Steve the Guide

Steve, in his Steve the Guide merchandise.

Steve the Guide was an omnipresent tour guide, responsible for introducing visitors to the Omniverse to the vast and diverse mysterious nature of the new realm awaiting them. Before this, Steve was a sex worker employed under the Southwestern Bureau for Pleasure, although he was let go from this position after contracting Electrical Dysfunction.

Life After Sex

Steve had always been a rather fiendish user of his male appendage (frequently masturbating upwards of four times a day).

Unfortunately for Steve, this habit would eventually come back to bite him, when, in 5 BB, he carelessly plugged his hair dryer in with one hand while the other held his erect penis. Steve was electrocuted and hideously maimed in his private area. He was diagnosed with Electrical Dysfunction by his local medical practicioner, who then immediately sent an urgent letter to the Bureau for Pleasure urging them to fire Steve.

A New Purpose

Steve's Letter. The substance in the upper right corner was determined to be J.F. Sweets Cherry Cola.

Steve was let go from his job, on top of being rendered incapable of masturbation. This greatly upset Steve, who felt worthless and hopeless without the ability to ejaculate freely. Then, one day, Steve recieved a mysterious letter, addressed to him from a group only referring to themselves as the 'Employers'. Steve set the letter aside for a few days, but eventually opened it, and upon doing this, was immediately transported to a quantum macrocosm in the Outervoid.

Steve was met by the Auditor, who introduced himself as one of the Employers. The Auditor's cola-rotten teeth filled the room with a putrid, sugarious odor. The Auditor explained that he and his 'partners' had need for a tour guide to help the beings of the Omniverse find their way around the realm. When Steve questioned why he, a disabled former sex worker from suburban New Mexico, was the most qualified for this, the Auditor simply explained that "you're the guy for this."

Steve debated the job offer for a while, while also marveling at the intricate subdimensional architecture which adorned the room around him. A timecrystal chandelier glittered above him, and, to his side, there was what looked to be (although he reassured himself, there's no way it was) a golden statue of Joe Biden in intricate emerald-adorned robes.

Steve ultimately declined the job offer. The Auditor smirked at this, and said "you're hired."

Wise Guidance

Steve was ripped from his place in the timeline and became an Omniversal tour guide. He was blessed with the powers of Chraunor, able to travel through time freely, although he never had any breaks from being a tour guide because of this. Ever. He frequently ate his meals while giving tours, and took sleeping pills to immediately doze off during his 4-hour 'sleepshifts'. Steve eventually grew to love this life of total servitude to the Employers.

After several thousand years of good service, Steve was blessed with a trip to the Garraxian Penis Repair shop, and recieved a splenderous new Cock. This bad boy packed a punch, with 50cc's of turbocharged nitrus, a 6-cylinder testicle engine, and more than enough hydraulic power to obliterate a cement wall directly in front of him. Steve began using his sleeping pills less, and instead elected to spend much of his time engaging in sexual activity once again.

So, after all that, a happy ending.