Io

Io (EYE-Oh) was one of the Four Grand Moons of Jupiter.

Io was a highly volcanic world, being comprised largely of sulfur. Io was a rather smelly place, ranking 5th on the Omniversal Worst Smelling Locations of All Time poll. Io suffered tremendously due to its molten core and close proximity to Jupiter. Io was uninhabited, and was a rather inhospitable place. It was one of many planets which the Galactic Empires were never able to conquer.

The Astronomer

In 520 BB, an Italian astronomer from Earth, Galileo Galilei, discovered the four Grand Moons of Jupiter. While muching on tortilla chips and cheese, he noted that the three bodies were a bit unremarkable; they were gray, lifeless orbs. But then, Galileo pointed his telescope at Io, and he almost dropped it. "Mamma Mia! Grand cheesy hellworld!", Galileo exclaimed, before dropping his bowl of nacho cheese onto his notebook and collapsing onto the floor.

Galileo was visited by a wretched historical being in his slumber. By some accounts, this being was a traitorous Combine dignitary, warning Earth of the Combine Intergalactic Army's encroachment into the Milky Way. By other accounts, it was Jeff Brown.

Regardless, Galileo awoke feeling very dazed and confused from this visage, and couldn't remember his observations from the night before. On a piece of parchment, he had drawn a picture of three moons, and Jupiter, so he surmised that was all he had discovered.

Why Jeff Brown may have interfered with this is unknown, however; many think it was out of loyalty to the Callisto Conch.

Cheeseball Theorem

Another astronomer at the time, a nomadic individual who was roaming across Europe, sighted Io on a cloudless night with his bare eyes. He ran to the nearest village to share with them his discovery of what he called the "Big Cheese". They chased him out with pitchforks, as he had done something rotten at a nearby village and was no longer welcome anywhere in Bavaria-Austria.

This astronomer eventually made his way to the south of France, where he fell face-first into a pile of mud. A farmer stumbled upon him, and asked him what he was doing in his cow pasture. The astronomer replied, "I need to tell you about the Big Cheese".

The astronomer told him about his observations, and also told him he missed his 'river friends'. The farmer asked the astronomer to draw a picture of Io, and he did, with eerie accuracy. The farmer promised to take this drawing to the College of Alsace-Lorraine, and have the astronomers document the findings. With this, our muddied astronomer stood up from the mud and, without another word, began wandering away towards the setting sun.

Who Found Io?

When the drawing had finally arrived at Alsace-Lorraine, so had Galileo, roughly three days prior. Upon seeing the impeccable illustration, Galileo recalled his findings, and demanded to be credited with the discovery of Io. The college told him he had no proof of his discovery. Galileo, frustrated, promised he would prove it. He rushed home to his study, and, forty-eight days later, he returned to the college of Alsace-Lorraine, with a crumpled piece of paper. On the piece of paper, next to his drawing of three moons and Jupiter, was a large glob of crusty nacho cheese. Fortunately for Galileo, the aforementioned muddy astronomer had called Io "Cheeseworld", and Galileo claimed copyright infringement, and became the sole rightsholder to Io (still named Cheeseworld), a legacy which would haunt him to his grave.

Kid Named Io

In 400 BB, a Grand Convention of Astronomers was assembled outside of the ever-growing Trump Tower, by the Great God Emperor himself. Many astronomers had grown increasingly annoyed with the names of Jupiter's moons; they thought Callisto, Europa, and Ganymede were fine names. For some reason, however, they didn't like the name "Cheeseworld" for a mysterious celestial body. Great Mysteries as to why.

The astronomers of Earth bickered for several days over this matter, exchanging insults and firing cannons at one another, as was custom.

Eventually, a small child by the name of Io, who was the son of one of the astronomers, tried to organize the unwieldy group. He was struck in the head by a granite model of Venus, and suffered a minor headache from this. His father was outraged, and began screaming hysterically at the other astronomers. In an effort to calm the father down, a French Astronomer by the name of Oui Oui Von Shitfuck decided that they should name the moon Io, after the father's son, who had a boo boo on his head. This was agreed upon in grand speed, and the name remained.