Hazzorius Blume

Blume.

Hazzorius Blume was a grandiose figure. A human skeleton salesman, he faced much controversy due to his unseemly profession; however, he repeatedly assured critics that his skeletons were "ethically sourced", whatever that meant.

Beginning of Business

Born in 76 BB, Hazzorius entered this world on the same exact day, at the same exact time, at the same exact second as the Ohio Greenspill Quandry. Coincidence?

Hazzorius never knew a world without the Great META War raging across the eastern front of his state. Raised by his crippled veteran father, Hazzorius was raised to love his family and friends, and to despise everyone else. At age 15, he started his first job working in a candy shop in southern Indiana. Hazzorius was raised on the idea that Ohioans were soulless, bloodthirsty creatures- and far from human, at that. He was taught that they were as bad, or even worse than the Combine. As a result of this, Hazzorius invented a new candy bar- designed like the Ohio flag with human shit (chocolate) on top. He was promoted to store manager immediately due to this invention.

College Days

At the age of 18, Hazzorius left home to attend Indianapolis State University. He majored in Gender Studies with a minor in Anatomy. He soon switched Anatomy to his full-time major, for unknown reasons. Hazzorius found himself fascinated especially with human cadavers; he would spend late nights in the lab, examining the lifeless pickled corpses.

His professors noticed this, and recommended he apply to work in a Forensic Investigation Office, where he would work with bodies regularly. However, Hazzorius declined this offer; he wanted to continue studying Anatomy. Unfortunately, Hazzorius was kicked out of the Anatomy program shortly after being discovered [REDACT- OVRLRDISH DECREE- REASON- UNSPECIFIED] ; after which point, he had stitched the two seperate cadavers into one hideous monster.

Hazzorius, clinging to his Gender Studies minor degree, scrambled frantically to pick his next major before the new semester began. He ultimately settled on Political Science.

During his time in the Political Science program, Hazzorius became ostracized from his peers for his extreme xenophobic and nationalist views. He had to be asked to leave classes several times, and was even forcefully expunged from the enrollment in a Combine - Ohio History class.

Hazzorius graduated from college in 53 BB, with a Bachelor's degree in Political Science and a Master's Degree in Gender Studies. At this point, Hazzorius, without any real life plan in mind, joined the American Army, being trained at Camp Blutt in Hawaii. During his time in Hawaii, Hazzorius met his wife, Ginny Blume and quickly fell in love with her. It was at this point that he decided to serve in the military for the duration of his 18-year service.

Military Service

Once in the military, Hazzorius was assigned to 1st Squadron, 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment at Fort Drum, NY as a Bradley Gunner, and throughout his time there, he and his fellow soldiers (as well as their respective spouses) took on and proved themselves as expert combatants.

After completing his deployment, Hazzorius left the American Army in 35 BB, however, he had a desire to serve again, and was easily convinced by his friends to reenlist in the army. Hazzorius served in the 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment for another 3 years, and returned to Fort Drum once again, for the last time, before leaving active duty in May of 32 BB.

The Breakdown

After nearly thirty years, Hazzorius returned home to Indiana, but found that his hometown had been all but destroyed by the Ohio-Combine Proticulum. Walking through the wreckage of his young adulthood, he wept over his father's grave. Hazzorious tried to move on; but he missed his father- and after spending several days alone in Indiana (Ginny had left him to cheat on his superior at Fort Drum), Hazzorius dug his father up, and- in a grotesque display- ordered McDonalds for himself and his father to eat. Of course, the Senior Mr. Blume wasn't hungry.

This was perhaps the first indication of Hazzorius' severe mental illness; but it certainly wasn't the last.

After commandeering an abandoned food truck from the local park, he fashioned himself a skeleton-printed suit- and opened up "Blume's Bones", a vendor which claimed to sell only "real human bones".

It's speculated that the first bones Hazzorius sold were actually those of his father.

Bizarrely, Hazzorius found he had quite an eager (albeit, secretive) demographic; his first set of skeleton sold out quickly. And so the bones kept coming. Hazzorius began spiralling into an increasingly unstable state of mental illness and schizophrenia, becoming so disillusioned with reality that he came to believe that he was God.

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