Albuquerque Black Hole Cluster

Albuquerque Black Hole Cluster

The Albuquerque Black Holes are a tourist attraction which is listed on the United States’ Do Not Fly and Terrorist Watchlists. They are also an APD ‘person of interest’. They are located in Albuquerque, New Mexico. They were formed following the events of the Glue Factory Incident. Approximately three dozen black holes, ranging in size from a golf ball to a large sedan, are spread across an area approximately four kilometers long and four miles wide. Interestingly, the ground and structures are not affected by these black holes; in fact, the only life forms which even seem to be affected by them are Humans. Since the Glue Factory Incident, the CDC (Center for Damnation Control) has recommended that people remain at least 20 to 30 thousand yards away from the area. Despite this, it has become a popular tourist attraction for beings across the galaxy. As of this writing, approximately 340 billion humans have fallen victim to the black holes.

The Black Holes have also severely damaged the stability of reality in the greater Albuquerque area, and objects regularly appear above the city and hover there for numerous hours, weeks, or days, before either vanishing or crashing violently to the ground.

Self-Euthanization Controversy

In addition to being a tourist attraction, they also operate as a popular self-euthanization facility. The site became especially popular in 197 A.B., after Watergate. Albuquerque Black Holes’ representative, Michelle Strauss, declined to comment on this. However, she has often distributed a “What to expect from your Black Hole Immolation” how-to pamphlet. It includes depictions of spaghettification, atomic annihilation, and, perhaps most disturbingly, the promise of heavenly ascension to the so-called “Bloodless Realm”.

Under North America Legal Code 4455, established by the Board of Waifuria and binding law in the United States, Ohio, and Jacksonville Florida, self-euthanization by black hole is a hallowed and serious process which is not a recommended way to die, but is in fact legal. Despite this, most sane individuals (who accounted for approximately 2% of the North American population) think that self-immolation by black hole is not something that should be even considered legally, according to a census poll.

Ice Cream Merchandising

The popular “ice cream company” and human rights violation manufacturer, J.F. Sweets, struck up a brand deal with the black holes in 101 A.B., despite there being no clear census on the sentience of the black holes. Below is a transcript of the conversation between J.F. Sweets representative Michael Greensburg and Spatial Anomaly 21-AAXB (the largest of the black holes). A keyboard was provided to the black hole.

GREENSBURG: We would like to do a brand deal with you.

Spatial Anomaly 21-AAXB: AAAA GGGG ATCG GAGA 11111111111

GREENSBURG: The brand deal will include Black Hole themed push-pops, popsicles, and ice cream flavors.

Spatial Anomaly 21-AAXB: ###@DOADOADOADOAHE HEAT DEATH 201

GREENSBURG: Sir, all that I need from you is your consent. A simple yes or no will suffice.

Spatial Anomaly 21-AAXB: HUMANKIND 1120 WILL 3201 BURN 01I4N2S0H1A0L4L3A 3301

GREENSBURG: Great! We’ll get started right away.

How Greensburg interpreted that as a ‘yes’ is unclear. Nevertheless, a wide variety of Black Hole-themed ice cream became available in the Local Supercluster within the next few years. The flavor has been described as “painless” and “slow” in reviews online.

Spatial Anomaly 21-AAXB VS The Albuquerque Police Department

The conversation between Greensburg and Spatial Anomaly 21-AAXB was of moderate concern to APD, since the Black Hole had seemingly threatened the survival of the human race, so it was ticketed for a Domestic Terrorism Threat for a total of 200 USD. When 21-AAXB failed to pay the ticket, a bench warrant was issued for it. The police were unable to bring 21-AAXB in for questioning, due to the fact “it is a black hole”, to quote one officer. In an official statement, the APD, citing it’s ‘rigorous dedication to justice’, decided that a remote trial would be executed using Zoom’s online meeting feature. When 21-AAXB still declined to attend, a squad of police officers were sent to the area, upon which they were immediately spaghettified. Currently, 21-AAXB has racked up over four dozen charges, including contempt of court, malice, assault, intentional spaghettification, and thirty-seven parking violations.