Hazzorius Blume

Blume.

Hazzorius Blume was a grandiose figure. A human skeleton salesman, he faced much controversy due to his unseemly profession; however, he repeatedly assured critics that his skeletons were "ethically sourced", whatever that meant.

Beginning of Business

Born in 76 BB, Hazzorius entered this world on the same exact day, at the same exact time, at the same exact second as the Ohio Greenspill Quandry. Coincidence?

Hazzorius never knew a world without the Great META War raging across the eastern front of his state. Raised by his crippled veteran father, Hazzorius was raised to love his family and friends, and to despise everyone else. At age 15, he started his first job working in a candy shop in southern Indiana. Hazzorius was raised on the idea that Ohioans were soulless, bloodthirsty creatures- and far from human, at that. He was taught that they were as bad, or even worse than the Combine. As a result of this, Hazzorius invented a new candy bar- designed like the Ohio flag with human shit (chocolate) on top. He was promoted to store manager immediately due to this invention.

College Days

At the age of 18, Hazzorius left home to attend Indianapolis State University. He majored in Gender Studies with a minor in Anatomy. He soon switched Anatomy to his full-time major, for unknown reasons. Hazzorius found himself fascinated especially with human cadavers; he would spend late nights in the lab, examining the lifeless pickled corpses.

His professors noticed this, and recommended he apply to work in a Forensic Investigation Office, where he would work with bodies regularly. However, Hazzorius declined this offer; he wanted to continue studying Anatomy. Unfortunately, Hazzorius was kicked out of the Anatomy program shortly after being discovered [REDACT- OVRLRDISH DECREE- REASON- UNSPECIFIED] ; after which point, he had stitched the two seperate cadavers into one hideous monster.

Hazzorius, clinging to his Gender Studies minor degree, scrambled frantically to pick his next major before the new semester began. He ultimately settled on Political Science.

During his time in the Political Science program, Hazzorius became ostracized from his peers for his extreme xenophobic and nationalist views. He had to be asked to leave classes several times, and was even forcefully expunged from the enrollment in a Combine - Ohio History class.

Hazzorius graduated from college in 53 BB, with a Bachelor's degree in Political Science and a Master's Degree in Gender Studies. At this point, Hazzorius, without any real life plan in mind, joined the American Army, being trained at Camp Blutt in Hawaii. During his time in Hawaii, Hazzorius met his wife, Ginny Blume and quickly fell in love with her. It was at this point that he decided to serve in the military for the duration of his 18-year service.

Military Service

Once in the military, Hazzorius was assigned to 1st Squadron, 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment at Fort Drum, NY as a Bradley Gunner, and throughout his time there, he and his fellow soldiers (as well as their respective spouses) took on and proved themselves as expert combatants.

After completing his deployment, Hazzorius left the American Army in 35 BB, however, he had a desire to serve again, and was easily convinced by his friends to reenlist in the army. Hazzorius served in the 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment for another 3 years, and returned to Fort Drum once again, for the last time, before leaving active duty in May of 32 BB.

The Breakdown

After nearly thirty years, Hazzorius returned home to Indiana, but found that his hometown had been all but destroyed by the Ohio-Combine Proticulum. Walking through the wreckage of his young adulthood, he wept over his father's grave. Hazzorious tried to move on; but he missed his father- and after spending several days alone in Indiana (Ginny had left him to cheat on his superior at Fort Drum), Hazzorius dug his father up, and- in a grotesque display- ordered McDonalds for himself and his father to eat. Of course, the Senior Mr. Blume wasn't hungry.

This was perhaps the first indication of Hazzorius' severe mental illness; but it certainly wasn't the last.

After commandeering an abandoned food truck from the local park, he fashioned himself a skeleton-printed suit- and opened up "Blume's Bones", a vendor which claimed to sell only "real human bones".

It's speculated that the first bones Hazzorius sold were actually those of his father.

Bizarrely, Hazzorius found he had quite an eager (albeit, secretive) demographic; his first set of skeleton sold out quickly. And so the bones kept coming. Hazzorius began spiralling into an increasingly unstable state of mental illness and schizophrenia, becoming so disillusioned with reality that he came to believe that he was God.

By 21 BB, however, Hazzorius found he had pretty much spent all of the skeletons in the greater Indianapolis area. There were no more graves to dig up; no more morgues to raid. Hazzorius fell into a deep depression. He began meditating, praying and hoping to "the Eternal" (unclear what that is) for 'more bones to sell'. Suddenly, Hazzorius found himself in a dark, empty room.

Unforeseen Visitation

"You will be visited by three Ghosts..." came a voice from behind him.

"What? Who's there?"

"The Ghost of Ohio Past.... the Ghost of Ohio Present... and the Ghost of Ohio Future..."

Then, a ghostly chime rang out.

A disgruntled, elderly looking scientist approached him. He dragged behind him what appeared to be a Sex doll. This was the spectre of famed Ohio Scientist, Finshersnitch Ozband, Ph. D.

The scientist began to speak, but Hazzorius grabbed him by the neck and ripped his jugular out with his bare hands.

"Uh... Okay... the ghost of Ohio Present...", came the disembodied voice, rather perturbed with what had just occurred.

A hulking, slimy, Combine Advisor entered the room, reaching a disgusting appendage out towards Hazzorius.

"Earth will be Ours. We have won the battle, and we will win the war. We have infinite resources; infinite soldier; infinite money, infinite power. Earth is small and it is getting smaller. You are running out of time. Join Ohio, Hazzorius Blume. Join the Combine Liberation Force."

Hazzarious glared at the Advisor, and then punched it right in the front of the head, killing it instantly.

The Advisor began collapsing to the floor, but froze half-way down.

Interruptive Man

"Let's try something else, shall we, Gertrude?", came the voice of the G-Man from outside the room.

He walked inside holding a briefcase, and a thick stack of papers.

Hazzorius moved towards the G-Man's throat, but G-Man held up a finger.

"I can give you what you desire, Mister Blume."

"What do I desire?"

"My Employers have authorized me to... nudge things from time... to time. I feel that the situation in Ohio has grown oh so dire... and something simply must be done of it..."

"Yeah?"

"Mister Blume... do you know of the United States Government's Nuclear Pumpkin Development Plan?"

"What?"

"Oh, never mind. The point is, Mister Blume... this highly potent nuclear device is just sitting in the backyard of one Jezebel Cumshoes... with a small nudge, I could move it to the hands of the U.S. Government.... and... expedite the... end.... of the Great META War. "

"Okay... and what do I get out of this?"

The G-Man smiled and let go of the briefcase, floating it towards Hazzorius.

"What if I could offer you something.... you don't know you want."

Hazzorius grimaced.

"They stop me from getting more bones... don't want their bones. I want the Combine off Earth. "

The G-Man frowned down at Hazzorius.

"That would be a considerably large nudge... too large, given the interests of my Employers. However, allow me to offer a satisfactory alternative."

The Briefcase collided with Hazzorius' face; suddenly, he was standing at a United States military camp. Soldiers sat around the fire; they were wounded, tired, and hungry.

"Sad, isn't it, my dear f-f-friend?", the G-Man asked, appearing next to Hazzorius.

"They are all doomed, Hazzorius. The Earthlets will not defeat the Combine. They are... outnumbered- and outgunned."

The G-Man shook his head, and walked into the center of the fireplace. The flames licked his pants, but nothing happened.

"Unless..."

A button appeared in the G-Man's hand.

"The Choice is yours, Hazzorius. It is only up to you. Press this button now... and destroy Columbus, Ohio- it is a war crime, sure, but so is intergalactic invasion, hmm?"

Even Hazzorius was taken aback.

"But... but innocent people will die!"

The G-Man feigned sadness, and motioned to the wounded soldiers, huddled around the fire.

"Are they not more innocent?"

The two stood in silence for a moment.

"The Ohioans are Traitors, Hazzorius Blume, you know this. They sought to... seperate... from the Human race... and now they must face the consequence of that action."

The G-Man placed the button in Hazzorius' hand.

"You can bring justice to your people. Bring justice to your father. To the galaxy."

Hazzorius shook his head.

"Time to choose." The G-Man said coldly, furrowing his brow at Hazzorius.

"No... I can't... I'm sorry."

The G-Man sighed.

"Quite a pity. Well, I guess we won't be working together, Mister Blume. A shame... there would have been so many skeletons to harvest..."

Hazzorius perked up.

"What?"

The G-Man smirked.

"Ah yes... the Nuclear Pumpkin will leave behind the skeletons of its... victims."

Hazzorius grabbed the controlled and smashed his fist on the 'launch' button.

The Right Man in the Wrong Place

Hazzorius awoke in his childhood bedroom. The walls were the same color as they had been when he was a toddler.

"Hazzi! Breakfast time!", came his father's voice from the other room.

Hazzorius, still delirious and confused, and unsure what he had dreamt and what was reality, stood and walked to the kitchen.

There stood his father, whistling 'Yankee Doodle Dandee' while flipping pancakes on the stovetop.

"D-Dad?", Hazzorius asked, reaching out to touch his father's face.

"You're... you're alive..."

His dad laughed. "Of course I'm alive. I've never been dead in my life, Hazzi!",

Hazzorius sat down in his chair, panicking. What the fuck was going on?

Then he looked down at his hands. Youthful, clean, and healthy, the scars and bruises of old age and his service were nowhere to be seen.

"Dad, how old am I?", Hazzorius asked, quietly.

The Senior Mr. Blume froze for a second, and then smiled.

"Not as old as me, son. Not as old as me."

Sales Continue

Meanwhile, in the real world, Hazzorius continued selling individual Bones and skeletons, and exploited the fallout of the Bombing of Columbus to the fullest extent; he raked in billions of dollars in profits. He believed he was living in his childhood home with his father, and was severely delusional, so much so that any attempt to interact with him outside of the storefront was a death sentence.

Hazzorius Blume would continue on in this decrepit state until 2 AB, when he was atomized in the Second Bombing of Columbus.