Aftertimes

Aftertimes

The Aftertimes was a period of 30 years after the Great META War in which the people of Earth worked together to restore their planet to it’s former ‘glory’. After the carnage of the two-hundred year war, people had lived their entire lives through utter despair and destruction. Those left came together to make the world anew, and new, alternative forms of glorious despair and destruction were brought into the fold.

Aftertimes Initiative

The Aftertimes Initiative was a global initiative introduced by North American Overlord Joe Biden in 5 AB. The main goal of this initiative was to increase the global surface temperature, for unexplained reasons. Biden, whos mind had been rotting at an exponential rate since the Glue Factory Incident, seemed unaware that this was the Initiative’s purpose, frequently asking crowds “what do you mean? what’s global warming?”. Ultimately, the oil and gas lobbyists of Earth came together to increase the average surface temperature by 3 degrees celsius. Billions of aquatic life forms died, but the Mummy had an idea.

Nuclear Activities in the Arctic

The Mummy, rottenly believing that the reason for the sea life’s death was “not enough water”, decided in all his wretched wisdom that the entire stockpile of Nuclear weapons in the United States and Canada’s possession would be used to bomb and melt the North Polar Ice cap, so that “the fish can swim hairy again” (in Biden’s words).

Antarctican Wendigo Incident

By 12 A.B, Biden had ascended to the position of God Emperor of the Waifurian Empire, and had used his authority to completely destroy the North polar ice cap. He had also tried to destroy Antarctica, bombing it relentlessly for months until an aid informed him it was a landmass and could not be melted by nuclear warheads. Biden was reportedly very agitated by this. He ran through the halls of the Bass Pro Shop Pyramid naked, screaming that the “Antarctican Wendigo is going to sniff me”. It is thought that the Antarctican Wendigo was his own reflection he saw in a mirror.

Nevertheless, Vice Emperor Kamala Harris, in her first public appearance in six years, announced that the new goal of the Aftertimes Initiative would be to destroy the Antarctican Wendigo once and for all.

75% of the Waifurian Empire’s forces were directed to Antarctica, to hunt out and kill the Antarctican Wendigo. Unfortunately, 9 out of 10 of these soldiers died within several hours of entering the Radius of Radiation, an area that encompassed approximately half of the Southern Hemisphere. The Antarctican Wendigo was never found, and Kamala Harris pulled all of the remaining Waifurian Troops (roughly 4) from Antarctica in 14 AB.

Penguin Horrors

Biden’s Nuclear warheads had mutated many of Antarctica’s fauna into monstrous amalgamations of flesh and ice. These became known as the Penguin Horrors. Hulking beasts with iron feathers and uranium blood, these horrors roamed the Antarctican Fallout zone for millennia after the Antarctican Wendigo Incident.

Other Notable Events

During the Aftertimes:

Glue Factory Incident poised Joe Biden to create the Waifurian Empire.

North America (except for Ohio) United into Waifurian Empire in 10 AB. Waifurian Empire became the most tyrannical and destructive force in Omniverse history.

Ohio was officially designated as a “shithole country” by the Waifurian Empire.

Jacksonville Florida lost approximately 50% of its landmass.

New Zealand became ground zero for the War on Penguin Horrors. Most New Zealanders were slaughtered by Penguin Horrors.

End of Aftertimes Speech

the Aftertimes came to a close in 30 AB when Joe Biden gave a speech from the streets of Deleware, while bizarrely dressed in a pink diving suit, breathing through deep-sea diving equipment. Below is the transcript of this speech.

BIDEN- My Fellow Waifurians. I’d like to thank you for coming out into the Sun today. I want to officially announce that Earth is perfect now. It’s fixed. We did it. I have worms in my elbow. Doctor says it’s fatal.

[APPLAUSE]

BIDEN- Now listen here. When I ran for president, I had 1 goal- me and soda- we had a goal. We wanted to [sic?] sex with cotton candy vendors in New Mexico. And we had great sex. But listen, I’ve loved it when my lap had someone in it, man. Kids used to jump on my lap. They would pet my leg hair. It turned blonde in the sun. I used to eat my leg hair, too. Vitamin D. And I loved kids jumping on my lap. I learned a lot about cockroaches too.

[LAUGHTER]

BIDEN- Now, listen Jack. You control the spaghetti- imagine you control the spaghetti- and your wife has the spoon. It’s a simple answer really. You [sic] and you have sex with her.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BIDEN- But you run out of Spaghetti sauce eventually. you can’t stack it forever.

[DISSAPOINTED SIGHS]

BIDEN- And Spaghetti, anyways. But I loved kids jumping on my lap. Anyways, i’m here today with my beautiful wife Joanie Clark*!

BIDEN MOTIONS TO THIN AIR AND PLANTS A KISS ON AN IMAGINARY FACE.

[APPLAUSE AND “AWW”S]

*no such person ever existed in the Waifurian Empire. He never mentioned this name again.

BIDEN- Look folks, here’s- this is why. Look, fat, look. I’ve been president for six months and already 100 billion Waifurians have died. The Great MAGA King told me that, well, he said I’m [sic] the Wendigo. what a bunch of Malarkey. I’m the Wendigo? I killed him. I absorbed him. He is nothing now.

[LAUGHTER]

BIDEN- But Fellas, let me be clear- under my administration, we will protect all races, all genders, all classes. Even blacks.

[UPROARIOUS APPLAUSE]

BIDEN- And-look- even black kids love it man, it’s like i’m Santa Claus. You know, me and my old pals, Bill and Geoff, we used to-

MIC FEED cuts out. Biden is ushered off the stage by Waifurian secret service agents. End of Speech