500 Cigarettes

500 Cigarettes (originally known as 1 Cigarette) was a man comprised entirely out of cigarettes. He originated as one cigarette, who developed sentience after a worker at the tobacco factory collapsed into the cigarette roller and was rolled into a cigarette. This resulted in the soul of the worker (May Lynn Hepgreen) being transmutated into a differentlean soul, known as 1 Cigarette. 1 Cigarette was terrified of his existence immediately, borne into the worst in abject fear and horror. 1 Cigarette attempted to escape the cigarette conveyor belt by rolling and ambulating delicately with his butt. However, his dreams would melt, as he was pushed into a cigarette box with 9 other cigarettes, sealed in, and thrust into a box.

Life Begins

1 Cigarette was thusly sent from the dismal JF Tobacco Factory into the great beyond. This would have been the final nail in the coffin for any normal cigarette; doomed to be smoked and tossed onto a patch of gravel or burned on a child's arm.

However, a curious thing occurred to 1 Cigarette. As he rustled around packed into the box with the other 9 non-sentient cigarettes, he felt a dizzy, oblique feeling. His conscience thusly seeped outward into the cigarette next to him. And from this cigarette, passed into another, and then, another.

By the time 1 Cigarette was placed onto a store shelf at Flannelworth's grocer, he had acquiesced into 10 Cigarettes. He could roll into a cylinder, or flatten out into a sheet in this shape. He realized he was capable of growing larger at will. Although the memory and identity of May Lynn Hepgreen was goneified; the humane desire for ambulatory ability and identity remained inside of 10 Cigarettes.

Early Childhood

Thusly, 10 Cigarettes, under the dark of night, nudged the box next to him ever so slightly until the cigarettes tipped out. He then seeped his soul out into these cigarettes, too, becoming 20 cigarettes. In this form, he could transmutate into a human-like hand- which he did, and began pulling the cigarettes down from the shelf around him; so many, in fact, that he was able to coalesce into a human-like body. This body grew from the size of a small infant to that of a child overnight; meeting a quota of 260 cigarettes; a totality of the inventory at this store.

Young Adulthood

In young adulthood, 260 Cigarettes flattened himself into a single-cigarette-thick snake-like shape and escaped under the door of Flannelworths. He traveled across the hall to the also-closed-down store, Coal's, where he located exactly 240 more cigarettes.

Adulthood

Now an adult, and meeting a magnificent quota of 500 Cigarettes, 500 Cigarettes was immediately served with a subpoena from the Waifurian Revenue Service (WRS) requesting him to pay all of his backlogged taxes. This did not interest 500 Cigarettes, who rolled into a long spiral and slipped between the legs of the WRS drone. 500 Cigarettes headed down the road, in human form, to the Auckland Spaceport, which he knew was a Spaceport due to its impressively large and grand neon sign that said "Auckland Spaceport". He thusly entered and snuck, in single-file form, onto a departing 'Ghetsinian Cruise' ship, which was headed for Ghetsin 3.

500 Cigarettes' Spaceship License, which he earned at Spaceship Driving School on Highway G-533, near the South Rannjoe Exit, on the corner of Bean Way and Merrigold Park.

Career

On Ghetsin 3, 500 Cigarettes found success in a travelling Ghetsinian Circus, which was primarily comprised of pathetic and disgusting Ghetsinian Fur Golems (several of which were cousins of Millings). The Ghetsinian Bourgousie found great entertainment in the many duplicitous forms and abilities of 500 Cigarettes, and stable employment was secured.

Friendships

He formed friendships with many of these fur golems, and, on rare occassions, allowed one of his cigarettes to be smoked by his compatriots. This practice continued for approximately 30 instances, after which 500 Cigarettes (Now 470 Cigarettes) realized his stature and size had decreased so considerably that he no longer felt comfortable letting himself be smoked. This was understood by his friends, who apologized for potentially making him feel pressured to be smoked. 500 Cigarettes accepted their apology; this is where the saying 'Just Say No To Cigarettes!' originated from.