Cucumber Joe
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Cucumber Joe was the leader of the Coloradian Drug cartel. Cucumber Joe was the most ruthless and vile creature on Earth.
Ransom
Cucumber Joe organized the kidnappings and disappearances of several US Officials. He held them for ransom, demanding payment in Canadian $1 bills. The US Government obliged, sending 1.3 billion individually packaged Canadian $1 bills to an undisclosed location in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
Cuke Drug Home
Cucumber Joe lived inside of a gigantic Sea Anemone, where he lurked with his minions, Sig'haroth (pictured left) and Suzanne Wilkins (pictured right). From here, Cucumber Joe ran the Coloradian Drug cartel remotely, organizing discreet high-profile drug transfers over popular video chatting site, Zoom.
Assassinations
Cucumber Joe was the subject of over 10,000 failed US (and later, Waifurian) CIA assassination attempts. These included poisoning (effectless), Anemone destabilization (failed), ricin injections (opposite effect), mercenaries (all drowned). The CIA also attempted to infiltrate Cucumber Joe's inner circle by training a pufferfish named Marnie to gain Cucumber Joe's trust. Unfortunately, Cucumber Joe ate Marnie and the plan was scrapped.
Rivaries
Cucumber Joe gained the ire of rival gangs during his time as leader of the Coloradian drug cartel; namely, he had a fierce rivalry with Pando, the Great Tree, a massive Aspen tree in Colorado who had been ousted as leader of the Coloradian drug cartel by Cucumber Joe. Pando had been ousted as part of a cyber-attack blackmail scandal, which was orchestrated by Sig'haroth and Suzanne Wilkins (at the direction of Cucumber Joe) with sonar equipment they had stolen from an Ecuadorian Fishing ship after sinking the vessel and eating its captain. Cucumber Joe and his cronies threatened to leak Pando's sensitive documents, including his birth certificate and Great Secret, to the United States government, as well as his criminal entanglements, unless he were to fork over control of the organization to Cucumber Joe (who was newly hatched). This, Pando did, and begrudgingly, leading to Cucumber Joe becoming the first-ever Remote Work Cartel Lord in the Western Hemisphere.
| Cucumber Joe | |
|---|---|
| Aliases | 'Da Big Cuke'
|
| Affiliation | Colorado Underworld (Leader) |
| Occupation | Drug Trafficker, Domestic Terrorist |
| Biographical information | |
| Date of birth | 07/22/03 BB |
| Place of birth | Pacific Ocean |
| Date of death | 03/32/17 AB |
| Place of death | Pacific Ocean |
| Physical description | |
| Species | Cukor |
| Gender | Male |
| Height | 39'4 |
| Weight | Incalculable |
| Eye color | White |
| Appearances | |
Sex Life
Cucumber Joe was a phallic immovable sea organism, and as such, enjoyed a splendorous Sex Life. Fish Strippers (Frippers) were oft summoned to the Great Anemone, where they engaged in aquatic oral play with Cucumber Joe. Cucumber Joe, when reaching completion, sent a fiery plume of magma up out of his head. This was due to him being situated above a volcano.
Goodbye Cucumber Joe
Cucumber Joe unfortunately passed away at the ripe old age of 20 in 17 AB, when the volcano underneath him which fed directly into his rectum exploded, tearing him open from the inside and killing him slowly. His body slowly inflated with superheated magma, growing larger and larger, until suddenly, he popped. This was the end of Cucumber Joe.