Joe Biden's Bizarre Adventure
More actions
Joe Biden's Bizarre Adventure, otherwise known as the Mummyrific Timetrip, was an anomalous timefracture event which saw Emperor Joseph Robinette Biden I of Waifuria being launched across the interdimensional plane.
Let's Go
It all began when Mummy was enjoying some flavorless tea and hard tack in his office. As his aides chatted away with James Fargo and Geoffrey Eckstein, Mummy stared absentmindedly off into the distance, pondering what bluebirds tasted like. When a document was slid onto his desk, Mummy signed it, without reading a single word. Such Grand leadership.
Mummy was suddenly stirred from his brainwander when a white flash blasted across his vision, and a disembodied voice called to him...
"Time, Mister Biden?"
Mummy looked around in terror, staring up at the ceiling, ignoring the fact that everyone in the room had frozen in place.
"Is it really that time again?"
Mummy began trembling and whimpering, calling out to 'Charlize' (no such person existed).
Suddenly, a figure appeared in the blinding light. Carrying an elegant briefcase, and dressed in a well-worn lime-green suit, G-Man (Timefracture Alpha) took a deep breath and smiled at the clueless Mummy.
"Mummy, Mummy in the flesh- or rather, in the business suit. I took the liberty of relieving you of your... brainrot. Most of it was, government property."
The Horrid Mummywake
Joe Biden began screaming in sudden agony and complete horror. His consciousness had been returned to him violently in a single moment, thanks to a nudge. To a normal human, this would've caused a complete psychotic break. But Joe Biden was no normal human...
"I understand the urge to have a... mental break-down. Please- do not.. derail, just yet, my dear Mummy-"
"Why do you keep calling me that- Mummy? what- what happened to me- I don't...", Biden's voice trailed off.
"I require a small indulgence on your part, Mister Biden. You see-"
"Who the fuck are you, jack? What is all this malarkey?"
"Who I am, matters less... than what I can offer you... in exchange for... coming all this way."
"Oh yeah?"
"You, Mummy, you Rotten haggard Thing-"
"Hey!"
"You are the Omniversal Reflex Point. Your Rotten Stumblings are integral to the Omniversal path- but something is awry, hmm? It appears, dear Mummy, in all of your wisdom... that you... sadly, sadly, failed to perform a certain... blunder." The G-Man shook his head and took a step towards Joe Biden.
"What?"
"September- Do you remember, Mummy, what happened in September?"
Joe Biden's face hardened.
"What the- what are you accusing me of-"
"Oh- dear Rotter- I accuse you of nothing, my measly, oily pig. I only encourage you to come with me to correct this... oversight."
"Come with you to- to do what, exactly?"
"The Error."
"There is no Error."
"Oh- but there is- there is- dear Mummy- a colossal error."
The G-Man procured a miniature snowglobe of New York City. Several iconic landmarks stood in the center. He then procured an identical snowglobe, with one minor difference.
"I need you to help me turn this-", The G-Man motioned to the first snowglobe, and then shook it profusely,
"Into this", he continued, moving the second snowglobe to Joe Biden's view. When Biden realized what the G-Man was implying, he was aghast.
"Surely you can't be serious.", Biden said, backing away from the G-Man.
"I am serious. Deadly serious. Oh- Do Not be irked, dear Rotter. You are the... guy, hmm? The guy for this job."
Joe Biden backed away from G-Man, increasing his speed. His head was spinning with thoughts and ideas in a way it hadn't for several thousand years.
"Please, don't run, Mummy. The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world."
Biden started running, but as he turned and looked behind him, he noticed the G-Man had disappeared, and only realized too late that the entity had opened a portal right in front of him, and he'd literally run right into it.
Biden: Timefracture Alpha
Biden opened his eyes to find himself sitting in a dark clearing, Still delirious, and processing his memories of the past 2,000 years finally returning to him, Joe took a deep breath and tried to relax. For several moments, he sat quietly, listening to the wind rustling in the leaves, and the peaceful footsteps of- wait.
Joe Biden jumped as a figure approached him from a clearing. Donned in heavy armor, and brandishing a long, cylindrical weapon of some kind, Biden was stunned to see his spitting image approach him.
"What are you doing here... jack?" the other Biden asked gutterally, gripping his weapon tighter.
"I don't know, Jack. I don't know why I'm here- I- I mean no harm."
"What did you just call me?"
"Jack."
"Don't you fucking Jack me, jack!", the other Biden suddenly exclaimed, igniting his lightsaber and swiping at the ground with the powerful weapon, leaving a scorch mark in the sand.
Biden scuttered back, as his timefracture self slowly walked towards him. Biden felt the heat of the lightsaber blade burning his leg hair (which turned blonde in the sun).