Imperial Coronation of Joe Biden

Joe Biden before the speech, clearly unsure of his whereabouts.

The following is the speech the Mummy gave at his coronation ceremony in 10 AB, where he ascended from North American Overlord to Waifurian Emperor.

Every time the Mummy lied an asterisk was placed after the falsity.

BIDEN- Folks, America was built on one word.* That word was ashmishapreanstallish.* I know a lot of you have concerns about the future of this continent. what will happen to the Board of Waifuria? Well, here’s your answer. Absolutely nothing.*

[RESTRAINED APPLAUSE]

BIDEN- To ensure the safety and continuing stability of North America, the Board has been reorganized into the first Waifurian Empire. How do you like them apples?

[LAUGHTER]

BIDEN- Folks, ever since I was a little boy growing up in Mesopotamia, or i mean, Delaware, my mother, she always told me, “you’re going to rule North America some day”.* And she was right.* Love you mommy.* Folks, this should… is a day of great celebration.* I am a god now.* Lightning bolts shoot from my fingertips.*

[LOUD CHEERING AND LAUGHTER]

BIDEN- But friends, [sic] will promise you this- I will not create a fascist state* out of this great condiment- continent.* I will not abuse the power vested in me by the board of… um… the board of [sic].* And to all those skeptics, who think i’m just crazy? [Biden cracks a Rotten Smile] You’re full of shit,man.* I’m the most sane person there’s ever been.*

[APPLAUSE]

BIDEN- I hope you’ll all join me in [sic] a journey [sic] of spreading butter- spreading the Waifurian way through the planet and then… then spreading the galaxy.

HECKLER- what did you do to the MAGA king?

BIDEN- Look jack- no it’s okay, let ugly speak. Folks, the MAGA King went- he went on a trip.* We sent him on a trip to Belize. He’s happy and healthy.* But folks, let’s focus on today. Let’s focus on tomorrow. Let’s focus not on yesterday. Let’s put the future before the past. Let’s put truth over fact.

[APPLAUSE]

BIDEN- The MAGA king killed people, man. Over 400 billion million Americans.* He was a face- a farce- a force of evil.* Folks, to put it simply, we need to forget the past. We need to tear down stash-statues of the META War.* We can forget about the horrible war.* Let’s not dwell on the way… the war. We won, man! And now we’re in the balls park.* Ball park. Balls.

I pledge to you here today that we had a capitol- capitulate [sic] But we lost a great deal of it.* All the time. Okay, okay, sounds like a great one. [BIDEN laughs] But Folks, hidden figures lurk behind everything. No one is safe. My Employers wanted- look, I’m not black. But I’m white. And that’s half the battle.

[APPLAUSE]

And if I told you who did 9/11 I’d- look- I’m blundering, but folks, there are Sheep and wolves in this world. And someone’s- the someone is shepherd. Shepherd herds! [Biden Laughs to himself].

(BIDEN WHISPERING)- Shepherd herds. 100 trillion dead.

BIDEN- The Empire will be stronger and better in six ways.* First way is strength. Sixth way is power.* Folks, trust me. Things are only going to grape transgender- get better.* My family. I have one. Just like the rest of- those people. And I’ve loved kids. But it’s not just about kids, man. It’s about people. Everyday folks like soup, and Carrie. Just folks who smell their own music. We need to unite under one banter. We have six flags, six flags. Like the park, man. Roman- the Waifurian Empire will be stronger than ever when I see her. Or him- gender- but folks, who are you doing today?* Who are you doing tomorrow? Yesterday? Six flags. And I learned a lot about lizards.* A whole awful lot. Everything’s gonna get better.* It’s hot. I feel too warm. My body is dripping. I have glue chest.

[LAUGHTER]

BIDEN- One time a friend of mine, his name was Geoff, he asked me if he could touch the glue. I told him to leave the ladel- little one at my place and we’d talk- look folks. I shouldn’t be saying this, but I used to fuck a lot of men. [LAUGHTER]

BIDEN- And women. Not just the men. But the women, and the-

[BIDEN’s MIC cuts out and he is ushered off the stage]