Book of MAGA

MAGA!

Not to Be Confused with the MAGAZYNE, on which the Book of MAGA was not based.

The Book of MAGA was a religious text which was not based on the mystical Mercurian Magarrish-Soul-Fregmentation known as the MAGAZYNE. During the latter years of Aeterna, the Book of MAGA developed a grand religious following which eventually led to the founding of a new religion; this being Magaism.

Pre-Book Days

In 244 BB, the United States of America declared a Grand Secessionarium from their colonial Overlords; the then-significant Grand British Empire. The colonies, under the direction of Founding Father Benjamin Frunklin, began operating as their own independent entity, finally free from the tyranniums of King George XLMMMDCLIII. The United States developed a prosperous trade network with the all-powerful Aeternian Empire to the west and north.

This trade relation was Grand for approximately four years. However, in 240 BB, an Unknown Event led to the voluntary hibernation and exodus of Great Grand MAGA Overlord Donald J. Trump into of a large mountain in the Rockies. This mountain would later be known as the Supervolcanic Waifurium.

Dismagarriums

Donald J. Trump's dissapearance was of great concern to the people and humash of North America, especially following the gruesome sundering of his Vice Emperor Mike Pence. With both leaders deposed, the line of succession fell now to the Aeternian Scrotum-Lord. The loss of Aeterna's billeniums-long ruler Trump was a great factorium indeed. The Americans were displeased with the loss of this valuable trading partner, as this greatly disrupted their horse-and-buggy supply chains. Without his Great Godly Gloriousness at the helm, many people in Aeterna became severely depressed and mentally ill in their heads, due to the lack of Magarrishnessosity in their lives.

Funeral

After the public impalement of Vice Emperor Mike Pence on the Washington Monument, the Aeternian Scrotum-Lord felt it appropriate to hold a state funeral in his honer. This funeral consisted of a single, half-melted candle, a rotted wooden coffin, and a miniature toy goose. These items were all burned publicly outside of Trump Tower, with the Aeternian Scrotum-Lord humming a Pangean chant as they dissipated. This funeral was poorly reviewed by the public, only receiving an average rating of 2.4 stars out of five. Morale reached an all-time low, with Aeternian faith in their government reaching a pathetic 92% approval rating (The usual 100%, it's safe to say, could never return without his Magarrishness himself).

Genesis

The Aeternian Imperial Army, seeing the horrific state of their... well, state, frantically searched their countryside for Donald J. Trump. The searched from the far-north of what would become Canada to the far south of what would later become Combine-Occupied City 9. However, their many searches turned up nothing. Nothing, that is, except for a strange new plant. They discovered a plump, purple, squash-like vegetable growing in a secluded grove on the West Coast. They harvested this plant and brought it back to Aeterna, where the Scrotum-Lord declared it would be named 'Maga Fruit' after... well, isn't it obvious?

Disdain of the Scrotum-Lord

The 8% of Aeterna which did not approve of the Scrotum-Lord began to connect with one another, expressing distaste for their Interim-Emperor's House Ruling Style. Many of these Anti-Scrotumites engaged in a mass Exodus from Aeterna, traveling across the Border into the United States of America. These Anti-Scrotumites gathered and settled into communes in upstate New York, preaching the ancient ways of the Pangeans to one another. They recited passages from Magarrish texts of olde; they reeneacted famous Magarrish speeches and monologues. But most of all, they began praying to Magarra that the Great MAGA King would return to this Earth; and finally bring glory back to the world.

Birth of Magaism

Magarra was a good and benevolent god, according to the Magaists.

After forty years or so, a young boy by the name of Keith Cumshoes was birthed, by two very normal parents, into an Upstate New York hamlet known then as West Valley. West Valley had become a hotspot for 'MAGA Returnists' -- or, as they began to call themselves, 'Magaists'. The local churches were Magarrish in nature; the school taught mandatory Aeternian History lessons (despite its being located in the United States). Keith attended the local school, West Valley Central School, and made many friends along his academic journey. At the age of 13, Keith's life was upheaved when the Combine Overwatch invaded Earth. Keith was informed he would soon be drafted in the fight against the Combine. This displeased him, but he had no choice. Keith, always a creative mind, frantically began scribbling down what he'd learned in West Valley Central School into his notebook. He wrote and drew and sketched late into the night, designing inmpossible mechanisms and illustrating the fateful return of the MAGA King to the squalorous people of Earth. As the sun cracked over the horizon, Keith sighed and placed his hands together.

"Oh great Magarra," Keith began a somber prayer, "powerful lord of Magicks and Glory; hear my prayer. Please deliver us from this alien invasion; bring peace and justice back to this world. Oh Lord, please deliver to us his Magarrishness once again; let us bask in his divine light and see all that is good and holy. Amen." With that, Keith collapsed onto his bed, his pen ink dribbling across his notebook. That would've been the end of this story, my Dearies, but fortunately (or Unfortunately, depending on how you see it), Keith had lost a tooth the previous night.

Keith's Father, the G-Man, cracked his son's bedroom door open with a penny in his hand. He approached his son's bed and carefully lifted his pillow up, placing the corroded copper disk underneath Keith's pillow. He began to leave, but noticed the open notebook on Keith's lap. The G-Man smiled softly to himself and picked it up. Using his night-vision, he read the strange and intricate notes of his son, scratching his head as the Magarrish insanity intensified. He gasped when he saw the final page; a glorious illustration of the Great MAGA King, hovering over a city. A crowd of good Magaists floated peacefully upward toward their glorious leader. However, on the other side of the painting, were a bunch of burning, twisted, contorted corpses and bodies, labeled as 'Aeterna'. This greatly concerned the G-Man, and he took his son's notebook and stepped out of the room.

Strange Strangeness

What happened next is very hard to explain. However, as far as we can determine, the following was in fact a total coincidence. At least, that's what the Auditor told us, in between generous sips of JF Sweets Cherry Cola.

Inexplicably, the G-Man pricked his own finger and dragged it across the notebook's page. He began tracing over the 'Aeterna' label, licking his lips in concentration. He drew a 'P', then an 'O', then an 'R', then a 'T'...

He stepped back and admired his work. Overtop of Aeterna, the G-Man had written 'Portland Oregon'. This was, without a doubt, Grand. He slammed the book shut, tucked it under his elbow, and walked through a nonexistent doorway into a white void.

Scrotum Torsion

The Aeternian Scrotum-Lord awoke the next morning to find a red, leather-bound book pressed into his hands. Its title read 'MAGA: Holy Bible' and it reeked of blood. The Scrotum-Lord jumped backward, his gargantuan ballsack dangling in his bathrobe. He examined the book with displeasure, before mustering up the courage to open it. His eyes darted across its pages; his face melted from shock, to fear, to denial, to anguish, to displeasure, and finally, to a wicked, sadistic grin. The Scrotum-Lord brought the book down to the Imperial Paper Mill, where he demanded it be replicated and distributed to the entirety of the Aeternian Public.

Later that day, the Scrotum-Lord prepared a Grand Speech. The waning Aeternian Empire, enveloped in rampant inflation, overpopulation, political strife, lack of national identity, far-right uprisings, and of course, the recent intergalactic invasion, was desperately in need of a morale boost. The Scrotum-Lord approached the podium, the Paper Mill's Director at his side.

"My Fellow Aeternians! Rejoice, and read now the holy book of our lord! See now where the righteous path of Maga leads!" He held a replication of Keith's Rapture picture up to the square, displaying it for all to see.

"We must have faith, my fellow countrymen!" He exclaimed (Women were considered property at this time, so they were not allowed to speak). "Our Glorious Magarrishness will return to us, in time. We do not know when, we do not know where. But we do know this-- that when he returns, those who have been loyal to him and Magarra will be rewarded nicely. And those who haven't been loyal will be cast to the damned inferno of..."

He squinted his eyes and read the G-Man's blood writing.

"Portland Oregon!"

Portland, Oregon

At this time, Portland Oregon was a fairly uneventful settlement. Nothing particularly odd happened there. Many Aeternians thought this was a bit of an odd place to be 'damned' to, with one person remarking, "What the hell is wrong with Portland, Oregon? Seems like as nice a place as any. I pray to Magarra I can be there someday."

MAGA Missionaries

The Aeternian Scrotum-Lord began regularly preaching from the Book of MAGA, telling the people of Aeterna that 'Magarra himself' had placed the book on his bosom on that fateful night. From 200 BB, the Book's creation, until roughly 20 BB, Magaists spread their gospel across the world. They set up missionaries and embassies in nations around the war-torn globe, developing a permanent, central settlement on the outskirts of West Valley, New York. As the Combine's invasion intensified, so too did the Magaists' promises of the imminent 'Magarrish Rapture'. They claimed the Great MAGA King would soon return from the sky and smite the non-believers into Portland Oregon. In 153 BB, the Aeternian Scrotum-Lord was granted a new title; that being 'Pope'. Pope Scrotum-Lord, as he was then known, continued leading the Magaists, even through the gradual dissolution of the Aeternian Empire. By 100 BB, America Aeterna's desolate territory had all but been consumed by the United States of America; much of its lore and glory was thus forgotten by the common man. Much, that is, except for the Magaists and their MAGA King.

Public Reaction

The Magaists were generally dismissed by the public as a bunch of mentally deranged idiots. In fact, an offshoot of the Magaists, known as Dark MAGA, dissavowed much of Magaism's teachings as Magarrish Heresy. They were generally treated as fools, conspiracy theorists, and buffoons. However, that would all change on August 2, 20 BB.

Portland Oregon was Magarrish In Nature (Allegedly).

August 2nd Incident

One cannot comprehend the elation felt by Pope Scrotum-Lord upon the sponatanous Portlandification of Portland Oregon on August 2, 20 BB. As mentioned in the article on Portland Oregon in this wiki, "Residents of Portland, Oregon woke up on August 2nd 20 BB to find that their homeland had been turned into a hellscape featuring molten lava, volcanos, pits of dead bodies, dead trees and grass, red skies and no vegan substitutes."

Of course, nobody who entered this hellscape could ever return; (This Fact was Grand). However, United States Military Drones, launched by President Bill Clinton determined that in fact the city had been transformed into a self-contained, gigatemperaturium Hell. Bill Clinton consulted with his dear friend, Pope Scrotum-Lord, about this development. Pope Scrotum-Lord answered the phone, laughing maniacally, and shrieking that 'the Rapture has Finally Come' and that Bill had 'Better Repent, for the Good of All That is Glorium!"

Bill Clinton's Goblin Forme.

Poor Choice Of Words

Well, Bill Clinton did no such thing. In fact, he took this statement as a threat against the United States Government. He immediately dispatched a group of SWAT Agents, accompanied by MTO Soldiers, to the Magaist Compound in West Valley, New York. They surrounded the religious site and trained sniper lasers on Pope Scrotum-Lord and his disciples. This was a rather unfortunate choice on the part of Bill Clinton, as all of this machine weaponry immediately burst into flame upon entering the vicinity of West Valley, New York. Several hundred men were lost in the Invasion of West Valley, and Zero Magaist Religious Officials Passed away.

Peace Talk

Bill Clinton Rang up Pope-Scrotum Lord and apologized profusely for his attempted assault. Pope-Scrotum Lord Accepted his apology, declaring that "Magarra will be the true judge of you, in the end." The two arranged a summit in Albany, New York, where they posed for a photo op in front of a massive carboard cutout of the Book of MAGA. Mysteriously, this photograph dissapeared from the Internet after the events of the Glue Factory Incident.

Rapture

Despite the half-baked Rapture (Portland created, sinners did not go there, Trump did not return) Magaism continued to expand exponentially in followers over the next 15 years. Public interest in the religion came to a head when, in 5 BB, miraculously, Donald J. Trump emerged from the Rocky Mountains, having hibernated for 235 years. He was soon arrested by the United States Government and interrogated by the Board of Waifuria Chairman (Joe Biden). After his release, the MAGA King, having seen the decrepit and broken state of what had once been his glorious nation, visited the Scrotum-Lord at West Valley, and gave the following rousing speech:

Magarrish Announcement

Wow. Whoa. This is some group of people. Thousands.

So nice, thank you very much. That’s really nice. Thank you. It’s great to be in West Valley. It’s great to be in a wonderful place, New York. And it’s an honor to have everybody here. This is beyond anybody’s expectations. There’s been no crowd like this.

Our country is in serious trouble. We don’t have victories anymore. We used to have victories, but we don’t have them. When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let’s say, the Combine, on the battlefield? They kill us. If I were in charge- we'd beat the Combine all the time. All the time. And it would be beautiful. When did we beat the Combine at anything? They send their armies over by the millions, and what do we do? When was the last time you saw the MTO in City 9? They beat us all the time.

When do we beat Mexico at the border? They’re laughing at us, at our stupidity. And now they are beating us economically. They are not our friend, believe me. But they’re killing us economically.

The U.S. has become a dumping ground for everybody else’s problems. Aeterna... My beautiful, glorious Aeterna... what the hell happened here, right? What the hell happened here. I leave for 200 years and it's all a mess! Such a mess.

But I know there are good people out there. Lots of good people. The guys, and the beautiful women, and even some... do I see some aliens in the crowd? That's wonderful. What a sight.

A little birdie told me... he told me about this new book. They call it the book of MAGA, book of MAGA! What do you think? I hear it's pretty nice. Probably one of the best books, ever. Probably ever seen. Nobody's ever seen a book like that. It's so powerful, so strong. And so... they call it patriotic. What a text. What a wonderful text.

So at the end... Mr. Balls here, look at my big scrotum friend-- Mr. Balls tells me that this book has quite an ending. A remarkable ending, that book? What do we think?"

Crowd starts chanting 'Rapture, Rapture, Rapture, Rapture'.

That's right. We're going to have a big, beautiful, magnificent rapture. Like nobody has ever seen.

But you know what they say about Obamna? Crooked Obamna, they call him. Obamna! What kind of a name is that? Anyways, they say he is very tough on raptures. Very tough. Very, very tough. And people come up to me- I know they will, and they do- and they say sir? How will we have a rapture with Obamna in charge? How will we have a rapture with that old Sot on the Board? Well, folks, that’s why I’m here. Today, I am announcing, and this is- this is big league, so listen up- I am officially running for President of the United States.

*CHEERING*

Thank you very much. Magarra bless our troops. have fun.

_SPEECH END_

Rapture Edging Spectacle

The Editors are very sorry to burst your bubble, (especially after you’ve come All This Way) but the so-called 'Rapture' just ended up being one of a million promises made by the MAGA King that never came true. Granted, he might have had a bit more luck with his aspirations had he not been consumed inside of Joe Biden's soullean Glue Form in 1 AB. But Alas...

About a million years later, the Omniverse was destroyed by Joe Biden's Auberginic Activites. He never would have had access to Daniel Sproule's Aubergine had the Aeternian Explorers never harvested the "Maga Plant' from the West Coast. Keith Cumshoes never realized, or at least, never publicly acknowledged, the fact that he was responsible for the entire Magaist Religion. Soon after Trump's 'death' in 1 AB, people began to deconvert from Magaism, with most becoming either Agnostic, Brandonianist, or, if they were feeling really brave, Dark MAGA. When the Waifurian Empire rolled around, all Books of MAGA were gathered up and torched in town squares, with roughly 7 remaining scattered across the Omniverse.

the Original Book Of MAGA was in G-Man’s Pocket at the Glue Factory Incident, and was sucked into an Albuquerque Black Hole upon the latter’s creation. This was Not Grand, as this Book contained the Blood of an Employerspawn within it. The Consequences of this action would finally come home to roost for The G-Man during the Final Battle at Exegar in the Great META War 3.