Sixbahle Scholarship For the Blind Incident

The Sixbahle Scholarship For The Blind Incident was a mass-injury event which occurred in the courtyard of Sixbahle University at a timepoint which has since been decimated, but is theorized to have been between 30,053 AB and 30,132 AB.

Mass Injury Event

The incident began upon the college's preparation for the Graduation Ceremony. Dean of Students Rebecca Quimberly, while making preparations for the graduation ceremony, asked business tycoon R. R. R. R. to give a speech at commencement. R. R. R. R. was unable, or unwilling, to perform this ask, however failed to notify Rebecca of this; unfortunately for Rebecca, she didn't find out until the day before graduation that R. R. R. R. would be unable to attend.

In a panic, Rebecca dialed the office of the Rotter, and asked politely that The Mummy come to speak at commencement in R.R.R.R's place. Given the Mummy's vacant schedule, this was optimal; however, given his vacant mind, this was a questionable decision on Rebecca's part.

Mummy arrived in the dark of night at Sixbahle Hall, and was puppeteered to the dressing room where he would wait in stasis for twelve hours until the ceremony. An earpiece was to be placed in his head, and this earpiece would feed him the speech he was to perform. Mummy allegedly agreed to this.

The Speech

Rebecca Quimberly prepared for commencement in a nearby viewing booth, with the Mummy's script in hand. She would speak the words unto the Mummy's feeble ears. The Mummy came out onto the stage, cloaked in emerald green robes and shaking hands with invisible people. Mummy approached the microphone and delicately plucked it from its stand.

It should be noted at this point that due to incredible age and an immense Glue/Earwax buildup in his ear canals, Mummy was effectively deaf. Uh Oh, Rebecca.

REBECCA: Hi, everybody! It's my sincere pleasure to be speaking to you all today.

MUMMY: HI, Everybody! It's a veneer, pleasure, to be steeping tea here.

REBECCA: When this university was founded, many moons ago...

MUMMY: When this university was found, last June...

REBECCA: it was created with one, single, endowable goal in mind...

MUMMY: It was-- uh, When? Jack, look, I can't hear you, jack.

REBECCA:My name's not Jack, Mr. Emperor. Please, may I continue?

MUMMY: yeah, go right ahead, fuckface.

[Crowd boos, audible gasps]

MUMMY: What's the matter, fat? Don't like cuss words do you? Look, when I was a little boy--

REBECCA: Mr. Emperor! Please, pay attention--

MUMMY: Turn off those lights! They're too bright, turn them off!

REBECCA:It is my honor to present today a cause close to my heart; the Sixbahle Scholarship for the Mind--

MUMMY: There's a woman in my eardrum. A little tiny woman. Like a little bug. A little itty bitty little itty butterfly. Like a caterpillar. Like a cat. Look, jack. Anyways, uh, the Sixbahle is ready to admit-- excuse me-- admit to thousands of years of insurance fraud.

REBECCA: What!!?!?!?

MUMMY: Yeah, folks, it's true. They haven't paid taxes since 60 AB. I say, let karma come around!

REBECCA: Okay, John. Get him off. Get him off! Now!

MUMMY: Down with the patriarchy! Folks, down with the government! Down with the Mummy! Let justice be done, though the heavens--- uh, you know the thing. Anyways, Sixbahle scholarship for the Blind.

REBECCA: The Mind! It's-- John!

JOHN: Uh, Rebecca...

REBECCA: Yeah?

JOHN: The stage crew is all...

REBECCA: What?

JOHN: All dead. They're dead.

MUMMY: The Scholarship for the Blind! Folks, raise your hands! Who wants to have the scholarship for the blind.

[Crowd gasps, raises their hands.]

MUMMY: Good, you, in the front row. Here you go, jack.

The man's eyes instantly vaporize out of his head and he's left screaming in a ball on the floor.

MUMMY: Oh, quit whining. Have some chocolate chocolate chip.

REBECCA: Holy fuck! Holy fuck! What the shit!

MUMMY: Folks, it's a Waifurian Promise that I shall endow each and every one of you with the Scholarship for The Blind! I'll give you a few dollars, too, it's a great deal!

REBECCA: What do we do?

JOHN: Uh, I don't know. If we do anything we're toast.

REBECCA: Right.

MUMMY raises his hands to the sky and shrieks, a blast of dark electricity echoing through the courtyard and flittering down to the eye sockets of the entire Sixbahle student body. They are all instantly blinded and become a writhing mass of screaming bodies.