Board of Waifuria Hostage Crisis

The Board of Waifuria Hostage Crisis of 4 BB involved the kidnapping of Board of Waifuria Chairman Joe Biden at the hands of the Combine's General Grievous. Biden was ripped from his office at the Bass Pro Shop Pyramid and dragged onto a Combine Transport by the Good General himself, where he was strapped into a chair and taken to Polus Base for a vicious interrogation.

A Losing Battle

As the Great META War raged on across Earth, the Combine found themselves slowly but surely losing their footholds across the planet. After losing Europe and Mexico, the main Combine base of City 9 was facing constant bombardment from Mexican and American forces, with M.T.O footsoldiers pushing deep into the city.

Grand General Grievous grew weary of commanding both the entire army and navy of the Combine Intergalactic Empire, and secretly hoped for an end to the fighting. He had attempted to explain to the Advisors, on numerous occassions, that the invasion of Earth was a massive, bleeding expenditure for the C.O.C.K. They ignored his warnings, and Grievous decided that he was going to end the war on his own terms.

The Kidnapping

The Brainrotten Oaf was tucked comfortably into bed with his binky and teddy bear, about to fall asleep to the popular Children's Comedy Series Breaking Bad, when he was suddenly awaked by three Combine footsoldiers, who duct-taped his mouth and dragged him out into the hallway. They smashed open the glass wall of the Bass Pro Shop Pyramid and threw the Mummy onto a Combine Transport, where General Grievous was waiting.

Mummy Interrogation

General Grievous ripped the duct tape off of The Brainrotten Chairman's mouth, at which point the elderly sot began screaming violently about his "sucky suck". Grievous, irritated with the incessant screaming of his captive, shoved one of his lightsabers into Biden's gullet, suffocating him. Grievous then explained to the Mummy that he was going to take him to Polus Base, where he would be asked numerous questions. Grievous explained things would only "get nasty" if the Mummy refused to cooperate.

When the group arrived on Triton, Grievous removed his lightsaber from the unconcious Mummy's mouth and several Combine Guards escorted him inside. G-3301 was sitting at the table, glumly sipping from a travel mug filled with gasoline (he dearly missed his close friend Admiral Amonger, who had been fired in 19 BB). Grievous punched G-3301 in the face, grabbed the travel mug, and began beating the entity's skull in with it. G-3301 bled out a vile black ichor, before succumbing to his injuries.

Grievous then turned to the Mummy and warned him that the same fate would befall him, should he answer falsely to his questioning.

Sprinkles Factorium

The Mummy, while watching this gruesome murder, was pondering which kind of sprinkles would taste best on chocolate chocolate chip ice cream. G-3301's dark ichor reminded Mummy of the first time he produced chocolate chocolate chip, while living inside of a whale. He sighed as he remembered the grand days of his Westward Mummytrip. Focusing back on the matter at hand, sprinkles, Mummymind deeply considered sugar crystals, but remembered that the long, green sprinkles were his favorite. Decisions, decisions!

Death Threats

Mummy was reawakened from this daydream by Grievous, who was brandishing two lightsabers on either side of Mummy's sad wrinkly neck. Grievous demanded the Waifurian launch codes, but the Mummy, in a rare stroke of genius, refused to provide them. Grievous brought the lightsaber softly down on the Mummy's skin. Joe Biden grabbed the lightsaber blade (a superhot beam of pure energy) and threw it against the ground, exclaiming, "That's enough, Jack!"

Grievous motioned to the Combine guards to secure the Mummy to a chair. Grievous left the room to secure the Combine Interrogation Device. Several minutes later, though, Polus Base began shaking violently.

The horizon of Triton, Neptune's largest moon, and home of the Combine forward command post, Polus Base.

The Heroes

As the sun rose in a crescent over the silhouette of Neptune against the dark Triton skies, two M.T.O interstellar fighter jets, the first of their kind, streaked across the icy glaciers of the surface below, stirring up debris and snow. They were piloted by General Rick Hernia and Commander Keith Cumshoes. Behind them were several squadrons of Space Force bombers.

"Red Squadron, do you copy?", Keith Cumshoes' voice came over the intercom. "We're ready. Blue Squadron, do you copy?" Rick Hernia replied. "We copy. Bombs away, Keith, let's get down to the landing deck. The rest of you, take out their defense towers. Secure the perimeter, and shoot down anything that comes our way."

Rescue of the Rotter

Keith and Rick split away from the group, headed down towards Polus Base. They jumped out of their fighter jets when they hit the ground, and brandished their Starmetal Katanas. They cut cleanly through the Combine forces which rushed them in the hangar, and hurried into Polus Base. Here they found Joe Biden, strapped to a chair and chewing on his shirt collar. When he spotted them, he smiled blankly.

"General Henry, and- uh- Kim- Kenny- uh... Queen Sherry. You guys rescued me!" Rick Hernia nodded as he cut the Mummy's restraints.

"Yep, that's why we're here." Rick replied. "Now, let's get you back to Earth before anything dangerous happens".

A Grievous Encounter

General Grievous suddenly crashed through the ceiling, brandishing three ignited lightsabers, and dragging the corpse of G-3301. He advanced on Rick Hernia and Keith Cumshoes.

"General Hernia. I was expecting someone with your reputation to be a little... more human."

"General Grievous. You're shorter than I expected".

Grievous turned to Keith Cumshoes.

"And you... Commander Cumshoes. Son of 6. How is your brother Alduin doing?", Grievous asked, mockingly, throwing G-3301's body on the ground like a ragdoll.

"We're not here to negotiate, general. We're taking the Chairman back. This is the four hundredth war crime you've committed this year, Grievous". Keith said.

Grievous screamed at him and stomped violently on G-3301's corpse, heinously mauling it with his clawed toes.

"I don't care about war crimes. I live to watch you all die- you wretched, Waifurian scum. Do not resist the Combine Empire."

"There will be consequences, General", Rick Hernia said, readying his Katana.

The duel that followed was legendary. Keith, Rick, and Grievous danced around the room in an elegant display of swordplay, while the Mummy stood in the corner, biting his fingernails. After several minutes of intense dueling, Keith dislodged two of Grievous' arms. Grievous attempted to scuttle away, as he always did, but the base was suddenly rocked with another slew of explosions. The Combine defenses were completely destroyed. The ceiling began caving in, and Keith and Rick, forced to choose between saving Joe Biden or Killing Grievous, chose the former. This would prove to be their gravest mistake.

Escape from Polus Base

The trio hurried out to the hangar, but found their fighter jets had been destroyed by debris. They hurried to the nearest Combine Transport, and rushed to the cockpit. Joe Biden began tapping buttons at random, so Keith Cumshoes grabbed a pair of handcuffs and secured the Mummy to the interior wall of the transport. Keith and Rick blasted off from Polus Base towards Earth. The trip went rather smoothly at first, until their ship was struck by a Combine Anti-aircraft missile over the skies of Afghanistan, and their ship began plummeting dangerously fast into Earth's atmosphere. The latter half of the transport was torn off, leaving them flying only half of a ship.

Mysterious Individuals

They landed violently in a field several miles away from Kabul, where a group of mysterious green cloaked figures swiftly grabbed Biden and escorted him onto a large golden spacecraft. The green men commanded Rick and Keith to repeat nothing of their encounter to anybody, under threat of death. Rick and Keith were left standing in the wreckage of the transport, waiting for a pickup.

Grievous Revenge

Standing in the battle-damaged, but still standing, wreckage of Polus Base, Grievous vowed revenge on Rick Hernia and Keith Cumshoes. His thirst for blood and revenge would lead directly into his actions at the Battle of Alexandria, one of the final battles of the Great META War.