Alaskan Cod Coupon Fraud
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The Alaskan Cod Coupon Fraud was a massive plot based in Anchorage, Alaska, by prominent Mob boss Vincent ‘Walrus Cock’ Italy and his mother Moira. They mass-produced coupons for locally caught wild cod, all part of a grand scheme with malicious, seditious intentions.
Canadian Alaska
Alaska was one of the forty-eight Great American states for roughly seventy years, until the time of the North American Overlorddom, when it was transferred to jurisdiction of the Nation of Canada (under the control of the Overlorddom).
Economic Troublarium
Alaska’s economy had always thrived on two things- seafood, and oil. After the oil reserves were completely drained by J.F. Sweets Enterprises in 9 AB, the Alaskan economy started feeling a serious crunch.
Alaska’s oil reserves had been one of the last remaining sources of fossil fuels on Earth; after they were dried up, the entire global economy began entering a downward spiral of exponential collapse.
The Jumpings
The first sign of economic decline was the Jumpings, in which numerous hedge fund investors and executives at large oil companies all jumped out of Trump Tower (then renamed America Tower) simultaneously. This was quite a nasty piece of work for the Overlorddic Janitorium, who went on strike for several days before reluctantly cleaning up the hideously disfigured and mutilated bodies which had fallen, in some cases, for over six miles.
Economic Collapsiums
On February 10, 9 AB, the global economy finally collapsed. After several hundred years of almost constant worldwide war, this had been bound to happen eventually. The North American Overlorddom attempted to bolster their economy by selling Texas to the Panafrican Republic; however, the republic was uninterested in a “shithole country like that”.
Australian Successiums
And so, the entire global economy was in the shitter. For a time, Australia had the best economy on Earth, despite having been engulfed in a massive anomalous windstorm for roughly eight years and having zero living inhabitants.
Don’t Mess with Texasium
The willingness of the Haggard Brainlet’s cabinet to just ‘sell’ Texas didn’t sit well with then Governor of Texas, Whitby H. McClucksly.
On February 28, 9 AB, Whitby declared that he would be seceding from the Overlorddom. This announcement engulfed Texas in a long string of riots and infighting. Ultimately, Whitby was hanged on the state senate floor by Senator Tederick A. Cruz, who lasso’d the Governor by the neck and flung him up onto a chandelier, where he would die.
Bigger Fish
Tederick A. Cruz, a self-professed fish fan, grabbed the Gubernational Pendant from the limp body of Whitby and declared that Texas would be “forever loyal” to the North American Overlorddom.
Cruz then added that his support would only waver in one condition; that being that the Overlorddom transferred, for some unknown reason into a Galactic Empire. If that were to happen, Cruz vowed to go down fighting against the “Unamerican Tyranny”.
Ted also explained that he would be building massive fish farms in the emptied Texan oil reserves, a revolutionarily stupid idea which went unquestioned by the majority of the Texan populous (Great Mysteries as to Why).
Cod Oil Tank Theorem
Several thousand cod were deposited into the oil reserves; however, Mindless Ted had forgotten to put water into the caverns; as such, the cod all died.
They tried again, after adding water, and miraculously, almost 6% the fish survived. Texas began building a thriving seafood industry, which helped to bring the Overlorddom back up from economic rock bottom.
This soon became the Overlorddom’s primary source of revenue, and almost all of the Texan oil reserves were transformed into Fish farms.
Bidenium
Things went swimmingly for several months, until North American Overlord Joe Biden suddenly and violently organized a coup against his own government (which had also gained power by a coup; Joe had been elected United States President and then organized a Coup against his own Government in order to form the Overlorddom).
This time, Mummyrot declared that the North American Overlorddom would become the first Waifurian Galactic Empire in his Coronation Speech.
Texan Revolution
Ted Cruz was displeased by this, but, he was a man of his word. Glumly, Ted released a public statement declaring war on the Waifurian Empire.
Well, luckily for Ted, his war wouldn’t last long, as Texas was absolutely obliterated by a Giganuclear warhead several days after declaring war. This was later described by the Office of the Emperor as having been an “honest mistake”, although the menacing text messages telling Cruz to “Suck a Coat, Jack” told a different story.
Blunderous Press Conference
Regardless, this genocidal “Honest Mistake” which had killed roughly 49 million people, had destroyed the primary source of income for Joe Biden’s new Empire; the Oil fisheries. Mummy bizarrely released a statement condemning the destruction of the fisheries (which he alone had been responsible for) and demanding “Justice for Texas”, launching an investigation into the ‘Murderous Mad Dog’ who had launched the Nuke.
This Investigation came to a close several hours after Biden’s press conference where he announced it. Great mysteries as to why.
The Emperor did not release a public statement about the millions of lives lost in the Bombing of Texas.
The Alaskan Mob
Vincent Italy, then an employee of the Texan Fisheries (who had been on vacation during the bombing) was incredibly upset to learn all of his coworkers had been slaughtered by The Mummy’s Nuclear Warhead.
Vincent, who had been on vacation with his family in California, left quietly in the night to return home to Anchorage, where his mother ran the Alaskan Mob.
A Mother’s Wrath
Vincent’s Mob Mom had been a vitriolic Trump Supporter, G-Anon Theorist, and Survivor of Dark MAGA. She hated the Mummy more than anyone else, and, upon hearing of his Blunderous nuclear deed, vowed revenge against him. her rage was exponentially increased tenfold when she heard of her Son’s coworkers and friends all dying in the blast.
Economic Recovery
While Vincent and his mom plotted their revenge, the Waifurian Economy ballooned back to normal. Despite the loss of Texas, the forty-seven other states were riding high on the profits of war (of which Biden had started roughly seven, all with extra planetary civilizations). The economy settled into a relatively fish-less system, where they overcharged for Cod substitutes and salmon. With no competition, the Waifurian Government has developed a monopoly on fish and fish substitutes.
A Grand Plot
Vincent and His Mother had orchestrated a plot designed to cripple the Waifurian Government, and topple the dictatorship.
They began filling the many empty oil reserves of Alaska with cod, and began building a monstrous stockpile of the fish. Vincent began leaking them onto the market- and the rare cod sold for monstrous sums of thousands of dollars.
The economy began to benefit from this- rare, valuable goods were never a bad thing.
Eventually, Vincent began selling wholesale to local supermarkets, slowly filling the market with cod. After roughly fifty were sold, he began making them even scarcer, driving the price up on Cod.
The food seller trickery went even further, with Vincent disguising himself as a health inspector at a Walmart. He snuck into the printer room and stole several thousand Walmart Coupon templates, as well as the printer.
In 15 AB, five years after this scheme had begun, the standard asking price for cod was roughly 100,000 USD. Vincent had managed to keep the influx of cod relatively stable for several years. But D-Day was coming.
Alaskan Cod
Vincent had arranged with local Walmart managers to store hundreds of thousands of fish in their freezer rooms- all to be kept tightly secret. In the months leading up to March 17th, They began selling more and more fish- bolstering the economy and lining the pockets of top Walmart executives.
Coupon Fraud
Over this time, Vincent’s Mom, Moira, had created roughly 200,000 ‘99% off’ Walmart coupons for cod. She had begun hiring a web of underworld drug dealers to distribute the coupons- with the order of only doing so on March 16th, 15 AB- and they all needed to be given out by midnight on that day.
D-Day
On March 17th, 15 AB, without warning, buyers began entering their local Walmarts with 99.99% off cod coupons. The Walmarts began selling the fish at this heavily discounted rate. Over fifty thousand fish were sold in the first twelve hours of March 17th.
Walmart executives, expecting to have gotten their pockets lined with money, instead found themselves jumping out of buildings when they saw the profits for the day- roughly $237.32 nationwide. (As opposed to the expected $59 million)
This was not good for the Waifurian Economy, which unprecedentedly collapsed that afternoon. With the economy in tatters, Joe Biden took to the podium to heroically declare, “I don’t know what the fuck happened, Jack- look- our fish- it’s in the gutter.”
Joe Biden, defying logic, found that the most intelligent solution to this problem would be simply banning cod in the Waifurian Empire. He was incredibly embarrassed that his economy had collapsed so suddenly, and sulked about it for two hundred years.
Seeing the Emperor’s downtrodden demeanor, Vincent and Moira celebrated by cracking open a beer and kicking their feet up, enjoying a peaceful night in as the economy burned. They were never caught, and this event went down in history as being a simple side effect of ‘unpredictable fish markets’.