Grand Teste Koi Pond

The Teste making a rare emergence from the Koi Pond.

The Grand Teste Koi Pond was a horrific location and Class 10BX-GIGA Cryptoid which appeared inexplicably in Central Park on the same day as the New York Ball Of Flesh. However, while the ball of flesh disappeared, the Grand Teste Koi Pond remained for centuries. Despite the best efforts of the Central Park Maintenance Staff, the Grand Teste Koi Pond was never expunged from the premises, as a seemingly limitless supply of bodily acids streamed constantly into the pond.

The Grand Teste

The Teste was of mysterious origin and unknown purpose. It was the largest known teste ever to appear on Earth. It had a radius of roughly 2 meters, and weighed roughly two metric tonnes. Most of the time, the teste remained 'underblood' and was only visible through a small portion peeking out onto the surface. It was shot at by local children on several ocassions, but usually punished them with horrible lifelong curses as retribution. It was eventually outlawed to shoot or aggravate the Grand Teste, becoming a state (and later federal) crime.

The Grand Koi Pond

No Koi lived in this putrid pond of blood and urine. In fact, it was so sterile that nothing could survive inside of it, save for the native Grand Teste.

Coins Conundrum

Coins were often tossed into the blood for 'good luck' by the many strange and splendorous citizens of the realm known as New York City. Scientists from the Manhattan Science Team began studying these coins to measure the effects of the blood-urine mixture on metal; however, they found something truly awful. Their metal detectors were unable (or unwilling) to pick up on a single coin at the bottom of the pond. Scientists were puzzled by this, and a multibeam Echosounder was brought to the scene to determine just how deep the pond went.

The Echosounder lost contact with the scientists after traveling for what was apparently nearly sixteen miles down into the Earth. The scientists were unable to recover the Echosounder, but were able to confidently say the pit was the deepest chasm on Earth. This both frightened and intrigued the scientists.

One of many Horrible sights to be seen in the depths of the Teste Koi Pond.

Great Diving Expedition

A diving Expedition was initiated. This may have proven to be the most blunderous action taken by the Manhattan Science Team. Three individuals, two females and one male, were lowered carefully into the mixture in specially designed acid-resistant suits. The divers recorded all that they saw, sending horrific video footage back to the Science Team at the top. Large, pulsing veins lined the walls of the seemingly bottomless pit. Porous holes which resembled human intestines and esophagi were ocassionally spotted by the divers, prompting the science team to test the blood in the Koi Pond. They found that it was indeed human blood, but of a type never before seen, that the scientists renamed to type 'K' blood.

Horrors of the Depths

The divers delved ever deeper into the Grand Teste Koi Pond, finding twisted masses of blood and bones in horrendous shapes and angles. The further down they went, the more monstrous the decor of the tunnel became. The divers eventually came to what appeared to be a gigantic human sphincter. It opened, and began sucking the divers toward it. They radioed the Science Team to pull them up, but they were too late, for the Sphincter sucked them in and closed, snapping their rescue lines in the process.

Lost

All communications were lost at this point with the divers, so their fates remained unknown to the Science Team. However, we are at liberty to share what conspired in the depths of the Grand Teste Koi Pond.

The Divers in the Depths

The Divers found themselves in a total void, with only a blood-urine mixture all around them. Up, down, left, and right, all seemed identical. There was no discernable escape for the divers, and, as their oxygen was running low, they slowly accepted their fates.

One of the female divers, Dr. Tracy Bigby, PhD, decided she would sacrifice herself in the name of science. She removed her mask as her fellow divers pointed their cameras at her, unable to watch.

Tracy was, for a moment, totally fine. Then, dear reader, she began writhing in and inhumane way. Her body shriveled up, and her head expanded to gigantic proportions. She was in a great deal of pain during this incident. She began floating upwards, screaming underblood. This helped her cohorts determine which way was up, and they began swimming after their balloon-headed compatriot. They were too focused on escaping the Blood Void that they didn't notice the steeply increasing temperatures as they rose up through the murky liquid.

Eventually, the three reached a mysterious ironwrought trapdoor, sturdily installed in a ceiling of rib bones and flesh. The other two divers banged on the door, but found it unlocked. They opened it, and, seeing it was void of blood or any other liquid, rejoiced. They climbed out of the hole, completely forgetting about and abandoning poor Tracy. It's said she still haunted the grounds of Central Park for many eons after this, searching for the souls of her traitorous coworkers.

Mysterious Caverns

The two divers, Bill and Martha, found themselves in what appeared to be a breathable atmosphere of air. However, something was amiss. The walls were uncomfortably wet looking, and their temperature monitors detected a 99% humidity level and a temperature of 40 degrees Celsius (104 degrees Fahrenheit), rather hot for a cavern. They noticed large masses of bones and mounds of flesh scattered around the cavern. Removing their diving helmets, they discovered a horrible scent of Rot surrounding them.

They traveled deeper into the cavern, becoming horribly uncomfortable in the steadily increasing heat around them. They eventually put their helmets back on, refilled their air tanks, and activated their suits' Air Conditioning systems (which were only designed to last roughly four hours).

The Blight at The End of the Tunnel

The two traveled deeper into the caverns, noticing the walls widening. The Divers foun themselves retracing the footsteps of some unknown entity, as larger-than-life footprints marked the volcanic sands under their boots. The fleshy walls solidified and instead became replaced with cracked, crumbling stone, and the occasional miniature magma flow adorning the walls. This alarmed Bill and Martha, lifelong scientists, who guessed that this meant they were inside of an active volcano. How very wrong they were.

After several more hours, they finally reached the mouth of the cave, but found themselves in an unrecognizable environment. The sky was clouded and dark with what appeared to be ash. Ruined skyscrapers adorned the skyline, and lavaflows covered the hillside from which the two had emerged. Bill looked at his suit's external thermometer, but grew frustrated when it remained stuck at '210 Degrees' (99 Celsius). He thought his suit must have had an issue. It didn't.

By now, dear reader, you've surely deduced that our ill-fated divers have found themselves in the outskirts of the hellish realm of Portland Oregon. How very unfortunate for them.

On the Highway to Hell

Highway to Hell

Bill and Martha, determined to continue reporting on their predicament in the name of science, began recording over the footage of Tracy's death, rendering her sacrifice completely meaningless. They recorded the hellish landscape of Portland, unknowningly videotaping the immolation of several thousand sinful pillbugs.

Soon, the divers reached what appeared to have been an interstate highway, and began walking down the road, towards the city on the horizon. They noted the astronomical atmospheric pressure of roughly 77 bars (75% that of Venus).

The Divers found that within mere seconds, they had arrived outside of the city. They were startled by this, but were soon startled even more by both of their suits exclaiming 'Warning- Battery at 20 Percent!". Bill and Martha, resigning to their fates, continued deeper into the city.

The Portlandish Warden, with fire-lightning crackling across its horrible body.

The Tricks of The Warden

Perhaps what perturbed Bill and Martha more than anything about this realm was the utter desolate nature of it. They found no signs of life anywhere. As far as the eye could see was a dystopian hellscape. Ruined cars and relics of an age long past could be found dotting the cities, but for the most part, abandoned skyscrapers dominated the central area of Portland Oregon. Bill and Martha were then shocked when they were greeted by a disembodied voice, telling them to look 'Northwest'. The Divers attempted to do this, but found their compasses spinning around aimlessly in every direction, rendering them useless. They instead looked around the horizon, and spotted the Eye watching them. It beckoned to them, explaining that it sought to rescue them. The Divers, their oxygen running low, and with no other hope, rushed towards the Eye. They were, unfortunately stopped in their tracks by a massive mass of iron and dark matter. This was the Portlandish Warden.

The Warden explained politely that the two Divers, having entered the Portlandish Realm, could not simply 'leave' Hell. The Warden and Eye entered into a tense metaphysical argument, which resulted in a compromise, as the Warden explained it. The Warden commanded that one of the Divers would remain in Portland for him to 'Study', and one Diver would be free to return to the 'Outer Realm'. Bill and Martha, with their oxygen levels running critically low, and both wanting to survive, agreed to decide this using the age-old strategy of 'Rock, Paper, Scissors'. Martha won, covering Bill's 'rock' hand with a gloved 'paper' sign. Bill began screaming violently, and was swiftly swept away by the Warden, never to be seen or heard from again.

A single flame lights the road to the Portland Oregon.

Freedom

Martha blinked, and suddenly found herself standing several hundred feet away from the Eye, suspended in thin air, save for a small metal platform. The Eye studied her closely for several minutes. A unique gift bag was then placed in Martha's hands, and she was teleported outside of Portland Oregon.

Where exactly Martha actually went, however, was not ever known, as she was never seen in that Omniverse again.

Consequences

The Manhattan Science Team were all put on trial for this gross mishandling of the Divers, as well as the destruction of the Echosounder. The families of the Divers were each awarded $7 in psychological damages ($21 Total), and the University of Stanford (from whence the Echosounder had come) was awarded $22 Billion in property damages.

No further experiments were to be conducted on the Grand Teste Koi Pond, and a large prison was erected by the Waifurian Science Agency to enclose the damned and accursed entity.