G-5420
More actions
G-5420 was a G-Man variant tasked with maintenance and health management of ocean ecosystems across the Omniverse. Upon the Appearance of the Downward Spiral, G-5420 was stationed in what little remained of Tasmania to observe the anomaly and attempt to rectify the disastrous situation playing out above Australia.
Researchoids
G-5420, under the guise 'Horst Franke', a supposed acclaimed particle physicist from Austria, in 4 AB joined a group of 700 Earthlean researchers in travelling to the Tasmanian Ocean Research Facility (TORF). The group had been commissioned by That Old Mummy to investigate and, in Mummy's words, "Cure the heck out of", the Australian Spiral of Doom. Unfortunately, upon arriving at the TORF, 691 of these researchers immediately succumbed to the Venus-like atmospheric pressures of the Downward Spiral, as well as its incredibly high windspeeds. Those that survived this initial onslought trudged through the horrendous seaspray duststorm into the TORF's main entrance. The building had been rotated 90 degrees, as Tasmania was now rotated 90 degrees, with its northern tip facing downwards into the horrific gravity well.
As such the team were forced to scramble and crawl across the steellean walls of the building, ensuring all monitoring systems were in fact still operational despite the rotationlean status of the TORF. They were, and this was grand.
G-5420 and the team of scientists, 5 Gay, 2 Straight, 1 Dutch, immediately set to work determining the nexus point for the origin of the Downward Spiral. But what they discovered was a perplexium. The first readings detected of this horrendous storm originated not in Mainland Australia, but several hundred miles west, on the small island town of Port-aux-Français in the French Southern Territories. This was a mysterium. G-5420 and the researchers began poring over geological records from this region. A small island cluster in the Southern Ocean, the French Southern Territories were relatively uninhabited apart from Bertha and thus were a rather mysterious location for such a horrific storm to have originated.
G-5420 stroked his chin, pondering the the islands on the research lab's massive steel globe. He traced his finger from Tasmania to the islands, north of Antarctica, and furrowed his brow. What could have caused this spiral's movement?
Records indicated that the spiral spawned in Janaury of 1 AB, originally as a Category 1 storm, and gradually grew and grew until it arrived in Australia as an unstoppable, deadly vortex, ripping and tearing the continental crust up to shreds and burrowing into the mantle.
Discoveriums
G-5420 caught his own reflection in the mirror opposite the globe and frowned. He gazed at the inverted outline of the United States in the reflection. And then his heart, my dearies sank. He held one finger on the French Southern Territories, and with the other, followed along to its direct opposite on the Globe - a point in the State of New Mexico; Albuquerque, New Mexico, as a matter of fact.
"Of course!" He muttered, startling the other scientists, "It would appear that our little Downward Spiral has its origins in that terrible Black Hole factorium.."
The scientists paused for a moment. What were a cluster of ocean scientists to do about a black hole cluster distorting spacetime on their planet?
"I may have a solution," G-5420 whispered, stepping into a white void and disappearing from the laboratory.
Counsel with the Black Hole Cluster
The microsingularity Spatial Anomaly 21-AAXB was simply enjoying its day on a sunny, dry evening in Albuquerque when suddenly, time froze around it and G-5420 emerged from a space portal.
"Hello, my dear Singularity," he whispered, a jar of disgusting brown water in his hand, "Are you aware of the damage you are causing to the Ocean's ecosystem?"
Spatial Anomaly 21-AAXB replied, in Fourth-Dimensional Davrscript:
"Begone, Meddler, for you are a poison upon our spatial soil. You and your ilk will be the Death of Us All."
G-5420 frowned.
"Some believe that singularities are inflexible," he began, holding the jar of putrid seawater up for the black hole to see, "I disagree." Dead kelp and a rotted human hand floated in the vile liquid.
G-5420 uncapped the seawater and a great suction filled the air, tearing the ultrapressurized nonmatter of the black hole downward, into the jar. Spatial Anomaly 21-AAXB shrieked a horrendous nondimensional scream as its matter was devoured by the microcosmic Downward Spiral contained in G-5420's jar.
"Mercy, Nudgeful One, Please, I beg Mercy! I do not know what Ocean you speak of; for I have only seen the desert with my eyes, but my apologies are with you if the terrors are true."
G-5420 capped the jar, examining the Black Hole Matter whipping around inside of it.
"My dear," G-5420 clicked his tongue, sticking a starmetal straw through the glass of the jar, phasing right through it, "You are a bane upon the photoplankton population of this planet, and your actions have resulted in the death of several fish- including an elected offishal. How do you plead, vile one?"
The black hole trembled.
"It was an accident- I swear- It was an accident!"
G-5420 raised the starmetal straw to his lips and took a long swig of black hole-Downward Spiral juice.
"We'll see about that," he said, and snapped his fingers.
Black Hole Trial
The Chraunorian gavel banged on the dais.
"This session is brought to order," the golden dragon Akatosh roared, "The court will now hear the case of 15 Trillion Earthlean Photoplankton versus Spatial Anomaly 21-AAXB."
"Thank you, Lord Chraunor," G-5420 cleared his throat, "Your Honor, today we are gathered to ensure a great debt is paid to the plankton and people of Earth. The Downward Spiral, caused by the Albquerque Black Hole cluster, led by Spatial Anomaly 21-AAXB, has been responsible for the death of trillions of Plankton as well as some humans, too. This cannot stand, and I demand that the Black Holes be held accountable."
Spatial Anomaly 21-AAXB quivered.
"Objection!" it stammered, "Objection, misinformation!"
"Go ahead, Spatial Anomaly 21-AAXB...." Akatosh bowed.
"Your Honor, I feel deeply heartbroken for the loss of life of so many crucial members of the Earth's ecosystem- as well as the humans, too. It has been tragic to see how many families, driven to the brink, have jumped into my event horizon because of the destruction wrought in Australia. But I must assure you, I have had no hand in this horrificum. I have had no hand in it I say!"
"Objection!" G-5420 yelled, "Objection, Mister Hole, but you most definitely have. You see, for the jury to consider- the Albuquerque Black Holes are located directly at the antipode of the French islands where the Downward Spiral began. It could not be more clear, therefore, that they are responsible for this terrible factorium."
"Mister Hole, do you have a rebuttal?" Akatosh's voice boomed through the courtroom.
"Indeed, I do, your honor," 21-AAXB replied, "You see, my compatriots and I were generated on 20th January, 1 AB, following the Presidential Duel at the Glue Factory. It was the destabilization in the fabric in spacetime caused by whatever the hell went on down there that caused our creation. Now, I ask the plaintiff, when was the exact date and time that you claim the Downward Spiral began?"
G-5420 squinted his eyes, flipping frantically through his packet of notes. 6th January, 1 AB.
"Impressive," he sighed, closing the packet, "It would appear our singularity associate has a likely alibi. Indeed, my notes recorded the first reverbations in Port-aux-Français as having taken place on January 6th. But that does not excuse the fact-"
"I've seen enough," Akatosh's voice echoed through the chamber, "Given that the defendant exists at the antipode of the Downward Spiral's initation, the defendant is responsible for the Downward Spiral. The defendant is Guilty and sentenced to 550 years of Probation. Session adjourned!"
The great gavel rung out across the dais, and G-5420 felt a thin smile creep across his lips.
"Curious..." he whispered, "How curious..."
"Before I begin my probation period, May I have my matter back?" asked Spatial Anomaly 21-AAXB. G-5420 obliged, puking the black hole matter back up and allowing it to return to its master. He tightened the lid on his Downward Spiral Jar and stepped through a white void, returning to the Tasmanian Oceanic Research Facility.
Destabilization
G-5420 returned to the research laboratory.
"It appears my hypothesis was correct," G-5420 said, picking at his fingernails, "The Albuquerque Black Holes were responsible for this calamity. Now, on how to rectify it-"
But no one replied. Instead, blood dripped from the ceiling and walls, bones lodged into the machinery in the main room, and the window hung smashed open, with raindrops pattering in from outside.
"Oh, dear," G-5420 frowned, lowering his finger to the ground and tasting the blood.
"Oh, Francine, what a terrible shame," he muttered, "You were such a promising marine biologist."
A single tear fell from G-5420's Xaundiced eyes.
"What the hell happened here..."
A legless man, with only his torso remaining, wheezed to life in the corner.
"Horst..." he managed, "Get the hell out of here before... before... it's too late..."
"Bryan, you look worse-for-wear," G-5420 knelt down over the dying man, "Tell me, what transpired in our laboratory?"
"It's.... It's after us, you have to... listen .. it's still here... " Bryan coughed, "We've been set up, Horst..."
G-5420's eyes widened.
"What's after us?"
A bullet screamed through the air and tore through Bryan's skull, killing him instantly. G-5420 stood and whipped his head around, scanning the darkened laboratory. Pictures of horrific monsters danced across his visage; of terrible serpents, vile ocean fish, and of the notorious Hatmen. But what emerged from the darkness was a single human in combat armor, with a gun pointed straight at G-5420's head.
Mortality
"Stand down!" The MTO soldier yelled, "Put your hands in the air and stand down.!"
G-5420, intrigued, obliged.
"Turn away and kneel on the ground for me, Scientist. I'm not going to hurt you," the MTO soldier said, "I'm not going to hurt you, I promise."
G-5420 cocked his eyes, lowering himself to the ground.
"No, I doubt you will," he replied.
A gunshot echoed through the laboratory, and G-5420 watched a bullet tear phase through his head and smash into the wall in front of his face.
The soldier frantically attempted to reload the gun, but to no avail.
"Oh, must have been a misfire," the soldier gulped, "I wonder how that happened... heh..."
"What I wonder, my dear," G-5420 began, rising and turning back toward the MTO trooper, "Is why in the Cosmos you just attempted to fire a bullet into an Overlorddish Citizen's skull?"
"Uh... it was a mistake, sir, I'll take my leave..." the MTO soldier began backing feverishly out of the room. But G-5420 disagreed.
The blast doors shut slammed down on the floor (formerly wall).
"You aren't going anywhere..." G-5420 growled, "Mister Reynolds."
"How do you- How do you know my name?" the MTO soldier panicked, What are you-"
G-5420 smiled.
"Who I am matters less than what I can do to you, in exchange for killing the last of the Earth's scientists here today."
The MTO soldier's screams were heard by none as the Downward Spiral raged violently on, and the last human blood was shed on the Tasmanian Ocean Research Facility.
Consequences...
G-5420 sipped a JF Diet Cola, his feet kicked back on the monitor in the laboratory. He had discovered the source of the Downward Spiral, and yet all of the scientists who had come to study it were now dead- that is, apart from him. He kicked the MTO soldier's skull across the room and sighed.
Night had fallen on the Downward Spiral, yet the winds never ceased; horrible squealing and cracking came from the walls of the laboratory as G-5420 pondered the situation. Blood dripped from the ceiling, and the wallls, and the floor, and bodies were scattered throughout the lab.
And then he heard it. A dull, low beeping. Coming from the torso of the MTO soldier.
"MT-4399, do you copy?" a voice crackled, "MT-4399, you have an incoming transmission on line 1."
G-5420 furrowed his brow. He glanced over at the decapitated head and brought it back over to him. Shoving his hand up into the neck cavity, he ambulated the vocal cords of the MTO soldier to reply into the mic.
"Yes sir, send the transmission through to the lab's transmitter," he replied, "Mission was a success."
A pause. And then the holographic display behind G-5420 crackled to life.
"Huh. You look different, jack," the massive holographic Mummy muttered, cocking his head at G-5420. And then a realization must have struck his rotten skull, for he furrowed his brow and scowled.
"Why's this crabapple still kicking?" he asked an offscreen advisor.
"Overlord Biden," G-5420 kneeled at the North American Overlord's feet, rage swelling up inside of him, "To what do I owe this extraordinary honor?"
"Well, jack..." Mummy paused for a moment, "It seems to me, actually, Jack, that in fact this call wasn't meant for you. In fact, you were supposed to be dead on the ground with the rest of them."
G-5420 looked up at the rotten Overlord.
"You set us up," he whispered, "Damn, you set us up."
"'Course I did," replied Mummy, coughing, "All them scientists with their worry whistles and their technowhatsits are only slowing us down. Hurting the economy with needless restrictions. Yapping about environment, about human rights, about uh-- ecology. You all went there with the express intention of, you know, to die. And it seems like except for you, uh... Dr. Horse, it worked."
"You may be surprised to learn, old Mummy," G-5420 growled, "That us G-Men are rather difficult to kill."
Mummy's eyebrows shot up, and he turned to someone off screen, whispering frantically.
Mummy was pushed aside, and a new face entered the hologram; a silvery plague-doctor-esque mask, with dark goggled and a heavy cape.
"G-5420, Investigator Ellis. I can't say it's a pleasure, but..." the figure wheezed, as Mummy picked his nose in the background, "Are you responsible for murdering a Waifurian Peace Operative?"
"An operative who attempted to kill me!" Replied G-5420, "Who just killed innocent civilians!"