Joe Biden's Bizarre Adventure
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Joe Biden's Bizarre Adventure, otherwise known as the Mummyrific Timetrip, was an anomalous timefracture event which saw Emperor Joseph Robinette Biden I of Waifuria being launched across various real and nonreal realms across the interdimensional plane.
Let's Go
It all began when Mummy was enjoying some flavorless tea and hard tack in his office. As his aides chatted away with James Fargo and Geoffrey Eckstein, Mummy stared absentmindedly off into the distance, pondering what bluebirds tasted like. When a document was slid onto his desk, Mummy signed it, without reading a single word. Such Grand leadership.
Mummy was suddenly stirred from his brainwander when a white flash blasted across his vision, and a disembodied voice called to him...
"Time, Mister Biden?"
Mummy looked around in terror, staring up at the ceiling, ignoring the fact that everyone in the room had frozen in place.
"Is it really that time again?"
Mummy began trembling and whimpering, calling out to 'Charlize' (no such person existed).
Suddenly, a figure appeared in the blinding light. Carrying an elegant briefcase, and dressed in a well-worn lime-green suit, G-Man (Timefracture Alpha) took a deep breath and smiled at the clueless Mummy.
"Mummy, Mummy in the flesh- or rather, in the business suit. I took the liberty of relieving you of your... brainrot. Most of it was, government property."
The Horrid Mummywake
Joe Biden began screaming in sudden agony and complete horror. His consciousness had been returned to him violently in a single moment, thanks to a nudge. To a normal human, this would've caused a complete psychotic break. But Joe Biden was no normal human...
"I understand the urge to have a... mental break-down. Please- do not.. derail, just yet, my dear Mummy-"
"Why do you keep calling me that- Mummy? what- what happened to me- I don't...", Biden's voice trailed off.
"I require a small indulgence on your part, Mister Biden. You see-"
"Who the fuck are you, jack? What is all this malarkey?"
"Who I am, matters less... than what I can offer you... in exchange for... coming all this way."
"Oh yeah?"
"You, Mummy, you Rotten haggard Thing-"
"Hey!"
"You are the Omniversal Reflex Point. Your Rotten Stumblings are integral to the Omniversal path- but something is awry, hmm? It appears, dear Mummy, in all of your wisdom... that you... sadly, sadly, failed to perform a certain... blunder." The G-Man shook his head and took a step towards Joe Biden.
"What?"
"September- Do you remember, Mummy, what happened in September?"
Joe Biden's face hardened.
"What the- what are you accusing me of-"
"Oh- dear Rotter- I accuse you of nothing, my measly, oily pig. I only encourage you to come with me to correct this... oversight."
"Come with you to- to do what, exactly?"
"The Error."
"There is no Error."
"Oh- but there is- there is- dear Mummy- a colossal error."
The G-Man procured a miniature snowglobe of New York City. Several iconic landmarks stood in the center. He then procured an identical snowglobe, with one minor difference.
"I need you to help me turn this-", The G-Man motioned to the first snowglobe, and then shook it profusely,
"Into this", he continued, moving the second snowglobe to Joe Biden's view. When Biden realized what the G-Man was implying, he was aghast.
"Surely you can't be serious.", Biden said, backing away from the G-Man.
"I am serious. Deadly serious. Oh- Do Not be irked, dear Rotter. You are the... guy, hmm? The guy for this job."
Joe Biden backed away from G-Man, increasing his speed. His head was spinning with thoughts and ideas in a way it hadn't for several thousand years.
"Please, don't run, Mummy. The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world."
Biden started running, but as he turned and looked behind him, he noticed the G-Man had disappeared, and only realized too late that the entity had opened a portal right in front of him, and he'd literally run right into it.
Robinette
Biden opened his eyes to find himself sitting in a dark clearing, Still delirious, and processing his memories of the past 2,000 years finally returning to him, Joe took a deep breath and tried to relax. For several moments, he sat quietly, listening to the wind rustling in the leaves, and the peaceful footsteps of- wait.
Joe Biden jumped as a figure approached him from a clearing. Donned in heavy armor, and brandishing a long, cylindrical weapon of some kind, Biden was stunned to see his spitting image approach him.
"What are you doing here... jack?" the other Biden asked gutterally, gripping his weapon tighter.
"I don't know, Jack. I don't know why I'm here- I- I mean no harm."
"What did you just call me?"
"Jack."
"Don't you fucking Jack me, jack!", the other Biden suddenly exclaimed, igniting his lightsaber and swiping at the ground with the powerful weapon, leaving a scorch mark in the sand.
Biden scuttered back, as his timefracture self slowly walked towards him. Biden felt the heat of the lightsaber blade burning his leg hair (which turned blonde in the sun).
"You- you're a clone." The other Biden said, glowering down at Joe.
"No- I mean- I'm you. From another reality."
Joe Biden sat up and regained his composure.
"Some guy- some guy in a suit- he pushed me into this doorway- and I woke up here."
The other Biden stared down at Joe for a moment, and then disengaged his lightsaber, and held his hand out to help him up.
"I'm President Robinette. But friends- and uh- you know- uh...- they call me Rob." , the Other Biden said.
Joe Biden graciously took Rob's hand, and, despite his frail state, was able to get up from the hard ground.
"We'd better get back to shelter, Jack. The Storm is closing in."
Joe Biden furrowed his brow.
"The Storm?"
Suddenly, as if on cue, a massive wall of plasma appeared on the horizon, encircling a large portion of land.
It lit up the dry night sky like a freakish Aurora, and made Joe Biden jump. Rob seemed unfazed, and motioned for Joe to continue walking.
Timefracture Mysterium
"So, where- uh- where are we, Jack?", Joe asked, staring up at the unfamiliar night sky.
Rob took a deep breath.
"Right now, we're in a place called Floridium. It's the capital of our free world, Gaia. I'm the President of the greatest country on the planet- the Confederate States of America."
Joe Biden held his tongue.
"Yep, jack- you bet. Back in the dark ages, we used to be governed- gorned, rather- by a bunch of folks who were against- uh- against- seperation."
Joe Biden once again furrowed his brow.
"What do you mean- seperation?"
Rob laughed.
"You know what I mean, Jack- you know th-the-the thing. All them- other folks. We don't want them in our- you know- in our towns- and our- you know- you know the thing."
"Ah."
"We fought- we did a civil war- we- uh- we killed the politicians, jack. Then we- uh- we killed the tall- the tall guy at the theatre- and we took over."
Joe Biden felt his heart drop, as they approached the outer walls of the city. Was Rob talking about what he thought he was talking about?
The Horrors of New Richmond
The Confederate flag flew high above the city walls of New Richmond. As the two Bidens entered the city, the first thing Joe noticed was a horrible, wretched stench, that smelled of decaying roadkill. The narrow, cobblestone streets were littered with human fecal matter. People walked around the streets completely naked, with heinous injuries to their arms, neck, and skull. Joe spotted several people with their eyeballs hanging completely limp out of their eye sockets.
"Not to be rude- but- I have to ask-"
"Yes?"
"What's with all the- um-"
"..what?"
"The injuries."
Rob shot Joe a quizzical look.
"What do you mean?"
Joe Biden pointed to a man with a gaping, hollow opening straight through his shoulder.
"Like that."
Rob stared blankly at the man, and then shrugged.
"Oh... That's just Jeff." Rob said spitefully, before spitting on the ground towards Jeff as the maimed man walked past.
Rob led Joe deeper down the streets of New Richmond, with them becoming progressively more unclean the deeper into the city they got. Joe had to stop several times to take a deep breath (which he did into his suit jacket, so as to avoid inhaling the noxious fecal odor around him). Rob appeared unfazed by the noxious odor in the air, and even stepped in piles of human shit several times, without appearing to care.
Joe noticed Rob didn't make eye contact with any of the people in the town- in fact, his variant barely even acknowledged their existence. As they approached the city core, Joe began to realize why. Rob was some sort of godlike ruler of this pitiful disaster.
"So- uh- what exactly do you do, here- jack?"
Rob laughed, and hit Joe on the back with a meatier-than-expected hand.
"I'm the CFO."
"Excuse me?"
"Yeah, I'm the CFO of the Confederate States- of- uh- yeah. I'm the CEO- look, fat, look. You might wanna watch that flabber-flap mouth around here. You never know who's uh- who's listening."
Rob suddenly stopped and, after looking both ways down the narrow alleyway they'd been walking down, banged three times on a seemingly arbitrary point on the wall.