Great META War 2
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The Second Great META War was an intergalactic conflict occurring from 20,010 AB to 20,030 AB. Spanning a mere twenty years, the war was one of the largest scale conflicts in Omniversal History. The Second Great META War encompassed two galaxies (The Milky Way and Andromeda Galaxies) and a distance of over 5 million lightyears. There were two major factions involved in this conflict; those being The Combine Empire and the Waifurian Empire.
Catalyst
The Great META War, which spanned from 200 BB to 1 BB, was one of the most deadly wars in Omniversal History. It had left a permanent scar on the people of Earth; something the Waifurian Empire was keen to never forget. Each July 4, on Empire Day, the sacrifices of the millions of Earthlings lost in this horrible invasion were honored, and citizens and soldiers alike swore an oath of allegiance to the Waifurian Imperial Throne. In the years following their narrow victory over the Combine Invasion Force, the Waifurian Empire had expanded into a galactic federation; they became a union not just for Earth or her solar system, but for the Milky Way in its entirety. By 20,000 AB, 9 Billion civilizations (roughly 95% of the Milky Way's citizens) were either under the jurisdiction, or aligned with, the Waifurian Empire.
The Waifurian Empire had an insatiable thirst for conquest- and their next goal was to expand outward from the Milky Way- into the Combine home galaxy, the Andromeda Galaxy. On January 20, 20,010 AB, exactly twenty-thousand years after the formation of the Waifurian Empire, The Emperor gave a speech in which he announced that the Waifurian Empire was finally ready to take its revenge for the desecration of Earth all those years ago. Below is the transcription of the speech.
"Folks, here's the deal. Twenty Thousand and two hundred years ago, our planet was attacked by space invaders- and for the next two hundred years, we were repeatedly subject to genocide, exploitation, and subjugation from these Combine overlords. Billions of people lost their lives during this terrible War. Today, we remember those lost in all of the terrible attacks of those two centuries- from the Europeans in the Spanish Inquisition, to the Asians in the Sickle Cell Campaign. We remember the Massacre At Ottawa, where the first lives were lost to these monsters- and we remember those soldiers who gave their lives protecting General Hernia at the Battle of Alexandria, where we won our decisive victory.
Folks, we expunged the Combine from the Earth in 1 BB, with- you know- the gigamagnet thing. But- come on man, they got away with it. They went back to their galaxy, to their Empire, and continued to do what they always do- steal, pillage, and destroy. Our calamitous reckoning was a drop in the bucket to the Combine Overlords. These are horrible, horrible creatures. To this day, they are conquering civilizations, looting planets, and murdering trillions. For too long, the Combine has been a plague upon this universe. For too long, the Combine has reaped what they did not sow! This ends now! The people of this galaxy will not stand for it! Folks, it is our duty to speak up for those who can not speak for themselves. We must be a voice to the voiceless. We must extend our hands to the fallen. This empire has protected the people of this galaxy for thousands of years. And now, fellow citizens, it is time for us to stand up for what is right- to fulfill our patriotic duty, and say enough is enough!
Today, I am authorizing a deployment of 40 million Waifurian Troops, Five Million Naval vessels, and Six Million Escort ships, to depart from Waifuria Prime before noon tomorrow. These ships will head directly to the Combine in the Andromeda Galaxy- directly to their homeworld- with many more to follow. We are going to destroy the Combine leadership, and we will lay to ruin their archaic, monstrous government. We will restore peace and justice to the Andromeda Galaxy. And we will avenge our fallen brethren. Folks, today is a date that will live in infamy- the Day the Combine began to fall- and I hope you will join me in celebrating this great leap forward. God Bless Waifuria, and God Bless our Troops. Thank you, and Good Night".
The Waifurian Invasion Fleet
Indeed, the next day, a massive fleet of star ships, so large it could be spotted from 2 light years away, left from Waifuria Prime, at the edge of the Milky Way, and raced towards the Andromeda Galaxy. Led by General Raxus Milluk, an esteemed veteran with centuries of experience, the fleet began traveling at uberlight speeds towards the Andromeda galaxy. Unfortunately, they found that even traveling at the fastest speeds possible, these ships would take millions of years to arrive in the Andromeda Galaxy. Raxus ordered a full halt of all military vessels, and convened with his command team about what their next course of action should be.
The command staff all had varying suggestions of what should be done. One commander suggested cryogenically freezing all of the 1.9 Billion Waifurian troops onboard their vessels. Another offered the idea of an invasion through Xen. Captain Gorrin E. Maldives suggested that instead of traveling to the Andromeda Galaxy- they bring the Andromeda Galaxy to them. When pressed on the issue, Maldives explained that he had heard tales of a mythological creature capable of shifting galaxies through spacetime.
Of course, most of the military officers laughed this suggestion off as nonsense, but Raxus asked Maldives to continue. Maldives detailed the whispers he'd heard in the towns of Garraxia, of a cultish people in the Ghetsin-Todd system who worshipped an all-powerful bean of some sort. The ancient War Hero and mythological musician, Rick Hernia, was also rumored to be living among this group.
This intrigued Raxus, and he ordered the deployment a small squadron of 10,000, under the leadership of Gorrin E. Maldives, to the Ghetsin system in search of the 'Hero of Waifuria'. The rest of the Waifurian Invasion Fleet remained stationary approximately 10 lightyears away from the Red Giant Star Betelgeuse. The light from this star would obscure their fleet from even the most high-powered Combine Intergalactic telescopes- or so they hoped...
The Emperor's New Groove
Meanwhile, in the Andromeda Galaxy, the Waifurian Invasion Fleet had not gone unnoticed by the Combine Empire. The Emperor's Chief Security Consultant, Arcus, had been alerted to the Waifurian maneuver from a double agent within the billions-strong Waifurian army. He immediately informed the Emperor's Majordomo and head of the Imperial Bureau of Security, G-4323, and a full blockade was erected in a Dyson Sphere around the C.O.C.K. within days.
Additionally, fifty Combine motherships were deployed the Rimworld of Ferinah, which laid at the outermost edge of the Combine's sphere of influence. The Emperor summoned his Advisors to his quarters, and the group conferred about how best to defend their Empire. Xos knew of the power the Waifurian Empire held; over the twenty-thousand years since their devastating loss to Donald J. Trump's Gigamagnet, the two galactic forces had engaged in the odd skirmish over territory; however, nothing could have prepared the Combine for an invasion force of this scale. The group deliberated about sending ships through their old portal in Mexico's City 9; however, it was determined that the Albuquerque Black Holes were at too close of a distance to safely allow spacecraft to pass through here. Ultimately, they decided their best offense would be a strong, ready defense- which stood alert and prepared for invasion at any moment.
Francis and the Warshippers
When Captain Maldives arrived on the surface of Ghetsin 3, he landed his ships a few miles away from the Temple of Rannjoe, having sensed large quantities of life-forms residing inside of this structure. However, as his troops began unboarding their ships, they were met with a delegation of Warshippers, brandishing Legumish Weapons.
The delegation was led by Supreme Warshipper Francis Merrigold, who inquired as to the group's intentions in being 'so near to our sacred One', as he put it. Captain Maldives explained to Francis the stories he had heard of the Legume's immense power, and that the Waifurian Empire needed a way to travel to another galaxy quickly and efficiently- or to bring it to them.
"The Legume is not to be used to make war. It is a tool of peace and justice. No... I can't help you, son", Francis had said, before turning away.
"But I know someone who can."
Francis and the Warshippers invited Gorrin and his bodyguards back to the Temple of Rannjoe, where Millings, the pathetic, despicable oaf of a janitor in the residence, was made to prepare a grand feast for the guests. The Waifurians and the Warshippers exchanged pleasantries for several minutes, before Francis stood up abruptly and said, "We Must Attend to our Sacred One. We will return in eleven hours. He should be with you shortly."
"He? Who's he?", asked a junior officer, Quincy Himbrox.
"Well, If the legends are true, Quincy... then we're about to meet Rick Hernia."
And sure enough, in through the door strode Rick Hernia himself, in a human incarnate. He smiled and greeted the group, and they exchanged pleasantries. Quincy Himbrox bowed to Rick Hernia, and began babbling on about how he was his role model- and Rick Hernia smiled and patted him on the shoulder, before turning to Captain Maldives.
"I know what you want, Captain. And I can do it. I'd happily join your ranks in the fight against the Combine Empire."
Maldives was startled by this, but Rick Hernia continued-
"Captain, I was drafted into the MTO at a young age- and I spent two centuries fighting these monsters. And although I lost my head- and nearly my life, too, I would gladly do it ten thousand times over to protect the people of Earth. Earth is a very, very special place. You know that, Captain?"
"Well, I mean, yes, sir-"
"Please, call me Rick. Richard. Marcus. Whatever you want. Earth is special because humans have something that no other species has- does anyone know what?"
The soldiers stood silent for a moment, and then young Quincy raised his hand.
"Souls, Mister Hernia, sir?"
Rick smiled. "Yes, Quincy, souls. Bequeathed upon them from the very beginning, from Prometheus and The Great MAGA King. Souls are what set humans apart from every other species in the Omni-I mean, universe. Sure, there are a few exceptions, myself- the gods, and my good friend Keith-", Rick now motioned to Keith Cumshoes, who was lounging back in the corner, smoking a blunt. Keith waved at them, and then looked back up at the ceiling.
Rick smiled once again. "So, in conclusion, yes, I'll help you fight against the Combine. And I suggest you ready your ships for the Galactic Upheaval; it happens quickly and you don't want to be in the wrong spot at the wrong time."
And so, Rick packed his things, and said his goodbyes to Keith, before departing with the Waifurian Delegation. The group boarded the command ship and quickly set off from Ghetsin 3, back towards the main fleet near Betelgeuse.
The Grand Galactic Upheaval
"Hey, that Sacred One thing they were talking about- on Ghetsin 3- that seemed pretty powerful, huh, Captain?", Asked Quincy in a whisper to Captain Maldives. Maldives nodded and shushed him, and the two directed their attention to the starboard command center, where they were watching Rick Hernia and General Raxus quietly discussing something.
Rick Hernia soon turned away from Raxus, and cleared his throat.
"Attention, brave soldiers. In approximately five minutes, the Andromeda Galaxy will be five lightyears away from the edge of the MIlky Way. I am going to perform a spiritual Legumish ritual to bring it here. You should be prepared for anything- and I do mean anything. Grab your weapons, man the starfighters, and ready the auxillary guns. Today is the day the Combine Empire dies!"
The crowd cheered in excitement, and then rushed out of the command room, taking their stations. Only Rick and Raxus remained.
"General, you may want to avert your eyes for this", Rick suggested politely.
Raxus replied smugly, "Oh, that's okay. I don't have any."
Rick Hernia chuckled and then closed his eyes, turning towards the massive glass starboard window of the SS Clinton. His feet left the ground, and he was soon levitating in the air, breathing deeply. Rick felt the Legumish, Magarrish, and Divine essences of the Omniverse flowing around him. With his omniscent mind, he grabbed onto a tendril of faint Legumish energy emenating from the Andromeda Galaxy, and began pulling. As he pulled, he imagined himself wrinkling the fabric of spacetime with his bare hands; folding and bending it intricately like a piece of astral origami. Rick felt the pressure tightening from the Legumish tendril, and began pulling harder, and harder, feeling the energy of his fallen brothers in arms coursing through him. Summoning all of his might, Rick took a deep breath, and then pulled- and the Andromeda Galaxy was half a million lightyears closer. Rick pulled a second time, a third time,- closer, but not close enough. Feeling his energy draining, and knowing the Legume's reserves were running dry from this feat, he pulled a fourth and final time- and exhaled, opening his eyes, to see the beauty of the Andromeda Galaxy staring back at him through the window; an intricate, stellar painting of the highest quality. Rick Hernia had moved a galaxy.
The Battle of Ferinah
The SS Clinton was almost immediately rocked by a massive blast, and General Raxus scurried towards the central command system.
"We've been hit. Place of origin, the second planet in the Feri system- Ferinah. Looks like they've got some kind of a massive superweapon. I want an orbital bombardment of their civilian centers- that'll shut them up. General Hernia- how would you like to command a fleet of starships?"
"It would be my honor, General."
Already, though, over five hundred thousand of the Waifurian ships had been lost to preemptive strikes.
General Raxus, wasting no time, devised a three-pronged plan of attack- first, they would tear through the Combine orbital defenses of Ferinah, before bombing and destroying civilian centers on the ground- and then, if the Combine Governor of Ferinah still hadn't surrendered- they'd take the fight to the surface. Rick Hernia would take a fleet of two hundred thousand around the far side of Ferinah- where they'd prepare for a ground invasion, as the main flank of the navy continued bombarding the near side.
Fi Dung
Captain Maldives and Quincy Himbrox were assigned to Rick Hernia, and they quickly departed the SS Clinton. Soon after they'd left, as Raxus was fiercely barking orders to his subordinates, the 'Open Transmission' sensor began beeping wildly. If Raxus had a heart, it would've sank. The Combine wanted to talk.
When the hologram of the Governor of Ferinah appeared on his screen, Raxus probably would've gagged, had he had a throat. Before him was a grotesque, slimy, disfigured alien creature, the likes of which he had never imagined.
"Greetings, Waifurian Lord. I am Fi Dung, Governor of these parts. We are willing to negotiate, and we would hate for any more Waifurian blood-" the creature presented an image of the Waifurian Emperor, before throwing it into one of his many mouths- "to be spilled on this day. What do you say, Lord?"
Raxus pretended to think it over, before turning to the digusting monster.
"I say... fuck off. We are going to obliterate you, and we are going to obliterate your planet, and there's nothing you can do to stop it."
"But, Lord, think of the children-"
A young intelligence officer quickly approached General Raxus. "We've traced his IP, General. He's in a command tower near the southwestern portion of the large structure. Shall I give the order?"
Raxus gave her a thumbs up, and then continued speaking with Fi Dung.
"So, Fi Dung- if we were to surrender now, what would the Combine do to us?"
"Do to you? Well, nothing, Lord. We want peace. We do not want war with Waifuria, Lord. The people of Ferinah are peaceful people. We-"
The transmission suddenly cut out, and a large explosion was heard over the speaker. Raxus watched the small blast appear on the planet's surface.
"Thank god, he was absolutely dreadful, wasn't he?", Raxus asked the intelligence officer. She smiled timidly and nodded, before pivoting and swiftly walking out of the room.
Raxus would have smiled to himself, had he had a face. He paused his internal chess game to focus on the conflict unfolding in front of him. "Now... let's let the games begin", he said, watching the orbital bombardment commence.
Ground Invasion
With the Governor out of the way, the Waifurians immediately lept at the opportunity to invade the surface of Ferinah, risking minimal casualties. Rick Hernia, Captain Maldives, and Quincy Himbrox descended on the Generator Facility at the end of the Combine Dynacoil, accompanied by five thousand Waifurian Soldiers, two hundred Oklahoma-Class Tanks, Six hundred Drone Starfighters, two hundred manned starcraft, and five Starcrawlers. The troops, upon landing, were met with heavy resistance, with Combine soldiers surrounding them and launching volleys of gunfire upon their hulls. Thankfully, the hulls were bulletproof, and the Waifurians returned fire, with great success. As the armymen rushed out to finish off the remaining enemy troops, Rick Hernia remained onboard the ship, while Captain Maldives and his legion, including Quincy, headed out into the gunfire.
"You know, this brand new metal on the hulls, it's impenetrable from normal weaponry", a junior officer told Rick, while readying his blaster.
"The only downside is it's really heavy- and very, very hypermagnetic."
Rick nodded absentmindedly, watching strider after strider fall at the hands of the Waifurian Empire. It was just like old times- but something felt... wrong.
Combine Refraction
High Lieutenant Arcus listened carefully as the data analyst read out the casualty report. Seven million, six hundred thousand and five dead Combine troops. The defenses on Ferinah had been too weak- far too weak. In just sixteen minutes, the invaders had decimated three entire cities and laid ruin to the Combine Dynacoil's main generator.
"Get me the Director", Arcus snarled at the machine, running his long, thin hands over his cold wet scalp.
After a moment, the holographic head of G-4323 appeared in front of Arcus, who kneeled accordingly.
"Director- we have suffered heavy losses at Ferinah. Fi Dung is dead. Our troops are in disarray." Arcus strained, staring down at the floor, unable to meet his superior's gaze.
"Well, that is rather... unfortunate. The Emperor will not be pleased."
"I understand, lord."
"And what of the coil?"
"It is badly damaged- yet salvagable-"
"Very, very dissapointing, High Lieutenant. The tasks laid before you were rather... simple, hmm? And yet you seem unable to protect a basic rimworld, a rock with a solar farm, from falling into the hands of our distant... enemies."
Arcus took a deep breath.
"Well, my lord- they aren't so distant anymore."
"Is that... so?"
"Yes. The entire galaxy seems to have somehow- teleported- to collide with ours."
"A galaxy teleported, Mister Arcus?"
"Yes, my lord."
There was a moment of silence, before G-4323 drew a long, audible deep breath.
"Well... we'll see about that. What has been done can be undone. The NCRI will begin drafting a solution. I fear that we may be messing with powers beyond our... comprehension, Arcus."
"I agree, sir. I recieved intelligence- from our anonymous source- that they have Hernia commanding this invasion."
G4323 was taken aback.
"This is surely... unforeseen."
"Director G- If I may- only one has ever been able to best Rick Hernia in combat."
The two shared a moment of mutual understanding.
"I will send them right away", G-4323 said, now looking down at Arcus. Arcus felt the Majordomo's gaze on the top of his head.
"Very well. Focus all available troops to Ferinah. We must put an end to this violent invasion. And... Lieutenant- no more loose ends... hmm?"
With that, the Majordomo's signal cut out, and Arcus stood abruptly. He wiped beads of sweat from his brow. He was on thin ice, and he knew it. Turning to his command unit, he exhaled with relief.
"Deploy Gunship Battalions X3, X4, and X7 to Ferinah. We won't need more than that- backup is already on the way."
Discovery at the Temple
Back on Ghetsin 3, at the Temple of Rannjoe, Keith Cumshoes was on his fourth smoke break of the day. He'd been employed as the 'Chief Aroma Expert' by Francis Merrigold, and was expected to mix new aphrodisiac incenses daily. However, today, Keith decided, the scent of the day would be Marijuana, for the forty-fifth time in a row. How exciting for the Warshippers!
Keith rolled over on the couch, scrolling his J.F. Social Media feed, mindlessly liking posts from people he hadn't seen in thousands of years.
"Keith. Where is Keith?", came a hideously annoying voice from around the corner. This shrill sound was like a raccoon carcass that was coated in sawblades and dragged across a piece of rotting plywood.
"What do you want, Millings?", Keith asked, ready to throw his phone at the pathetic fur golem when he rounded the corner. And sure enough, when the sad, sad creature hobbled by, Keith aimed for his head, and hit him squarely between the eyes.
"Oh, Keith, you drop your phone, Keith. Here, I give it back!", Millings reached down to grab the phone, but Keith swatted the disfigured claw away.
"I got it, Millings. What is it?"
Millings reached into his skin pocket and revealed a small, rectangular device.
"I found this majam. I was going to show Mister Francis- but it is Orgy Time- so-"
"What the fuck is a majam?", Keith asked, snatching the object from the pathetic claws of MIllings.
"Oh, Mister Keith, In Fur Golem Culture, A majam is something that-", Millings began, bouncing around excitedly, hoping to complete a sentence in a conversation for once.
"I don't care. Millings, this is- I think this is a Combine tracking device", Keith held it up to the light, and sure enough, he could make out the faint imprint of a Combine insignia beneath it.
"It doesn't look like a tractor, Keith."
"Yeah, shut up. Listen- where's Francis now? This is important."
"Oh- Mister Keith- I really wouldn't-"
"I don't give a shit who-or what- he's fucking. He needs to know about this", Keith interjected. He texted Rick Hernia, and then pocketed his phone, kicked Millings in the face, and rushed to the Warshipper Orgy room.
When Keith Cumshoes burst through the doors, he was greeted by a rather unseemly sight, as a Nihilanth lay sprawled out on the Legumish Bed, with Warshippers penetrating the many orifices across its body. Keith called out for Francis, climbing through the piles of writhing nude bodies to find the Supreme Warshipper. After several minutes of searching in vain, Keith gave up, and simply yelled out.
"Attention. If you could all stop fucking for just one moment, please. Just a moment of your time", Keith screamed over the incessant moaning and squirting noises filling the chamber. The bodies slowly stopped moving around, and hundreds of sweaty, wet heads turned to look at him.
"Keith. It smells wonderful. What is today's scent?", Francis asked, from some unknown corner of flesh.
"Today's scent is your own sweat and semen, you disgusting pigs. Look, the Combine tracked someone- probably the Waifurian Delegation. The janitor found a tracker. It stands to reason that if they know why the Waifurians were coming here... then they know what's here."
"Oh my Gods- oh my Gods- oh my GODS!", Francis shrieked, jumping out from beneath a pile of Warshippers.
"Code Green! Code Green, people! Prepare for war!", Francis screamed, materializing a robe around himself and conjuring a Legumish flame to his hand. The various nude Warshippers stood and followed suit, preparing for conflict. The moaned and whined about not getting to climax, and the hulking, oiled up Nihilanth on the bed seemed very, very dissapointed. Keith's phone began ringing. It was Rick.
A Terrible Reunion
"Keith, what is this about a tracker? And make it quick, I'm a bit- busy, at the moment", Rick said into his comm, as he feverishly programmed orders into the central command unit on his ship.
"Yeah- uh- Rick. We have a problem. Millings found a Combine Tracker under the dining table."
Rick stopped typing. His heart sank. "One of ours."
Keith sighed in agreement.
"Yep. Sounds like there's an impostor in your midst. That would be a problem in and of itself- but dude- Everyone who came in with that delegation- they all knew why they'd come to the Temple, right?"
Rick bit his lip.
"Fuck. Fuck! This is bad."
"Yeah. The Warshippers are preparing for all-out war. If those Combine fucks know what the Legume is, they'll no doubt want to harness its power. And that means going through us."
Rick opened his mouth to respond, but the line suddenly went dead. The entire bridge fell into complete darkness. Rick conjured a Legumish flame and peered outside of the window. The Waifurian encampments and Combine prisoners were all that he saw around him. Rick began running his hand along the dark control panels, feeling for an emergency power button. As the battle raged outside, Rick felt increasingly anxious to bring power back to the bridge; without the command node, the drone fighters would be stuck on autopilot, rendering them effectively useless. Loud footsteps began approaching the bridge, and Rick turned to face the door, unsheathing his Katana.
Suddenly, though, the footsteps stopped. Rick remained steady, closing his eyes and focusing on the Legumish forces around him. He sensed something... sinister. Something he hadn't sensed since-
The silhouette of General Grievous crashed through the door, brandishing four lightsabers. Rick was in total disbelief, but held his Katana steady.