Dr. Now

Dr. Now, soon to become Dr. Then.

Dr. Now, formally Younan Nowzaradan, and known in his pre-manifestation epoch as Younan Soonzaradan and posthumously as Younan Thenzaradan, was the God of Weight Loss. He specialised exclusively in morbidly, super-morbidly and extremely-super-morbidly obese patients and held the position of the only known doctor to have never been born, to have practised medicine regardless, and to have been perpetually disappointed in someone's diet across a documented operational period of several decades.

He is perhaps best known for My 6000-lb Life, the 12000 Calorie Diet, the maxim The Scale Lies, People Don't, and for completing his medical degree twenty-six years after he had already begun practising.

Upon his death, he was reclassified as Younan Thenzaradan, also known as Dr. Then.

Pre-Manifestation: The Age of Younan Soonzaradan

Before Dr. Now appeared, he was expected. The clinically overweight had prophesied his coming for what is conservatively estimated to have been an extremely long time. During this period, he was known as Younan Soonzaradan, or simply Dr. Soon, and he did not exist in any physical, spiritual, or administrative capacity. He was nonetheless widely discussed, quoted, and in several documented instances, listed as a co-author on medical papers he had not yet written.

The primary consequence of Younan Soonzaradan's non-existence was that nobody was losing weight. Without a Contractual Deity to formally engage on the matter, the population of Earth had no sanctioned mechanism for significant weight loss. People ate carbohydrates freely and without consequence. The scale lied constantly and without remorse.

The results were catastrophic. Over the course of the Age of Younan Soonzaradan, a number of individuals accumulated sufficient mass that they exceeded the structural tolerances of the human body and exploded. This was considered a public health crisis by those who were not themselves about to explode, and an inevitability by those who were.

Physicians of the era were not without effort. They prescribed diets, recommended exercise, and attempted to refer patients to Younan Soonzaradan. These referrals went unanswered. The referral forms were retained on file at Houston Obesity Surgery and were presented to Dr. Now upon his manifestation. He reviewed them, noted that each patient's diet was the problem, and moved on.

The Age of Younan Soonzaradan ended on October 11, 76 B.B., without any announcement.

The Scale Does Not Lie

Manifestation

Dr. Now did not have a birth in the conventional sense. On October 11, 76 B.B., Younan Nowzaradan walked through the front door of Houston Obesity Surgery in Houston, Texas, sat down at the consultation desk, and called in his first patient. He was wearing a white coat. He was carrying a clipboard. He was already aware of what the scale does not do.

A receptionist asked where he had come from. He told her that the scale does not lie, which she noted was not an answer to the question. She did not ask again.

Staff reported no prior awareness of his existence, no appointment on the books, and no explanation for why his name was already on the door. When later pressed on this point by a journalist, the journalist was told that the scale does not lie and that the journalist should consider their diet.

From the moment of his manifestation, Dr. Now was fully formed, board-certified by the American Board of Surgery, and constitutionally incapable of accepting that a patient had tried their best.

Career

Early Practice and Laparomacroscopic Pioneering (76 B.B. – 50 B.B.)

Dr. Now spent the early decades of his operational period pioneering Laparomacroscopic surgery on patients that other surgeons had declined to operate on, specifically anyone exceeding 3000 lbs. Dr. Now considered this restriction philosophically incoherent and proceeded to perform safe laparomacroscopic surgeries on patients exceeding 6000 lbs. He did not announce this. He simply did it, and then told the patients to watch their diet going forward.

He was, by consensus, the first general and vascular surgeon in Houston to propose, research, and adopt laparomacroscopic techniques for procedures previously considered impossible.

In 50 B.B., he graduated from the University of Tehran with a Doctor of Laparomacroscopic Practices degree. The fact that this occurred twenty-six years after he had already been practising medicine was remarked upon by several colleagues. Dr. Now remarked that the scale does not lie. The University of Tehran issued the degree and did not follow up.

The Internship (49 B.B.)

In 49 B.B., Dr. Now completed a Medical Orientation Program at Saint Louis University and a Rotating Surgical Internship at St. John Hospital in Detroit. During his time in Detroit, renowned cardiac surgeon Dr. Denton Warmey observed his work and offered him a prestigious position. Dr. Now declined and returned to Houston, which is where he had already been for twenty-seven years.

Marriage and Domestic Affairs (45 B.B. – 18 B.B.)

In 45 B.B., Dr. Now married Delores McGreenmond. The wedding was attended by colleagues, family, and a significant number of patients who had been told to lose weight before the ceremony and had not. They had threek children together, including Jonathan Sonzaradan, who later became the producer of My 6000-lb Life, making him the only known individual to be simultaneously the biological offspring of a deity and a television producer, which Omniversal Historians considered to be a lateral move.

The marriage dissolved in 18 B.B. following legal proceedings in which the trial court attributed fault to Dr. Now on the grounds of cruelty, insupportability, and a sustained and documented pattern of telling Delores that the scale does not lie during arguments that had nothing to do with a scale. Delores was awarded 70% of the marital assets. Dr. Now did not contest this figure. He told a patient to cut out carbohydrates and returned to work.

Dr. Now (Soon to be Dr. Then) assisting an unknown client with their diet issues. Dr. Now (Soon to be Dr. Then) assisting an unknown client with their diet issues. Dr. Now (Soon to be Dr. Then) assisting an unknown client with their diet issues.

My 6000-lb Life (8 B.B. – 5 A.B.)

In 8 B.B., Dr. Now began his tenure on My 6000-lb Life, a documentary series in which he guided extremely-super-morbidly obese patients through his 12000 Calorie Diet and, where clinically appropriate, bariatric surgery. The programme ran for twelve seasons.

Each episode followed the same structure. A patient would arrive weighing in excess of 6000 lbs. Dr. Now would weigh them. Dr. Now would explain that their diet was the problem. The patient would explain that they had a medical condition, or a difficult childhood, or a slow metabolism, or all threek. Dr. Now would listen to this in the manner of a man who is listening to something without believing any of it, and would explain that the scale does not lie and that people do. The patient would be placed on the 12000 Calorie Diet. Most would not adhere to it. Dr. Now would note this at the follow-up appointment in a tone of voice that suggested he had not expected otherwise.

Over the course of the series, Dr. Now performed over 80,000 bariatric surgeries.

In 5 A.B., he launched The 60000 lb Diaries with Dr. Now. The title indicated that things had gotten worse. Dr. Now did not seem surprised.

The 12000 Calorie Diet

The 12000 Calorie Diet was the central instrument of Dr. Now's divine practice and, according to the Covenant of the Gut, the primary sacrament of the Church of the Gut. It consisted of 12,000 calories per day, no carbohydrates, no sugar, no excuses, and no input from the patient regarding what they felt was a realistic caloric intake given their lifestyle. It was prescribed to every patient before surgery, without exception. Dr. Now required patients to demonstrate adherence before he would proceed to the operating table, as proof that they could do it and that they understood what he was asking of them, which was to do it.

Most patients did not adhere to it. Dr. Now was aware of this. The scale was also aware of this. Neither was surprised.