Joe Biden (Disambigaution)
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| Joe Biden | |
|---|---|
| Aliases | Chairman of the Board
The Mummy Rotter Leather Hide Doll Osiris |
| Relatives | Hunter Biden (Son) |
| Affiliation | United States
Board of Waifuria Waifurian Empire |
| Occupation | Military General
North American Overlord Emperor of Waifuria |
| Biographical information | |
| Date of birth | 04/20/2,331 B.B. |
| Place of birth | Mesopotamia |
| Date of death | 05/04/44,332 A.B. |
| Place of death | Alpha Centauri B |
| Physical description | |
| Species | Human (Allegedly) |
| Gender | Male |
| Height | 5'10 |
| Eye color | Dead |
| Appearances | |
Joe Biden was an extremely influencial political figure in the Rick Hernia Omniverse, being a major player in the European Bronze Age, and eventually becoming Emperor of Waifuria and ruler of the entire Local Supercluster.
Tempus Iuventae
Straight Outta Mesopotamia (2331 BB-1700 BB)
When Biden was born in Mesopotamia, his parents bathed him the sacred Pond of Legume. The water imbued the future Emperor with an extraordinary gift: everlasting life.
Biden was raised in a river-valley civilization, where he worked with his father and brothers on a farm tending to goats and cattle. Biden had his very own rice patty, which he Early Adventureswas very proud of.
Tempus Eleifend
Ancient Egypt (1700 BB- 1644 BB)
Young Joe remained physically ten years old until roughly 1700 BB. By this time, the river valley was starting to dry up, and Joe moved south to Egypt. Here, he became fascinated with the Great Pyramids, which would no doubt influence his choice of Imperial Palace later in life.
Joe integrated into the Egyptian society, and even became pharaoh for a time. When his immortality was realized, the Egyptian people began to worship him as a god, believing him to be the Egyptian God of the Underworld, Osiris.
Origins of Brainrot: The Curse of Osiris (1644 BB)
This greatly displeased Osiris, who sent a great plague of brain-eating termites to Egypt. These termites infected Joe Biden, and began slowly eating his brain. Due to his accursed immortality, Biden's immune system was able to defend against them for quite some time; however, by 600 BB, his brainrot had really taken hold. During his final days, it was believed Biden's cerebrum was filled with 89% termites and 11% brain.
When the plague did not immediately kill Biden, as it did many of his constituents, Osiris sent a grand flood to the Nile River, which swept up the Mummy and carried him across the Mediterrenean Sea to Greece.
Greek Life (1644- 1640 BB)
Joe Biden once again began farming upon his arrival in Greece. He became renowned around the Byzantine Empire for his excellent Goat Cheese (which he made after forgetting he left goat milk in a vase).
Emperor Theodosius the First heard of Biden’s excellent cheese, and travelled all the way from Constantinople to visit his farm. Unfortunately, in what may have been the first Mummy Blunder of All Time, Biden told the Emperor to “screw off, jack”.
Biden was arrested by the Imperial Guard and sentenced to four years in prison for ‘threatening’ the Emperor. When Biden got out, he returned home to his farm to find it looted and in shambles. Biden cried for several hours, before gathering what belongings he had left and starting down the road. As Biden would soon find out, all roads lead to Rome.
Beggar Arc (1640 BB-1432 BB)
Biden found himself squatting in the streets of Rome for the next few hundred years, with nowhere to go. He groveled in alleys and piles of human feces, desperate for money to buy his way out of Rome. Once, Biden was almost rich enough to afford a chariot and horses, but was mugged by an undercover Goth during the Gothic War. He put up quite a fight, drawing on his Legumish Quintessence to beat back his assailant. Biden eventually gave up, threw his money at the Goth, and ran away crying. This demonstrates he was likely unaware of his own immortality.
In 1432, Biden was spotted by a man who remembered Biden from his youth, and recalled that he had looked exactly the same. The Man offered Biden 1500 gold pieces, in exchange for Biden's competition in a Gladiator Duel to the Death.
Tempus Gladiatorium Summum
Roman Amphitheatre (1432 BB-1427 BB)
Biden was set to duel a famed gladiator from Florence, the infamous Icthalius Hippodramus. Hippodramus had conquered and defeated all those who dared to (or, were forced to) battle him. Hippodramus took one look at the scrawny, balding Joe Biden (who physically appeared to be 33 years old), and laughed. He thought Biden would be an easy win.
Icthalius Hippodramus was carried out in several pieces from the Colosseum, including five different skull fragments.
Biden became the Supreme Gladiator (or Summus Gladiator) and was revered throughout Europe for his vicious and bloodthirsty fighting style. Biden bested over 300 opponents over the course of five years. The Roman people marvelled at his ability to stay standing after having massive holes in his torso (one of many abilities granted by the Legumish Quintessence).
Byzantine Emperor (1427 BB-576 BB)
A coup was brewing in the city of Constantinople. The Byzantine Empire had been plagued with wars and famine. Emperor Maurice, while leading several successful crusades, was losing the faith of his military officers. Many of Maurice's closest allies had seen Biden's impressive displays in the Colosseum, and sought Biden's immortality in the Emperor's throne. With an immortal Emperor, surely the empire would grow only stronger. What could possibly go wrong with one man having unlimited power and unlimited life? (See Waifurian Empire)
General Tullius, one of Maurice's 'closest friends', executed the Emperor by poisoning his grapes with ricin powder. Biden was kidnapped from his quarters in the Colosseum and brought to Constantinople, where he was told he was Emperor. Biden was reportedly very happy about this, and didn't question how he had suddenly just become Emperor of a major European power.
Biden ruled for over 900 years. He was, of course, merely a figurehead, and the Byzantine Empire was in fact entirely controlled by the military. The Byzantine Empire became the very first police state.
Tempus Ottomanicum
Invasion of the Turks (576 BB)
Biden's empire fell to ruin after the Ottoman Turks besieged Constantinople and, after several months without trade and food imports, the people began dying. Biden's military officers all starved to death. The Mummy, well underway with his brainrotting by this time, believed hey were all quitting, and began complaining that "no one wants to work these days, man".
When the Ottoman Turks found Biden, they surmised that he was simply a delirious homeless man with no coherent idea of where he was or why he was there. While that was true, they failed to realize the true power which Biden held. He was thrown out onto the streets of Constantinople.
The Grand Westward Mummytrip (576 BB-442 BB)
Biden began walking west, in aims of "catching up" to Sol (the Sun). He traveled through Europe for several decades, aimlessly wandering west and stopping to examine whatever caught his eye. He walked through several active battlefields, including the French Invasion of Italy in 550 BB.
Biden eventually reached the Portuguese coast, where he began swimming into the Atlantic Ocean. After several weeks, he reached the frigid coast of Iceland. In Iceland, he gave up walking west for a while (although this brainrotten activity would later resume). During his 'time off', he blundered on several occassions, including walking into an active volcano not one, not twice, but three seperate times.
By 442 BB, Biden was tired of Iceland, and he remembered, somehow, his initial goal- chasing the Sun. He dived right into the freezing waters of the north (in the middle of April) and began swimming west, once again, as he had one hundred years ago.
Whale Times (442 BB-431 BB)
Biden was swallowed by a large whale in the Atlantic Ocean. He remained inside the great maw of this docile beast for the next eleven years.
Chocolate Chocolate Chip Origin Story
The Whale traveled up and down the American coast for several years, consuming numerous coastal plants and animals which were unfortunate enough to be swept out to sea. During this time, several cocoa beans became lodged in its gullet. Biden became intrigued by these mysterious plants (which he had never seen in his time in the Old World).
The Mummy rottenly ate the cocoa beans, and was disgusted by their taste. However, he eventually shat them back out. After shitting them out, he ate them once again, and this time remarked that this was "some good damn malarkey". Joe Biden's Chocolate Recipe would become the First Ever Chocolate produced in the Rick Hernia Omniverse.
Biden's experience inside of this whale is thought to have been the origin of his morbid hyperfixation on Chocolate (more specifically, Chocolate Chocolate Chip Ice cream.).
Tempus Politicorum
Serving in The Great META War (50 BB-8 BB)
Joe Biden fought as a general in the Great META War, becoming known across North America for his daring exploits against Combine invaders. He proliferated the use of Superpredators against Combine forces. He was highly acclaimed for his record of winning most of his battles, although he turned against his forces near the end of his command. This was conveniently close to when he suddenly decided to retire from the military and enter politics. After claiming he was "Chosen by God", Biden was unanimously appointed to become Chairman of the Board of Waifuria in 8 B.B.
Chairman of the Board (8 BB-1 AB)
As Chairman of the Board, Biden oversaw the five north American Nations; Ohio (only in theory), Canada, Mexico, the United States, and Jacksonville Florida. He was also the Board's representative for the United States during this time, as he was (according to his 'legal' birth certificate) born there. Biden was frequently at odds with the President of the United States at the time, the long-lived entity Donald J. Trump. After the January 6th Insurrection and the death of most American government officials, the two eventually decided to meet to settle their differences. Unfortunately, they were met with unforeseen consequences at their meeting, culminating in the Glue Factory Incident and Trump's alleged death.
Waifuria Prime
Joe Biden illegally commissioned the construction of Waifuria Prime in 1 B.B, as Chairman of the Board. He was not granted any international authority to do this and many U.S. and world leaders were incredibly upset with him. The Great MAGA King, however, commended the Mummy on this structure, saying it blocked out the sun and helped him feel more comfortable. The MAGA King thrived in... the Dark.
Biden was unable to explain why he constructed this hyperintelligent artificial satellite. Perhaps the megadonors and bureaucrats who puppeted the Leather Hide Doll's every move could've explained it.
North American Overlord (1 AB-10 AB)
As Overlord, he had jurisdiction over the entire North American Continent. Not much changed during this nine-year period, however nefarious agents in his employ were secretly moving to secure him unlimited authority and power. In 10 A.B., Biden was granted "godlike all-encompassing" authority by the Board of Waifuria, and held his own Imperial Coronation Ceremony. The Board was disbanded shortly after this. It is unclear if Biden ever actually wanted any of this power, or even if he was in control of his own mind at this point.
Emperor of Waifuria (10 AB-44,332 AB)
As Emperor, Biden commanded all of the local Supercluster at the peak of his power. The supercluster actually prospered under his leadership. During this time, he fathered Hunter Biden, who would grow up to be the Scourge of the Omniverse, as well as a colossal dissapointment.
Joe Biden slipped and fell in 44,322 A.B. He died, but remained sentient and mobile. The years that followed were disastrous for the Waifurian Empire and the Mummy deteriorated rapidly. In 44,332 A.B., Joe Biden was shot into the atmosphere of Alpha Centauri B in a coup, ending his reign as emperor.
Accursed Immortality
Biden used the powers of the Legume to create life. While not force-sensitive, he had an inexplicable connection with the Legume and it granted him great power throughout his life. He had such a knowledge of the Legume that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. The Legume was a pathway to many abilities some considered to be unnatural. Biden became so powerful that the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his Vice Emperor, Marvin Fluxton, everything he knew. Then, his Vice Emperor killed him in his sleep (by shooting him into a star). Ironic. He could save others from death, but not himself.