Joe Biden (Disambigaution): Difference between revisions
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| Joe Biden | |
|---|---|
| Aliases | The Mummy
Leather Hide Doll Osiris Brainrotten One Mummyrot Old Rot of the Northern Realm Sot |
| Relatives | Hunter Biden (Son) |
| Affiliation | United States
Board of Waifuria Waifurian Empire |
| Occupation | Military General
North American Overlord Emperor of Waifuria |
| Biographical information | |
| Date of birth | 04/20/2,331 B.B. |
| Place of birth | Mesopotamia |
| Date of death | 05/04/20,032 A.B. |
| Place of death | Alpha Centauri B |
| Physical description | |
| Species | Human (Allegedly) |
| Gender | Male |
| Height | 5'10 |
| Eye color | Dead |
| Appearances | |
Joe Biden was an extremely influencial figure in the Rick Hernia Omniverse, being a major player in the European Bronze Age, and eventually becoming Emperor of Waifuria and ruler of the entire Local Supercluster.
Tempus Iuventae
Straight Outta Mesopotamia (2331 BB-1700 BB)
When Biden was born in Mesopotamia, his parents bathed him the sacred Pond of Legume. The water imbued the future Emperor with an extraordinary gift: everlasting life.
Biden was raised in a river-valley civilization, where he worked with his father and brothers on a farm tending to goats and cattle. Biden had his very own rice patty, which he was very proud of.
Tempus Eleifend
Ancient Egypt (1700 BB- 1644 BB)
Young Joe remained physically ten years old until roughly 1700 BB. By this time, the river valley was starting to dry up, and Joe moved south to Egypt. Here, he became fascinated with the Great Pyramids, which would no doubt influence his choice of Imperial Palace later in life.
Joe integrated into the Egyptian society, and even became pharaoh for a time. When his immortality was realized, the Egyptian people began to worship him as a god, believing him to be the Egyptian God of the Underworld, Osiris.
Origins of Brainrot: The Curse of Osiris (1644 BB)
This greatly displeased Osiris, who sent a great plague of brain-eating termites to Egypt. These termites infected Joe Biden, and began slowly eating his brain. Due to his accursed immortality, Biden's immune system was able to defend against them for quite some time; however, by 600 BB, his brainrot had really taken hold. During his final days, it was believed Biden's cerebrum was filled with 89% termites and 11% brain.
When the plague did not immediately kill Biden, as it did many of his constituents, Osiris sent a grand flood to the Nile River, which swept up the Mummy and carried him across the Mediterrenean Sea to Greece.
Greek Life (1644- 1640 BB)
Joe Biden once again began farming upon his arrival in Greece. He became renowned around the Byzantine Empire for his excellent Goat Cheese (which he made after forgetting he left goat milk in a vase).
Emperor Theodosius the First heard of Biden’s excellent cheese, and travelled all the way from Constantinople to visit his farm. Unfortunately, in what may have been the first Mummy Blunder of All Time, Biden told the Emperor to “screw off, jack”.
Biden was arrested by the Imperial Guard and sentenced to four years in prison for ‘threatening’ the Emperor. When Biden got out, he returned home to his farm to find it looted and in shambles. Biden cried for several hours, before gathering what belongings he had left and starting down the road. As Biden would soon find out, all roads lead to Rome.
Beggar Arc (1640 BB-1432 BB)
Biden found himself squatting in the streets of Rome for the next few hundred years, with nowhere to go. He groveled in alleys and piles of human feces, desperate for money to buy his way out of Rome. Once, Biden was almost rich enough to afford a chariot and horses, but was mugged by an undercover Goth during the Gothic War. He put up quite a fight, drawing on his Legumish Quintessence to beat back his assailant. Biden eventually gave up, threw his money at the Goth, and ran away crying. This demonstrates he was likely unaware of his own immortality.
In 1432, Biden was spotted by a man who remembered Biden from his youth, and recalled that he had looked exactly the same. The Man offered Biden 1500 gold pieces, in exchange for Biden's competition in a Gladiator Duel to the Death.
Tempus Gladiatorium Summum
Roman Amphitheatre (1432 BB-1427 BB)
Biden was set to duel a famed gladiator from Florence, the infamous Icthalius Hippodramus. Hippodramus had conquered and defeated all those who dared to (or, were forced to) battle him. Hippodramus took one look at the scrawny, balding Joe Biden (who physically appeared to be 33 years old), and laughed. He thought Biden would be an easy win.
Icthalius Hippodramus was carried out in several pieces from the Colosseum, including five different skull fragments.
Biden became the Supreme Gladiator (or Summus Gladiator) and was revered throughout Europe for his vicious and bloodthirsty fighting style. Biden bested over 300 opponents over the course of five years. The Roman people marvelled at his ability to stay standing after having massive holes in his torso (one of many abilities granted by the Legumish Quintessence).
Byzantine Emperor (1427 BB-576 BB)
A coup was brewing in the city of Constantinople. The Byzantine Empire had been plagued with wars and famine in the wake of the removal of Emperor Justinian Trudeau at the hands of his less popular inbred cousin, Maurice. Emperor Maurice, while leading several successful crusades, was losing the faith of his military officers. Many of Maurice's closest allies had seen Biden's impressive displays in the Colosseum, and sought Biden's immortality in the Emperor's throne. With an immortal Emperor, surely the empire would grow only stronger. What could possibly go wrong with one man having unlimited power and unlimited life? (See Waifurian Empire)
General Tullius, one of Maurice's 'closest friends', executed the Emperor by poisoning his grapes with ricin powder. Biden was kidnapped from his quarters in the Colosseum and brought to Constantinople, where he was told he was Emperor. Biden was reportedly very happy about this, and didn't question how he had suddenly just become Emperor of a major European power. He was married to former Emperor Trudeau for 11 months at the behest of General Tullius, who believed Trudeau might have a chance of helping Mummy learn some people skills. Mummy learned nothing from the former Emperor and Trudeau was forced into exile by Mummy's rotted hand in 1427 BB.
Biden ruled for over 900 years. He was, of course, merely a figurehead, and the Byzantine Empire was in fact entirely controlled by the military. The Byzantine Empire became the very first police state.
Tempus Ottomanicum
Invasion of the Turks (576 BB)
Biden's empire fell to ruin after the Ottoman Turks besieged Constantinople and, after several months without trade and food imports, the people began dying. Biden's military officers all starved to death. The Mummy, well underway with his brainrotting by this time, believed hey were all quitting, and began complaining that "no one wants to work these days, man".
When the Ottoman Turks found Biden, they surmised that he was simply a delirious homeless man with no coherent idea of where he was or why he was there. While that was true, they failed to realize the true power which Biden held. He was thrown out onto the streets of Constantinople.
The Grand Westward Mummytrip (576 BB-442 BB)
Biden began walking west, in aims of "catching up" to Sol (the Sun). He traveled through Europe for several decades, aimlessly wandering west and stopping to examine whatever caught his eye. He walked through several active battlefields, including the French Invasion of Italy in 550 BB.
Biden eventually reached the Portuguese coast, where he began swimming into the Atlantic Ocean. After several weeks, he reached the frigid coast of Iceland. In Iceland, he gave up walking west for a while (although this brainrotten activity would later resume). During his 'time off', he blundered on several occassions, including walking into an active volcano not one, not twice, but three seperate times.
By 442 BB, Biden was tired of Iceland, and he remembered, somehow, his initial goal- chasing the Sun. He dived right into the freezing waters of the north (in the middle of April) and began swimming west, once again, as he had one hundred years ago.
Whale Times (442 BB-431 BB)
Biden was swallowed by a large whale in the Atlantic Ocean. He remained inside the great maw of this docile beast for the next eleven years.
Chocolate Chocolate Chip Origin Story
The Whale traveled up and down the American coast for several years, consuming numerous coastal plants and animals which were unfortunate enough to be swept out to sea. During this time, several cocoa beans became lodged in its gullet. Biden became intrigued by these mysterious plants (which he had never seen in his time in the Old World).
The Mummy rottenly ate the cocoa beans, and was disgusted by their taste. However, he eventually shat them back out. After shitting them out, he ate them once again, and this time remarked that this was "some good damn malarkey". Joe Biden's Chocolate Recipe would become the First Ever Chocolate produced in the Rick Hernia Omniverse.
Biden's experience inside of this whale is thought to have been the origin of his morbid hyperfixation on Chocolate (more specifically, Chocolate Chocolate Chip Ice cream).
Fugitive of the Law (431 BB-415 BB)
An Ottoman scholar, who had been poring over ancient Byzantine texts late one night in the libraries of Constantinople (now known as Istanbul), found a curious inscription inside of a book. It read- "Wendigo Incarnate". Above the inscription was a spitting image of Joe Biden. The Ottoman scholar ran to the Sultan's palace, and banged on the door. He explained to Sultan Ahmed I that he thought the old man in the Byzantine Palace, whom the guards had written sketches about and drawn pictures of, had actually been the Byzantine Emperor.
According to Ottoman custom, this would make the Sultan an illegitimate ruler. Despite Biden's famed immortality, Sultan Ahmed immediately dispatched several Ottoman legions to find and capture of the Emperor. If he couldn't kill him, Ahmed aimed to make him suffer relentlessly.
Biden's great pilgrimage across Europe had been over for nearly twelve years by this point, but it didn't take long for the Ottoman troops to find people who remembered his mindrotten ramblings and talk of 'catching up to the ball in the sky'. Soon enough, the Ottoman troops were on their way West across the Atlantic, landing in Iceland. They searched the island for several years, but were unable to find the Mummy anywhere. The Ottomans then travelled further east to Greenland, and began to search there for several years. When their search party turned up empty-handed, the Sultan cut their tongues out and told them to go back and "try harder". Many of these soldiers died on this second pilgrimage, as they arrived in Iceland in the middle of January with light clothing and throat diseases.
Little did the Sultan know, Biden had been swallowed by a whale.
Tempus Putridum Erroris
Old Rot of the Northern Realm (431 BB- 355 BB)
Biden's whale was eventually caught and brought to shore by several Inuit hunters on the coast of Alaska. As you can imagine, these hunters were rather surprised when they cut open their catch and found the Mummy standing there naked, holding a coyote femur and a large piece of Aztec pottery.
The Inuits called Biden "Old Rot" and welcomed him as one of their own. He built his own igloo, which was very poorly made and sad. The rest of his tribe helped him construct it properly. However, he kept waking in the middle of the night, screaming about his rice patty going dry (by this time, his rice patty had not existed for roughly 1700 years). During this night terrors, Biden would stand up and either hit his head on his snow roof or punch through it. Eventually, Biden was given his own tent, fashioned from whale and walrus leather, to combat his frequent domicilic disruption.
He attempted to wander west several times, however the his tribe warned him of the dangers of the cold waters of the Bering Strait. Biden obliged. He remained with these Inuits for roughly eighty years, becoming an integral part of their culture and way of life. Unfortunately for Old Rot, his time with them was short lived, as he would soon be removed from that situation.
Man of the Wolves (355 BB-142 BB)
One dark and stormy night, Biden became lost and disoriented during a rare heavy snowstorm. The Mummy's Rotten mind implored him to do what he was forbidden to do (but forgot about)- travel west. Biden began walking west, as he always had, his wretched brain failing to register the stupidity of his blunders. Biden eventually fell face forward into the powdery snow, and laid motionless, eating it.
A pack of wolves soon approached, and began biting and eating chunks of the disgraced former and future emperor. Biden absentmindedly regenerated new flesh, and was not at all bothered by the wolves feasting on him. The wolves were content with this new limitless food source. Biden was welcomed into the pack, and soon became the Alpha Wolf. For a period of roughly 200 years, he reverted to primal instincts and communicated only through barking and grunting. Biden traveled around Alaska with his pack, breeding with several wolves in the process, creating hideous abominations of nature.
Grandfather of Cryptoids
Biden fathered Ish'massie, Mother of Cryptoids, during this time, with a female wolf hailing from Manitoba, Canada. Thus, Biden was the true Grandfather of cryptoids, and was responsible for the proliferation of the soulless race across North America, and later, the world.
Return to Civilization (142 BB-50 BB)
One snowy winter evening, Biden and a wolf mate were tucking their horrendous cubs into bed when a loud explosion suddenly shook their den. Shrapnel and fire rained down on the snowy forest. A large Combine Gunship violently crashed into the wolf den, killing Biden's entire wolf pack. While Biden was upset for the few weeks he remembered this incident, the senseless violence helped him remember his humanity.
A troop of M.T.O soldiers, who had shot down the Combine Gunship, and who were led by none other than Rick Hernia himself, arrived at the scene, asking the disheveled, naked Biden if he needed help. While several M.T.O Soldiers harvested the Combine Gunship's technology and vital organs, Biden explained his story in great detail to Rick Hernia.
Rick, believing Biden's ramblings to be entirely fictitious, called a Canadian military helicopter to the scene and escorted Biden back to a military base. Here, Commander Keith Cumshoes saw to it that Biden was given a proper meal (which the Mummy didn't need, being immortal) and bathed. After this, Keith asked Biden where he wanted to go. Biden, thinking of the lush, fertile fields of Mesopotamia, replied simply, "Home".
CIA Intervention (50 BB)
Several American CIA operatives suddenly stormed the room, demanding Keith Cumshoes leave at once. Keith was escorted out in handcuffs. Biden was flung against the cement wall, cracking his skull and further accelerating the brainrot. 40,000 years later, this crack would be reopened when he slipped on an ice cube in his Dog Days.
The CIA Operatives brought out an 'Information Extraction Probe' and began demanding Biden explain his immortality. They showed him Bidenese artifacts from ancient Mesopotamia and Byzantium. The Mummy was puzzled by this, and was completely genuine when he responded "I don't know what you're talking about, jack." The CIA agents questioned him for 48 hours, ultimately yielding no results. An MK Mindwipe was performed on Biden, but failed (there wasn't much to erase).
The CIA contacted U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson and asked what he wanted them to do with the disgraced former Emperor. Johnson, having just facilitated the inside assassination of a top M.T.O general from Delaware, instructed the CIA to set him up with that general's identity and to erase General Marcus Maximillian III from all legal records, replacing him with Joe Biden.
Tempus Politicorum
Serving in The Great META War (50 BB-8 BB)
Joe Biden fought as a general in the latter years of the Great META War, becoming known across North America for his daring exploits against Combine invaders. He proliferated the use of Superpredators against Combine forces. He was highly acclaimed for his record of winning most of his battles, although he turned against his forces near the end of his command. This was conveniently close to when he suddenly decided to retire from the military and enter politics. After claiming he was "Chosen by God", Biden was unanimously appointed to become Chairman of the Board of Waifuria in 8 B.B.
Chairman of the Board (8 BB-1 AB)
As Chairman of the Board, Biden oversaw the five north American Nations; Ohio (only in theory), Canada, Mexico, the United States, and Jacksonville Florida. He was also the Board's representative for the United States during this time, as he was (according to his 'legal' birth certificate) born there. Biden was frequently at odds with the President of the United States at the time, the long-lived entity Donald J. Trump. After the January 6th Insurrection and the death of most American government officials, the two eventually decided to meet to settle their differences. Unfortunately, they were met with unforeseen consequences at their meeting, culminating in the Glue Factory Incident and Trump's alleged death.
Waifuria Prime
Joe Biden illegally commissioned the construction of Waifuria Prime in 1 B.B, as Chairman of the Board. He was not granted any international authority to do this and many U.S. and world leaders were incredibly upset with him. The Great MAGA King, however, commended the Mummy on this structure, saying it blocked out the sun and helped him feel more comfortable. The MAGA King thrived in... the Dark.
Biden was unable to explain why he constructed this hyperintelligent artificial satellite. Perhaps the megadonors and bureaucrats who puppeted the Leather Hide Doll's every move could've explained it.
North American Overlord (1 AB-10 AB)
As Overlord, he had jurisdiction over the entire North American Continent. Not much changed during this nine-year period, however nefarious agents in his employ were secretly moving to secure him unlimited authority and power. In 10 A.B., Biden was granted "godlike all-encompassing" authority by the Board of Waifuria, and held his own Imperial Coronation Ceremony. The Board was disbanded shortly after this. It is unclear if Biden ever actually wanted any of this power, or even if he was in control of his own mind at this point.
Emperor of Waifuria (10 AB-20,032 AB)
As Emperor, Biden commanded all of the local Supercluster at the peak of his power. The supercluster actually prospered under his leadership. During this time, he fathered Hunter Biden, who would grow up to be the Scourge of the Omniverse, as well as a colossal dissapointment.
Joe Biden slipped and fell in 44,322 A.B. He died, but remained sentient and mobile. The years that followed were disastrous for the Waifurian Empire and the Mummy deteriorated rapidly. In 44,332 A.B., Joe Biden was shot into the atmosphere of Alpha Centauri B in a coup, ending his reign as emperor.
Accursed Immortality
Biden used the powers of the Legume to create life. While not force-sensitive, he had an inexplicable connection with the Legume and it granted him great power throughout his life. He had such a knowledge of the Legume that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. The Legume was a pathway to many abilities some considered to be unnatural. Biden became so powerful that the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his Vice Emperor, Marvin Fluxton, everything he knew. Then, his Vice Emperor killed him in his sleep (by shooting him into a star). Ironic. He could save others from death, but not himself.