begun glowing on the ground underneath Pence. The Scientists' bodies began slowly heating up; starting at their fingers, they were slowly incinerated by the pure energy being radiated upon them. it was so hot, that the air boiled and their screams were heard by none.

After the sacrifice had been completed, the fiery glow faded from Pence's eyes, and he held his hands together in prayer.

Secret

The ground split open below Pence and the MTO soldiers and dark, narrow crevice was revealed, and Pence beckoned the soldiers to follow him. As they walked, the temperature decreased drastically, to the point where the MTO soldiers, in padded combat gear, were shivering. Pence showed no signs of discomfort. He stopped at a large, wrought-iron door, which had been coated with millenia of ice and snow.

He held his hand onto the door, and then, channeling the Legumish Quintessence, in a move that surprised even the Employers- Pence thrust the door open. The Employers had never seen, nor known, of a being capable of wielding both Magarrish and Legumish energies; the Auditor spit out his Cherry Cola when he was informed of this.

Pence motioned for the MTO soldiers to follow him into the large, ancient antechamber. Ornate, marble carvings of Donald Trump, Chraunor, Ed Wool, and various other deities adorned the walls. At this point in Omniversal History, this was the oldest structure of All Time. Built duirng the dawn of mankind of Earth, The Divine Sanctum had been untouched for billions of years. As the MTO soldiers unloaded the equipment, Pence began explaining;

"I'm sure all of you know a little bit about American history. You know about the Founding Father, the Civil War, and all of that. But I know you've heard other stories, haven't you?"

The footsoldiers offered no response. Pence chuckled soullessly.

"Oh, come on. Don't be a monkey's uncle! I know you've heard tales of the ancient times- haven't you?"

One soldier bravely responded. "No-No sir."

Pence chuckled even more soullessly. When he opened his mouth this time, his eyed rolled back in his head and his teeth were visibly rotting.

"Well then, let's talk.", Pence said dryly.

Tall, gaunt skeletal figures began streaming into the room. They began clearing out furniture and tearing the Combine technology apart, using mysterious ancient tools.

"The President I have served the American people in the past- we served them for eons. Under our Aeternian Empire, the people of this planet flourished. But before we brought light into this godless world...", Pence lit a match against his own forearm, and held it up to his face. His skin was transluscent, and, under the warm, flickering flame, the shadows of maggots and worms were clearly visible crawling beneath the flaky layers of his rotting epidermis.

"...There was something much more sinister." Pence held his hand up to the wall, and, after tracing his finger in a triangle, yet another door slid open, this one leading to a long, seemingly endless staircase. He flicked the match down the stairs, and flashed a toothless smile at the MTO soldiers.

Pence held the door open for the soldiers, and stood at arms with a salute. Powdery crumbs of decaying flesh fell off of his arm. The soldiers obeyed the Vice President, and began their descent into the stairwell. Pence waited until the last one had entered, and then followed them down, slamming the door shut behind him.

Revelation

The group walked down the staircase for some time, before coming to a bizarre, out of place wooden door. Pence opened it, and the group found themselves on the inside of a windowless, yellow-walled room. Fluorescent lights buzzed on the ceiling, and a dirty brown carpet stretched out across the ground, marred only by the occassional unidentifiable stain.

"The Ancient Prehumanists were a race devoid of souls, devoid of empathy.", Pence began, spitting a rotten tooth out of his mouth. He scratched at his face, and a chunk of flesh fell off.

Suddenly, the walls fell away, and the group found themselves in the middle of a grassy field, which stretched for as far as the eye could see. Twin moons hung low in the sky.

Pence pointed out across the horizon, and the group noted what appeared to be a highly advanced civilization.

Pence began to speak, but the area suddenly filled with mist, and everything around Pence went dark.

Intervention

"What the fuck are you doing, man?", The Auditor asked nonchalantly, sitting at a chair across the table from Mike Pence. They had chosen a nice, quaint outcrop on the Xen island of Igdrasilblash; a beautiful view of the cosmos laid out beneath them.

The rotting Mike Pence looked down.

"I'm... I'm sorry sir. I wanted to-"

The Auditor spit on the ground.

"Yeah, I know. The fat lard wants warp speed. Whatever. I'll give you a fucking warp drive."

"You'll- sir, that's very kind, very kind, but, uh- the President-"

The Auditor leaned in closer, studying Mike Pence.

"What I'm really curious about is- why did you decide you were going to bring a bunch of peasants into the Sanctum? Without the permission of your Employers- not to mention- you wielded Magarrish and Legumish energies... something's very wrong here."

Mike Pence opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He looked down at his hands in horror, as he began slowly crumbling away into nothingness.

"What the fuck?", the Auditor asked, he himself shocked.

A cool, white light suddenly filled the area across from the Auditor.

A white, dimensional doorway opened, and G-0001 appeared, holding an eggplant in one hand and a briefcase in another. He nodded curtly to the Auditor,

"Uh- can I help you? Your shift on Garraxia doesn't end for another sixteen months."

G-0001 came and sat directly across from the Auditor, but said nothing.

"You have authorized me to nudge..."

G-0001 stared into the Auditor's eyes, and then held up the eggplant.

"But none of it matters, does it, my Dear Employer?" G-0001 asked, snarkily. He slammed the briefcase on the table.

"Uh- Come again?"

"No matter what I do- no matter where I go, or what I change, or who I nudge... it's always the same ending..."

"Ending? What ending?"

"The End of the Omniverse. It's this. This does it. Every time.", G-0001 held up the Aubergine, and tossed it into the Auditor's hands. The Auditor took a sip from his Cherry Cola, unfazed.

"And?"

G-0001 slammed his fists on the table.

"And? Why have I been your employee if my work has accomplished nothing? What have these millennia even been for? You made me to serve you- but there was never any reason to do anything at all!"

The Auditor sighed.

"Look- there's a time and a place, and now is not the time."

"You tell me now, Mister Auditor... or I leave. Forever. I'm done."

The Auditor shrugged.

"Okay. I have millions more of you."

G-0001 snarled at him.

"We'll see about that."

G-0001 faded away, presumably to go file his retirement paperwork. The Auditor sat there for a moment, and then took a deep breath. He phased back into the Sanctum, where the Prehumanists were hard at work constructing the Warp Drive.

"Yeah, great jobs, everyone, all around, great stuff." , The Auditor said, draining his Cherry Cola and tossing it at one of their skulls. The ancient Prehumanists stared at him quizically.

"Unfortunately, this was a total waste of your time. You can go back to sleep now."

They raised their arms and screamed in protest, but the Auditor insisted. They slowly streamed out of the room, grumbling at The Audtior. When the Prehumanists had all left, he bent over their Warp Drive. It was nearly complete- but it would never work. Not in that state. It was still lacking a certain- Impossibility.

Epilogue

Due to the untimely dissolvance of Mike Pence, The Auditor took his form and acted as him for the remaining of the Trump Presidency. He presented the Warp Drive (his Improbability Drive in disguise) to The Great MAGA King, who awarded "my Little Mikey" with a gold star and a movie night of his choice. It's unknown how long The Auditor remained acting as Mike Pence. It became one his favorite forms to bust out at Halloween parties.