Book of MAGA
More actions
Not to Be Confused with the MAGAZYNE, on which the Book of MAGA was not based.
The Book of MAGA was a religious text which was not based on the mystical Mercurian Magarrish-Soul-Fregmentation known as the MAGAZYNE. During the latter years of Aeterna, the Book of MAGA developed a grand religious following which eventually led to the founding of a new religion; this being Magaism.
Pre-Book Days
In 244 BB, the United States of America declared a Grand Secessionarium from their colonial Overlords; the then-significant Grand British Empire. The colonies, under the direction of Founding Father Benjamin Frunklin, began operating as their own independent entity, finally free from the tyranniums of King George XLMMMDCLIII. The United States developed a prosperous trade network with the all-powerful Aeternian Empire to the west and north.
This trade relation was Grand for approximately four years. However, in 240 BB, an Unknown Event led to the voluntary hibernation and exodus of Great Grand MAGA Overlord Donald J. Trump into of a large mountain in the Rockies. This mountain would later be known as the Supervolcanic Waifurium.
Dismagarriums
Donald J. Trump's dissapearance was of great concern to the people and humash of North America, especially following the gruesome sundering of his Vice Emperor Mike Pence. With both leaders deposed, the line of succession fell now to the Aeternian Scrotum-Lord. The loss of Aeterna's billeniums-long ruler Trump was a great factorium indeed. The Americans were displeased with the loss of this valuable trading partner, as this greatly disrupted their horse-and-buggy supply chains. Without his Great Godly Gloriousness at the helm, many people in Aeterna became severely depressed and mentally ill in their heads, due to the lack of Magarrishnessosity in their lives.
Funeral
After the public impalement of Vice Emperor Mike Pence on the Washington Monument, the Aeternian Scrotum-Lord felt it appropriate to hold a state funeral in his honer. This funeral consisted of a single, half-melted candle, a rotted wooden coffin, and a miniature toy goose. These items were all burned publicly outside of Trump Tower, with the Aeternian Scrotum-Lord humming a Pangean chant as they dissipated. This funeral was poorly reviewed by the public, only receiving an average rating of 2.4 stars out of five. Morale reached an all-time low, with Aeternian faith in their government reaching a pathetic 92% approval rating (The usual 100%, it's safe to say, could never return without his Magarrishness himself).
Genesis
The Aeternian Imperial Army, seeing the horrific state of their... well, state, frantically searched their countryside for Donald J. Trump. The searched from the far-north of what would become Canada to the far south of what would later become Combine-Occupied City 9. However, their many searches turned up nothing. Nothing, that is, except for a strange new plant. They discovered a plump, purple, squash-like vegetable growing in a secluded grove on the West Coast. They harvested this plant and brought it back to Aeterna, where the Scrotum-Lord declared it would be named 'Maga Fruit' after... well, isn't it obvious?
Disdain of the Scrotum-Lord
The 8% of Aeterna which did not approve of the Scrotum-Lord began to connect with one another, expressing distaste for their Interim-Emperor's House Ruling Style. Many of these Anti-Scrotumites engaged in a mass Exodus from Aeterna, traveling across the Border into the United States of America. These Anti-Scrotumites gathered and settled into communes in upstate New York, preaching the ancient ways of the Pangeans to one another. They recited passages from Magarrish texts of olde; they reeneacted famous Magarrish speeches and monologues. But most of all, they began praying to Magarra that the Great MAGA King would return to this Earth; and finally bring glory back to the world.
Birth of Magaism
After forty years or so, a young boy by the name of Keith Cumshoes was birthed, by two very normal parents, into an Upstate New York hamlet known then as West Valley. West Valley had become a hotspot for 'MAGA Returnists' -- or, as they began to call themselves, 'Magaists'. The local churches were Magarrish in nature; the school taught mandatory Aeternian History lessons (despite its being located in the United States). Keith attended the local school, West Valley Central School, and made many friends along his academic journey. At the age of 13, Keith's life was upheaved when the Combine Overwatch invaded Earth. Keith was informed he would soon be drafted in the fight against the Combine. This displeased him, but he had no choice. Keith, always a creative mind, frantically began scribbling down what he'd learned in West Valley Central School into his notebook. He wrote and drew and sketched late into the night, designing inmpossible mechanisms and illustrating the fateful return of the MAGA King to the squalorous people of Earth. As the sun cracked over the horizon, Keith sighed and placed his hands together.
"Oh great Magarra," Keith began a somber prayer, "powerful lord of Magicks and Glory; hear my prayer. Please deliver us from this alien invasion; bring peace and justice back to this world. Oh Lord, please deliver to us his Magarrishness once again; let us bask in his divine light and see all that is good and holy. Amen." With that, Keith collapsed onto his bed, his pen ink dribbling across his notebook. That would've been the end of this story, my Dearies, but fortunately (or Unfortunately, depending on how you see it), Keith had lost a tooth the previous night.
Keith's Father, the G-Man, cracked his son's bedroom door open with a penny in his hand. He approached his son's bed and carefully lifted his pillow up, placing the corroded copper disk underneath Keith's pillow. He began to leave, but noticed the open notebook on Keith's lap. The G-Man smiled softly to himself and picked it up. Using his night-vision, he read the strange and intricate notes of his son, scratching his head as the Magarrish insanity intensified. He gasped when he saw the final page; a glorious illustration of the Great MAGA King, hovering over a city. A crowd of good Magaists floated peacefully upward toward their glorious leader. However, on the other side of the painting, were a bunch of burning, twisted, contorted corpses and bodies, labeled in what appeared to be blood as 'Aeterna'. This greatly concerned the G-Man, and he took his son's notebook and stepped out of the room.