Priory of Cock

Uncle Dick's 'Cock-Pound' commune.

The Priory of Cock (not to be confused with the Priory of Dick, or the C.O.C.K), was a sex-cult institution in Albuquerque, New Mexico, which acted as a front for chicken trafficking.

Hiding in Plain Sight

On the Surface, the Priory of Cock seemed like your average, run of the mill sex cult; there were several Priory compounds (or 'cock-pounds'), a religous system which worshipped the cult's leader, Uncle Dick, and, of course, a heavy monetary toll for admittance into the Priory. Below the surface, however, was something dastardly.

A Coloring of Cock which the priory rarely smuggled.

Chicken Trafficking

Uncle Dick and several other high-ranking cult leaders were secretly using the cult to transport rare chicken breeds. When people died at the commune, Uncle Dick and his accomplices would put the body into a discreet black garbage bag and leave it out by the road for garbage day. However, in October of 2 BB, it was recorded that Uncle Dick had almost four times as many garbage bags as usual at the Cock-pound. This prompted Grand Curiosity from the local Garbageman, who opened one and found, to his horror, that there was no body inside. Instead, there were several live hens. He contacted the police.

ASAC Shrader, arriving at the scene.

DEA Bust

The Albuquerque police department deferred the case to the DEA, where ASAC Hank Schrader began leading an investigation into the dealings of the Priory of Cock. Hank discovered that the Priory had major ties to individuals in the Albuquerque drug trade, including to one 'Heisenberg'. Hank was also mortified when, under oath, the Garbageman revealed he had disposed of over 300 bodies on behalf of Uncle Dick. Hank immediately called in several dozen SWAT agents to infiltrate the Priory of Cock.

Grand Infiltration

The first dozen SWAT team members were killed by Combine Vaporization Rays, which Uncle Dick had recovered from an Ohio camp during his time serving in the Great META War. Hank recalled the remaining troops, and began working to formulate a plan that would not involve vaporization.

While ordering strippers for a work party, a DEA Agent jokingly suggested that they send strippers to take out Uncle Dick's compound. This gave Hank a grand idea.

Hank grabbed the Stripper Catalogue from the agent and immediately dialed the number, and ordered the services of every single sex worker in the greater Albuquerque area (roughly 800 individuals).

An average hallway in the Priory's main Cock-Pound.

Bait

Uncle Dick was pleasantly surprised when 800 of the area's finest men, women, and [REDACT- INCOMPLIANCE 3A] arrived at his doorstep. Uncle Dick generously offered them each a place on his Grand Old Bed (which measured roughly 1000 meters wide). They happily obliged, and began a Warshipper-level orgy with every single Priory member (the sex workers insisted nobody be left out).

While the massive orgy raged on in the Grand Old Bedroom, Hank Schrader and a group of SWAT and DEA agents swarmed the Cock-Pound. With no guards on duty, they easily dispatched the security cameras and snuck into the main lobby. Here they were greeted with a massive golden sculpture of Uncle Dick, with an impossibly long male appendage coiling from his groin, onto the floor, and up to the stairs, where it became a railing.

Racist Imagery and Poultry Smuggling

Antiquated, Segregation-era posters reading 'Whites Only' lined the hallways of Uncle Dick's Cock-pound (he was a racist). Hank and the DEA/SWAT agents ignored these posters, until they heard a soft cooing from behind one of them. Hank ripped the poster off to reveal two snow-white hens, nestled uncomfortably between the brick. Hank gently grabbed the birds and tossed them carefully out the fourth-story window.

Uncle Dick's Cockhole.

The agents tore down the rest of the posters, finding only white chickens here, too. The agents also threw all of these chickens out of the fourth-story window, unaware that Chickens were very poor flyers.

After an hour or so, when the Sex Worker Team was wrapping up and clocking out, Hank and the DEA and SWAT agents advanced on the Grand Old Bedroom. When the only noise they heard was Uncle Dick's heart monitor, they kicked down the door. Hank informed Uncle Dick that he was under arrest.

Uncle Dick's Cockhole

Uncle Dick smirked and threw his pillow at Hank. He then jumped up and down on his Grand Old Bed three times, and the mattress suddenly and violently retracted, revealing rows upon rows of chickens crammed into the bedframe. Over two hundred thousand chickens were startled at the sudden burst of light, and they panicked and fluttered out of Uncle Dick's Cockhole. A violent cloud of hens immediately swarmed Hank and the Agents, and Uncle Dick made his escape.

Hank and the agents bolted for the door, but found themselves locked in the Grand Old Bedroom. Shielding themselves from the vicious whirlwind of claws and feathers, and seeing no way out, they resorted to a regretful tactic- arson.

World's Largest Barbecue

Hank smashed the lightswitch with his crowbar and began ripping out wires at random. Eventually, a spark caught the wooden wall, and a small fire began spreading. The flapping of thousands of chickens greatly helped fan the flame and accelerate the fire's growth. The Chickens, startled yet again by a new source of light, flocked to the windows, leaving a large empty space near the locked door. Hank, pitying them, shot the glass out of a few of the windows, before launching his crowbar through the door in a way that would've made Gordon Freeman proud.

The agents hurried downstairs, and found Uncle Dick standing in the lobby, which had caught fire by this point. He was staring at his impossibly long golden appendage. As the flames crept ever closer, Hank screamed over the blaze that Uncle Dick needed to leave the Cock-pound at once. Uncle Dick was unable, or unwilling, to heed his words, and the agents were forced to vacate the premises. Uncle Dick perished in front of his golden cock.

Disbanding of the Priory

Roughly five Priory members survived the inferno, and they elected to disband the Priory of Cock forever. This greatly impacted the illegal chicken trade, but a new kingpin would soon take the mantle...