Dunestorm Myth
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The Hegemon
The year was 20,001 AB. Deep into the glory years of the High Waifurian Empire, the Mummy's vile fingers tainted all corners of the galaxy. From the most desolate rocks to the most advanced civilizations, the Waifurian Empire reigned supreme- their authority was unquestionable. Fleets of Greenspill-powered Gigafrigates patrolled terrestrial orbits from star to shining star, and the Waifurian Dollar had become a universally adopted currency- although, in many cases, was adopted through force- as entire systems bent their knees to Mummy and his rotten Waifurian Astronomical Trade Organization (WATO) Council of allied (Satellite) states.
The MTO, once a liberation force renowned around the Milky Way for their incredible victory against the Combine during the Great META War, had become imperialist drones of the Waifurian Imperial Authority, obeying any and all direct orders from their superiors, no matter how unethical, no matter how gruesome. Spiritual, lyrical war hero and musician Rick Hernia had long since become disillusioned with the Waifurian Empire's bloody campaign of conquest across the galaxy, and had been in a self-exile for the better part of 700 years, ever since the unfortunately-fated Obliteration of Wan'arra, which he personally oversaw. In Rick's stead, five-minded synthetic military genius, Raxus Milluk, had taken the reigns as General of the Waifurian Imperial Army. And things had gone swimmingly, for the most part. Raxus had continued Rick's campaign of 'civilizing' foreign planets, bringing them all under the Waifurian Crown-- and even found the time to play mobile games on his phone whilst bombarding and slaughtering belligerents.
Keith Cumshoes Life Update
Keith Cumshoes, Rick Hernia's Co-Producer and second-in-command, had recently retired to a life of blunt-rolling and sex-having in the Temple of Rannjoe on Ghetsin 3. After his demotion following his role in the Obliteration of Wan'arra, Keith had served as Mummy's Personal Royal Grandiose Imperial Disc Jockey for several centuries, but eventually grew tired of remixing 'Ring Around the Rosie' for eight hours a day, five days a week.
Keith, then, travelled to Ghetsin 3 to smoke pot with Francis Merrigold and Millings, doing his best to be sober for as few hours as physically possible, and complaining of 'Legume Headaches' which only intensified during the Warshippers' scheduled time with the Legume (Unrequested). Keith's connection to the Legume, despite his proximity to the sacred artifact, only weakened during this time. One day, Keith was growing particularly frustrated with his inability to roll a blunt with Legumish Particulums, when a metallic knock exploded against the door. Millings, that rotten thing, scampered away, and Keith stood, rubbing his eyes, brandishing his starmetal katana.
Keith opened the door, and found something Truly Rotten Indeed; a hologram of Waifurian Emperor Joseph Robinette Biden, grinning vapidly with an ice cream cone in his hand.
"You got a second, Jack?" Mummy asked, and Keith rolled his eyes.
"Of course, your imperiousness," he said, beckoning the hologram inside. It scampered in, projected from a disc-shaped floor mount, and Mummy's image stood in the Temple of Rannjoe's foyer, observing his surroundings.
"You know what today is, big guy, Kevin?" Mummy asked. Keith frowned, shaking his head.
"It's the first of the year, folk. The first of the year of our Lord 20,001 AB. Which means-- you know what it means?"
Keith clenched his fist, images of the Glue Factory Incident boiling up inside of his skull.
"It means it's my--" Mummy looked off-camera, furrowing his brow, and then looked down again at his fingers, drooling. He counted them- for an exceedingly long time- before his rotten head shot back up and he flashed a denture-grin at Keith Cumshoes.
"It's my 20,000th year ruling, jack. And look, son, we've got a little celebration- a thing, if you will, on Earth. I want you to come back. Come back and DJ. Play that one song... Ring around the Roses. Or whatever."
Keith scratched his head.
"Yeah, I'll have to pass."
Mummy frowned.
"Now, look here, fat. You don't get to pass."
"Yeah, I do," Keith replied, flipping the bird at Mummy. This brought a sorrowful tear to Mummy's eye.
"No," Mummy said, simply, and the hologram dissipated. The door exploded down and two Superpredators entered, wielding starplasma tridents, and grabbed Keith by each of his arms.
"You will return for the Anniversary," they said in unision. Keith sighed, putting his katana in his sheath.
"I suppose I will," he said, glumly.
Mummy's Rotten Celebration
Mummy was in for quite a treat. His Advisors, along with Raxus Milluk, orchestrated a grand "20,00 years of Biden" Anniversary celebration. "Here's to 20,000 more!", read one banner, which would prove unfortunately prophetical. Robed in his ancient, illustrious Coronation Robes, Mummy presented a rotten speech, which put 90% of the audience to sleep because of how rotten it was. The Joseph R. Biden Imperial Anniversary Celebration was held in Albuquerque New Mexico. A reenactment of the Glue Factory Incident was performed at the Kamala Harris Memorial Theatre in downtown Albuquerque, in which an actor playing Donald J. Trump dove headfirst into a Glue Vat, actually committing suicide, which was somewhat of an 'artisitic interpretation' of the truth. (this was a gross misrepresentation of the Glue Factory Incident).
Keith Cumshoes, needless to say, was rather revolted at the whole performance, and elected to sit that one out, taking a seat on a nearby sand dune and peering out at the Albuquerque Sunset. And good for him that he was nowhere near that theatre, because his father, The G-Man, had chosen to portray himself in the play, and seriously injured the actor playing Keith with a butterball turkey, shutting the whole performance down.
One Last Mission
As the dusty Albuquerque wind, rife with couch particulums and Chairzoggish Lumenquarks, rolled over the Sandy dunes on the cities exterior, Keith Cumshoes closed his eyes, meditating. It wasn't long before he heard the clanking of metal armor behind him; and the popping of artificial candies on a mobile phone. Raxus Milluk held a gold-wrapped joint out to Keith, his armor shimmering in the evening sky.
“Gonna be a hot one tomorrow,” Raxus commented, lighting the blunt. Keith nodded, eyes shut, breathing deeply.
“Raxus."
The General passed the roll to Keith.
“From Fargo's collection,” said Raxus. Keith nodded and puffed a cloud of smoke into the smoldering morning air.
"What is it?"
"Cannabis Bilbius."
"I can tell."
A silence fell between the two heroes; the sun dipped below the horizon.
"I'm not here to DJ, am I, Raxus?" Keith sighed, turning to the General. Raxus made no movement, his visor emotionless.
"We need you, Commander," Raxus said, taking the blunt from Keith. He held it to his visor, and smoke steamed out of the chinks in his armor. "The Empire is in grave danger."
Keith stood up, wiping the sand from his trousers.
"Just take me to the situation room already," he grumbled.
Raxus hailed the Joe Biden Removal Device, which expeditiously arrived, albeit without the Rotter Himself (who was busy eating Tofu Ice Cream upside down in his throne). The miniscule machine ducked and weaved between street vendors and anomolous objects, such as a massive golden foot sticking out of the ruins of Southwestern Dental, and a diamond-encrusted asteroid in the middle of City Park. The Joe Biden Removal Device reached a high speed and lept off of the road and onto the side of a skyscraper, tearing upward across the glass, into the hazy cloud cover above. It shot up over the tower's peak and revealed a hulking, gold-plated blimp- the Grand Zeppelin in fact, which Mummy had converted into a mobile base-of-operations.
“I’d better get down there,” Rick sighed, kicking on his rocket boots, “time to go be the Empire’s hero.”
Keith grinned. “You always are, my friend.”
Rick Hernia revealed a Bluetooth speaker; he cranked up “B@$EDG0D” and shot off into the sky. Keith relaxed; closing his eyes once again, feeling the dust swirl around him. He tried to feel the Legume flowing through him; to feel the Energies of the Omniverse as they floated through his bones.
He felt particles from all manner of reality shooting through him; so small, infitisimally small, that they weren’t even visible to the finest Garraxian Eye. However, Keith could feel them- as Rick had taught him to- and allowed their entry through his skin, becoming one with the Omniverse.
And then the voice started.
“Keith…” a ghostly, silky voice, from some unidentifiable distance. Keith shot up; eyes still closed, focusing, concentrating.
“Keith.
“Keith…”
Keith’s eyes exploded open.
“Mother…?”” He exclaimed, in disbelief. How could it be?
Rick Hernia Celebration Technique
Rick Hernia stood atop a gilded waifurian float, drawn by armor-plated elephants and cyber horses. He waved to adoring masses of the populous, a heavy sinking feeling sliding down his throat. He’d been pulled out of hiding on GHETSIN 3 for a hefty sum—- just to be paraded around like some kind of living statue.