St. Nick

Nicholas M. Klaus
Aliases	Santa Claus St. Nick Nicky Boy Saint Nicholas Jeffrey
Biographical information
Marital status	Mrs. Klaus
Date of birth	12/25/2020 BB
Place of birth	Jerusalem
Date of death	05/02/204,237,883 AB
Place of death	Unknown
Physical description
Species	Humanian
Gender	Male
Height	4'11
Weight	245 lbs
Eye color	Soullean
Appearances

Saint Nick was a prolific serial home invader and bootleg toy manufacturer who operated out of Glacier 43 in the Arctic Circle.

Early Life

Nick was born in a wretched slum in what would become Jerusalem, on the night of the birth of Jesus Christ. While Jesus was visited by the Three Wise Men that night, Nick was shat on by several cows and pigs, as his mother screamed in agony.

Nick was raised in a horribly sad state, with his mother and father working the fields of a Roman overlord (Pontiface Bollorpius XV), and his dear grandpappy working at the local woodmill, cutting logs and sawing things by hand.

Nick spent a lot of time with dear grandpappy, and he learned a grand deal about woodworking from him. Nick began manufacturing toys out of wood, mostly wooden horses or soldiers, which he would then sell at market for one septum each.

This all changed, however, for Nick, when Pontiface Bollorpius XV suddenly died and was succeeded by his malewife, Horticulture Dan, who promptly fired Nick's parents. Nick's grandfather also died from "unknown causes" at this time.

Nick's parents, penniless and on the brink of losing their splendorous real estate (horse shack), set off north towards Mesopotamia, in hopes of finding new success in the River Valley.

Mummy

Nick and his family arrived in Mesopotamia and were promptly greeted by none other than Joe Biden. At this time, at only the quaint young age of 300, the future Mummy didn't look a day over 18.

Joe Biden, at this time a successful rice paddy farmer, invited the family to come and work on his plantation.

The family was offered a house and accomodations, which they found very grand.

When Nick showed Biden his impressive woodworking skills, the future Mummy provided him with a woodshop- and 800 gold pieces. With this, Nick began his own toy building business.

Nick and Joe Biden also developed a romantic entwinement during this time; however, when Nick's family found out, they were enraged. Nick's father attempted to attack Biden; to no avail.

Nick's parents were vaporized, and Joe Biden placed Nick into an eternal slumber- only true love's kiss could awaken him.

Polar Imprisonment

Nick was cryogenically frozen inside of Glacier 43. He slumbered there for many years, until Mummy accidentally let slip to the CIA that his "buddy" was being stored in a mysterious facility in the North Pole. in 48 BB, Mummy was forcibly taken to the North Pole by American Government Operatives and forced to unlock Glacier 43.

While they had expected some sort of ancient, superpowerful Pangean entity, they instead found Saint Nick, frozen still in a cryogenic chamber.

Mummy, in a stroke of incredible genius (he remembered something), bent over and kissed Nick on the lips. Nick sputtered awake, coughing up ice crystals and ripping tubes from his body.

When he looked around, he began screaming in terror. Who were all of these mysteriously clad men? Why did his dear Joe look so wretched and old?

The American CIA moved to euthanize him, but Mummy protested.

"Give him the chance to restart, Jack. It's the least- least I owe him for- uh- well...:

An elite squadron of MTO soldiers was called to the North Pole, and Saint Nick was sedated, loaded onto a helicopter, and sent to Honorhall Orphanage.

Orphanage

Saint Nick did not enjoy his time at the Orphanage. He had many grievances with his roommate- a wretched, adolescent baboon who threw his shit against the wall every day. The other residents of the Orphanage were not much better;

Thing 1 and Thing 2 were a rather rambunctious duo (and somewhat bearable friends of Nick's) prior to Moot performing a dual lobotomy on the both of them and rendering them permanently immobile.

By 46 BB, Nick was sick and tired of the horrendous Orphanage, and he left in the dark- much to the fury of Moot.

When Moot awoke the next morning, and discovered that Nick had escaped, he was indeed enraged, and started up his '67 Chevy pickup and sputtered off down the dirt road, in search of Nick. Legend States Moot is still searching for him, to this day.

Reintroduction to Society

Saint Nick was astounded at the colors and lights which had been developed- he found himself in Portland, Maine (after traveling for several miles on foot). He approached a shop owner, asking for help, but found that the man didn't understand his ancient Middle Eastern Dialect.

Saint Nick lived homeless on the streets of Portland, Maine for several years. However, one day, he was standing outside the window of a toy store when he noticed something- a small wooden horse.

This gave him a wretched idea.

A typical wooden horse, as Saint Nick would make.

Illicit Toy Empire

Over the next six years, Saint Nick began secretly stealing toys from this store- and, at night, hiding in the back, grinding away on the woodcutting machines making replicas. Nick also began stealing toys from other places- even ones he couldn't replicate.

Nick became addicted to the thrill of theft. Eventually, he got lazy. He was caught by Portland Authorities after trying to stuff an entire Lego Combine Infantry Unit into his jacket; he escaped, and a bounty was placed on his head. A fugitive of the law, Nick was on the run.

Down the East coast of the United States he ran, stopping occassionally in cities and stealing toys. Nick carried with him a thick sack filled with his spoils; this eventually became so heavy that he constructed himself a sleigh (using stolen lumber, of course) which he fitted with slick racing tires and nitrus.

Saint Nick became notorious across the World for his exploits, known far and wide as "Kris Krinkle" (after the sound his horrible sled contraption made), he became eventually wanted in 197 different countries worldwide.

Ohio

Nick found himself stationed in Ohio for several years. The sad excuse for a government which controlled this Combine-aligned nation was very bad at many things; this included managing acid rain downpour, which was a daily phenomenon brought on by the Boistrous Battles of the Midwest. Nick's time in Ohio was abruptly cut short when, suddenly, the Bombing of Columbus occurred.

Nick was, unharmed though. As he stared into the flames of the Nuclear Explosion, he was surprised to feel everything freeze around him.

Ancient Interference

"Time, Saint Nicholas?", came a disembodied voice.

"Is it really that time, again?".

G-0001, the original G-Man, stepped out of an intricate and ornate golden portal.

"My Employers have authorized me to- preserve this entity", G-0001 said, motioning to Nick's corporal form.

"You will bring merriment and- grand tidings to the people of the world.", G-0001 said.

What happened next was one of the most vile acts ever committed by a G-Man in the Omniverse. Saint Nick's entire memory was wiped- his parents, his friends, his relationship with Mummy. His feelings- his empathy- his entire personality- were wiped clean. It was is if he had been given an entirely new brain, with parental controls fully activated on it.

Ho Ho Ho!

This new Saint Nick was deployed back to Glacier 43, where he was placed in charge of a group of enslaved humans, vortigaunts, and other beings. These poor unfortunate souls came to be known as the "Elves", and they labored tirelessly day in and day out to produce exact replicas of toys that already existed. These toys were used in a top-secret American operation known as "Codename:Christmas". It was designed to keep the peasants satisfied by giving them free garbage each Christmas. Saint Nick was used as the face of this operation, being a mystical figure known as 'Santa Claus'.

Each year, on the night of Saint Nick's birth, December 25, he would travel to all of the houses across Earth, breaking and entering and putting bootleg toys under the Christmas Trees of all the children. He did this until he died violently and suddenly at the hands of [REDACT_OFFICES_OF_CHRAUNOR-COMPROMISINGINFO-EMPLOYER3]