BLAMPIST-1 G

BLAMPIST-1 G (Vardonna) was a cold, arid world covered in dunes of sodium chloride (salt) and a subterrenean ocean, lush with aquatic plants and creatures. The sixth and most populous planet of the BLAMPIST-1 system, it was home to around 10 billion humash who referred to themselves as 'Vardonnens'. The Vardonnens settled BLAMPIST-1 G in the 15,000,000s BB. This is the story of their world...

First Settlement

The history of Vardonna was a tale passed down for eons through generations of Vardonnens. Legend goes that in the year 55,555,555 BB, when the Milky Way was young, BLAMPIST-1 aligned perfectly with then-medium sized black hole Sagittarius A. The seven planets, many still brewing with liquid surfaces and doomed moons, were locked, for a moment, in a perfect line pointing toward the Milky Way's core. Directly opposite BLAMPIST-1, on the far side of Sagittarius A, was another seven-planet solar system, which also aligned with the black hole. It was said that in honor of the beauty and splendor of this occassion that the Gods delivered from a white portal two humash; a man, Mada, and another man, Evan.

In these days, Vardonna was a dark water world; churning with tropical storms and monumental winds. Its poles were frigid blizzard vortexi, and its equator was a volcanic hotspot.

However, when the humash descended from the heavens, Mada carried by Father Snow, and Evan by Ed Wool, the planet's climate immediately stabilized; equalized across its entire surface, due to the harmonious duality of Mada, the masculine, and Eve, the feminine. Vardonna adopted a universal surface temperature of 69 degrees Fahrenheit, the perfect temperature for humash to thrive. And thrive they did.

Child

After five days on the surface of BLAMPIST-1 G, the young humash awoke one morning to find an infant nestled in the salt dunes outside their home. This infant held in the palms of his hands a seemingly innocuous number '5', and babbled incoherently at Mada and Evan. This boy, who they named Cha'ril Vardonna, would become quite the influential figure.

As Mada and Evan raised their new progeny, they developed their homestead. As generations passed and their family expanded, the homestead grew into a large settlement, Vardonsted. Humash were, unless physically wounded, immortal, and thusly the family expanded at an exponential rate. Cha'ril exhibited great affinity and connection with the Legume, one of the first Omniversal beings to do so. Each night he would point up at the sky, toward the brightest two stars in the sky. At first, Mada and Evan were mystified by this action. However, with the advent of astronomy, they discovered that Cha'ril was pointing toward two stars- encircled by four planets- this being the Ghetsin-Todd system.

Maturroids

Cha'ril reached maturity after 555 years, as was foreseen by Ig Serroid Lower Dimensional Surveillance Unit #2210. By this point, Vardonsted was the largest population center in the BLAMPIST-1 system. Mada and Evan had retired to a ranch over the ridge, and Cha'ril had been charged with governance of the civilization. However, this was a mighty task for one to undertake alone, and thus he began indulging a new urge, that being to romanticize and to marry. He wanted to pass along the duties to a child so that he, like his parents, could retire to a small cottage in the mountains.

It didn't take long for Cha'ril to meet the most beautiful woman on the planet, Elo'se Vardonna, his sixty-eighth cousin fourth removed. Cha'ril courted Elo'se for eighty moons and eighty suns before taking her to bed and attempting to impregnate her. Unfortunately, Cha'ril was without seed. They tried for five decades to birth a child, having intercourse each morning and each night in vain. Eventually, Cha'ril gave up hope of ever birthing a child. He resigned himself to celibacy, emasculated, and locked himself in his chamber with his 5.

Adultery

Elo'se, however, still sought the pleasure of sexual intercourse, despite her husband's deficiency. So she called out to the cosmos at night, in a harsh whisper, praying to the Gods for a new partner. The Gods laughed at this, but Ig Serroid Lower Dimensional Surveillance Unit #2210 took it upon themselves to provide this service. Elo'se slept for one night with Ig Serroid Magnifigance 320-AB Zipplezork. It was a pleasure beyond any worldly orgasm ever felt in Omniversal History to be fucked by the Upperdimensional timekeepers. And so, Elo'se was finally with child. Excited, she ran to Cha'ril's chambers, banging excitedly on the door to tell her husband the news. But Cha'ril was nowhere to be found.

Legumish Action

Cha'ril had locked himself in his room and begun to meditate, reaching out to the Legume as he did each evening. However, this time, he felt a greater connection than he ever had with the mysterious bean. And so, in the metaphysical realm, he saw a great, shimmering beanstalk, formed of Legumish Legumons and Particulites, stretching from his bedroom window all the way to the Ghetsin-Todd system. And so Cha'ril, grasping his trusty 5, began to climb, and climb, and climb, until Vardonsted was nothing but a small dot on the planet's white surface below him. As Cha'ril climbed, he felt the air escape his lungs, replaced with pure Legumish energy. He climbed faster, and faster, and faster, until suddenly he was falling, and falling, and falling, before crashing into the surface of the untouched wilderness of Ghetsin 3. There, before him, on a small obsidian pedestal, sat the Legume. This was grand.

Cha'ril had finally met his destiny, and so began to build a temple to this bean- erecting over many eons one of the grandest temples in Omniversal History- one which come to be known as the 'Temple of Rannjoe'. Over millions of years, the rodents around Cha'ril evolved and gained consiousness, becoming what was known as 'Ghetsinian Fur Golems'. The largest and strongest of this pack, Millings, was befriended by Cha'ril, and became the resident janitor of the Temple of Rannjoe. This was grand.

As Cha'ril told his story to Millings, the fur golem did his best to remember all of the details and pronouncations. However, Millings was rather daft. As a result, when the other fur golems asked Millings about Cha'ril, he informed them that Cha'ril was a 'Five Warden', an ancient protector of Fives on the planet Wardenville. This was a gross misinterpretation- but the name stuck. Cha'ril was the original Warshipper, and recruited many from across the Omniverse to his cause over the epochs, fading into the background and letting others tap into their extraordinary affinity with the Legume. He held frequent orgies. At last, Cha'ril had found peace.

Addendoid

If Cha'ril had had his way, the Legume would have remained a closely guarded secret. For many years, it remained so, and the Warshippers were a peaceful and leaderless society. However, eventually, G-0001 transplanted Francis Merrigold onto the planet, groomed to be the 'Supreme Warshipper'. Cha'ril excused himself from the planet after this, and his whereabouts became infrequent and unknowable.

Blampistians

Now then dearies, returning to the matter at hand, BLAMPIST-1 G mourned Cha'ril for fifty days after his assumed 'death'. However, El'ose gave the people hope when she revealed that she was with child. This was grand, and was celebrated as such.

El'ose was interim ruler of the planet. BUt she knew that upon her birth of the child, her powers would fall on her progeny- the closest blood relative of Cha'ril. This was not grand in her eyes, and she grew wary. Ig Serroid Lower Dimensional Surveillance Unit #2110 counseled her in her dreams, whispering myths and tall tales about their kind. 'Tell them that he is Cha'ril's child, but has the blood of Ig Serroid in his veins', they whispered, 'tell them he is a God'.

The Baron in his old age, after about 14,000,000 years ruling the planet.

Birth of a Monarch

On April 30, 14,320,001, Baron Vladimir Vardonnen was birthed. El'ose declared that he should rule the planet as a monarch, and abdicated the throne immediately. As such, an infant ruled Vardonna.

However, the Baron was immediately conscious and wise, and demonstrated an affinity for urban planning and agriculture by the age of 1. This his mother attributed to his 'Ig Serroidal Blessing'. The people of Vardonnen, as the Baron slowly grew more intelligent began to revere and warship him. As eons passed the people of Vardonna forgot about a world where they were not ruled by the Baron- who soon became known as the 'Governor'.

As he grew, the Baron revered his 'father' Cha'ril, and read legends of his father's wisdom, leadership, and courage in the ancient years of Vardonsted. He aspired to the greatness of his father, and his only regret in life as young boy is that his Father could not see him grow.

Interplanetary Relations

By 2,000 BB, all of the major planets in the BLAMPIST-1 system had been developed. They utilized short-range space travel and traded amongst each other. Vardonna and Arrakis had a particularly close relationship, politically and economically. A Blampistian system government was established on BLAMPIST-1 E (Blampistia Prime) in the capital city of Blampistia, much to the chagrin of The Governor, who argued that Vardonsted, being the oldest and grandest city in the system, would be a more logical choice. But the inner planets agreed that establishing a new city for system governance would be the best solution to ensure equality for everyone. As a concession, BLAMPIST-1 G was granted exclusive veto rights on the Planetary Council.

For the next 2,500 years, the planets co-existed as a Planetary Council, sharing technologies they developed with one another as they refined their means of hyperspace travel. The Governor was repeatedly elected to consecutive terms as the planetary Council Chairman, rendering him the de facto leader of the BLAMPIST-1 system. He gradually centralized and socialized previously fragmented or privatized industries; for example, the Vardonna Mining Co. was a public utility, funded by the government, which paid decent wages, allowed for flexible hours, and was a worker-run co-op. BLAMP-TRANSIT was the system's government-run interplanetary and surface-level mass transportation system, which allowed citizens to make donations but never required any fees. The Governor enjoyed nearly 100% approval ratings as the BLAMPIST-1 system flourished.

The Art of the Deal

In the 400s BB, as interstellar travel became more popular, the council decided it was time to construct a proper interstellar port. What followed was one of the most contentious periods of debate in Blampistian history, where for roughly 20 years, from 499 BB to 479 BB, the council deliberated, for ten hours a day, every day, on where to place this interstellar port.

Fragmentation

Under the increasing divides on the port issue, political parties emerged, with the Fremen-dominated 'Independence' party advocating for less centralized government and lower transplanet shipping taxes, as well as the construction of a port on BLAMPIST-1 C, to be named the 'Arrakian Trading Post'. BLAMPIST-1 B also backed this idea, due to the two desert planets' close proximinity to one another.

The Blampers' Caucus of BLAMPIST-1 D wanted to construct a massive orbital space port which would act as a false satellite, protected by the planet's strange green shield-field. However, this plan was not favorable to any of the other worlds. "No, this idea is ridiculous," BLAMPIST-1 B Blampistian Delegate Ma'dva Soj was quoted as saying on the idea, "One cannot simply build a space station as big as a moon! It's impossible!"

The naturalized citizens of BLAMPIST-1 E, under the 'Core Party', of course wanted to construct the port on a mountain ridge north of Blampistia, an idea which was agreeable to everyone in concept, but was seriously flawed. You see, my dearie, BLAMPIST-1 E's orbit was inside of a vast asteroid belt, and the other planetary delegates argued that putting an interstellar port on a planet inside of an asteroid belt would almost certainly cause frequent lightspeed collisions. This was 'an item of note', according to BLAMPIST-1 E delegate Marxon Xonmark.

The Governor wanted the port constructed in the heart of Vardonsted. After twenty years of fierce debate, BLAMPIST-1 G vetos, and the murder of half of the BLAMPIST-1 B delegation, the Governor ultimately won in a landslide vote on March 8, 479 B. BLAMPISTS-1 B, C, D, and E all voted for the final Blampistia plan, with BLAMPIST-1 F abstaining.

The ultimate plan, which included $30,000,000,000,000 in infrastructure spending and development funds, was decided upon, with a 9-mile by 9-mile spaceport schematic in the shape of a giant disc. The Governor celebrated this victory, claiming he finally won due to Vardonsted's status as a booming population center, historical and cultural appeal, and of course, his ever-growing influence over the BLAMPIST-1 System. Soon after this, the Governor was re-elected to his 1 millionth term as council chair.

Resentment and Political Violence

As construction for Port Vardonnen began, tensions between the increasingly-factionalized BLAMPIST-1 planets grew to new levels, as civilians took it into their own hands to voice their anger at the growing consolidation of the Governor's control over the system. Soon, guerilla warfare and brawls filled the residential streets of BLAMPIST-1 E. After a fight between Vardonnans and Blampers left the Deputy Mayor of Blampistia dead, BLAMPIST-1 G residents were again banned from entering BLAMPIST-1 E, with hefty fines and potential prison time hanging as threats over their heads. The Governor was outraged at the planetary government, calling on the BLAMPIST-1 E delegation to condemn and remove the President of Blampistia Prime (BLAMPIST-1 E) over the 'racist and inhumane policy'.

BLAMPIST-1 E President K'hova Selmone retaliated, calling Governor Vardonnen an 'angry, power-hungry fossil whose time has long since expired'. Well, this didn't fare well with The Governor, who introduced a resolution at the next Planetary Council member to have President Selmone 'tied up and shot in the back of the head'. The resolution failed, but President Selmone committed suicide<ref>"suicide"</ref> the next day.

After this, political disagreements largely died down, as the Vardonnen Governor was repeatedly elected to term after term as Planetary Council Chair. He considered himself pragmatic; he secretly hated leading the Council but knew if not him, someone else would take his place and corrupt the instititution almost immediately.

The Governor used his power to do what he thought was best for the entire system. He was a strong leader, and the people loved him for it- despite the attempts of Opposition parties to remove him from power. On every planet, in election cycle after election cycle, The Governor was unstoppable. However, he would meet his strongest challenge in the 490s AB with the arrival of the system's first intergalactic 'visitors.'

A side-by-side view of the Waifurian Taft-Class Star Cruiser, forty of which entered the BLAMPIST-1 G system in 491 AB.

Rotten Arrivals

Due to the construction of a hyperspace port outside of Vardonsted, it was on the Governor's doorstep that a rotten, rotten, rotten Waifurian 'Exploration' fleet arrived in 491 AB, unannounced, with them an army 50,000 strong. The Governor immediately deployed the planetary defense forces around Vardonna, beaming out a message to the foreigners, 'Go Away'.

Well, the Governor recieved a message back from the Waifurian Command- that they came in peace- and sought only to 'explore' and discover 'untapped mineral resources' in the system. The Governor replied with an image of his toenail, a sign of high disrespect in Vardonnen culture, along with a picture of a fully loaded Blampistian artillery gun.

It was immediately following this that BLAMPIST-1 C delegate Muriel Bar'rain called an emergency meeting of the Planetary Council. She reccomended an immediate unconditional surrender to the Waifurian Empire. The Governor laughed in her face- and then BLAMPIST-1 D delegate Ma'orthex reccomended the same.

"Are you insane?" The Governor shrieked, pointing out the window at the Waifurian Star Cruisers, "We can not simply lay down our arms to the alien invaders!"

"They're not invaders," BLAMPIST-1 B delegate Jarrex Klum managed, staring at the floor, "They're here to... liberate us."

"Liberate you?!" The Governor was taken aback, looking frantically around the room. The delegates fidgeted, examined the floor, the ceiling, whispered amongst each other. They seemed anxious... but not at all fearful. Something strange was afoot...

Deceptions

"Role call!" The Governor exclaimed suddenly, veins bulging on his forehead, "On your tongue's honor, which of you knew of these invaders before they arrived?"

The room was still.

"Liars!"

One BLAMPIST-1 E delegate raised his hand. And then another, from D, and then another, from B, and then another, and another, and another, and another. The Governor turned back to the BLAMPIST-1 G delegation. All of them were stone-faced and motionless.

"So you--- you planned this! You were all willing to lay down your lives... lay down your nations... lay down your sovereignty... for what?"

"For freedom," one delegate managed.

The Governor locked eyes with the delegate and crossed his arms. He was still.

BLAMPIST-1 B delegate Jarrex Klum cleared his throat. "On the Warden's honor, I put forth a resolution to immediately demilitarize and join the Waifurian Union-"

"Vetoed." The Governor replied, quietly.

BLAMPIST-1 E delegate stood shakily, "On the Warden's honor, I second the resolution to demilitiarize-"

"Vetoed!" the Governor replied, fists clenched.

A delegate from BLAMPIST-1 C follows suit, "On the Warden's honor, I third the resolution-"

"VETOED!" screamed the Governor, flinging his arms about wildly, "Fucking idiots, vetoed, vetoed, vetoed! All this, just for some fucking sucky-suck from the Waifurian Empire? Some cash, some what else? You'll all be slaves, you'll all be drones. You'll be gentrified, and you'll be cultureless- you'll all be nothing! You'll all be nothing! I mean- I cannot believe... I cannot believe... Alas, I can. I can. Gods damn it, I can."

A dignitary from Vardonna stands- El'ose Vardonna, in fact, The Governor's dear mother. She takes a deep breath, looks to her son, and purses her lips.

"On the Warden's honor, I fourth the resolution to demilitarize-"

"Mother!"

The Governor looked around the room, scanning the eyes of the delegation. He stepped quietly onto the bench, standing face to face with his mother.

"On the Warden's honor..." he murmured, "That's Father's Honor, mother."

El'ose nodded.

"You..." he smiled and shook his head, "have betrayed my Father's name," The Governor took a deep breath. Then his hands snapped upward, closed around El'ose's neck, and cracked it hard. Before anyone could react, the former queen fell to the floor, limp and unconscious.

...

The Blampistian Holy War

"Now then, I hope you insects got that fucking treason out of your systems," The Governor chided, "We won't be fucking surrendering, that's for damned sure." He strode out of the room, leaving his mother's bleeding body on the floor for all to see.

The Blampistian Holy War had begun.

The Waifurian Empire immediately fortified and began illegally settling on BLAMPIST-1 B, BLAMPIST-1 C and BLAMPIST-1 H. The other planets were able fend their attacks off for a while, but the defenselessness of BLAMPIST-1 H and the stormy desert weather on the innermost two planets led to anti-spacecraft missiles being inaccurate or simply unable to take down the hulking Waifurian spacecraft, equipped with stolen Combine technology. The primary military theatre of the Blampisitian Holy War was the southern hemisphere BLAMPIST-1 B, where the Waifurians set up an entire city, named 'New America', right on top of the region's largest sugarmine.

The Governor personally led armies comprised of the systems' various species in land and air battle, holding the line against Waifurian MTO warriors quite well. The Blampers of BLAMPIST-1 D were adept at hijacking and repurposing Waifurian technology, frequently turning advancements such as heat-detecting missile rockets and night vision goggles into weapons. The Fremen, longtime residents of the Arrakian desert, had a home-field advantage over the Waifurians on the battlefield, with their proven desert battle tactics leaving the Waifurians flustered. The line was held, for quite some time, and Waifurian invasions on BLAMPIST-1 C were quickly stomped out. The Governor allowed the Waifurians to construct ports and massive mines on BLAMPIST-1 H, foreseeing a great profit incentive for the BLAMPIST-1 system upon their victory in the war.

By 498 AB, the war had raged for seven years; Blampistia had been razed by a lucky orbital bombardment, but the Vardonnens had taken BLAMPIST-1 H and were using its vast resources to construct weaponry to use on the BLAMPIST-1 B theatre.

Waifurian Blood

During a months-long grueling battle north of New America in the dry season, Waifurian troops, badly outnumbered and injured, fell back en masse back into the city. The Governor, suspecting a victory, but hesitant to be sure, followed, encroaching and surrounding New America. The Blampistian troops surrounded the region and began firing artillery into the civilian centers. The regional magistrate sent a surrender transmission, but The Governor was unable or unwilling to recieve it.

All 10,000 Waifurian settlers were slaughtered in one night by the Blampisitian troops, in a humiliating blow for the Waifurian Empire. The morality of this action was debated among scholars for many years, as some would say that The Governor was defending his people from foreign invaders, while others criticized his slaughter of innocent civilians. But can colonists be innocent civilians? Standing by as their Empire massacres an indigenous people, turning a blind eye to the injustice?

The Mummy was furious.

Mummywrath

Waifurian Naval Commander Rex Vasquez took a deep breath as he kneeled on the floor of the Emperor's Office. The Emperor stood, robed, hands clasped behind his back, glaring down on the officer.

"Commander..." the Mummy's foul breath wheezed out of him, "What of the Vardonnans?"

"We- we've lost contact with New America, your Highness," the Commander managed.

"Is that so... jack?" the Mummy's mouth hung agape, his dentures shining.

"Yes, my lord," the Commander managed, "We think they're all dead." He focused his gaze on the intricate tile floor.

"On your watch," the Mummy reminded the Commander, "On your watch."

"Please, my lord- I did- I did everything I could-"

Two Superpredators emerged from the shadows beyond the Emperor, grabbing each of the Commander's arms.

"This is a big fucking deal, man," the Mummy hissed, shooing the Superpredators out of the office. The androids dragged the commander through the side door, which hissed shut after them. The Mummy sat back down at his desk, clasping his gnarled hands together, and sighed.

The office was sleek and dark, fashioned from dark marble, lit only by blue light. The Mummy's desk sat atop a great pyramidal staircase, around which was a bottomless moat of water. This was his private office, in the Aeternan High Temple, an ancient sacriligous site located deep beneath the Bass Pro Shop Pyramid. The Mummy flicked his blinds up with a finger and gazed out at the Agarthian forests below him.

"J.F. Computer," the Mummy straightened his back in his seat, "Get me Xos."

The Combine Emperor's visage crackled to life on the Mummy's holodisplay.

"Xos, old buddy... " The Mummy mumbled, "How the hell are ya?"

"Emperor Biden," Xos was cold, stilted, as his voice translator chopped to life, "On what honor do I recieve your audience?"

"Solar System #42014591B, Quadrant IX2210, Serraine Spiral," the Mummy flicked a hologram of a battle-ravaged BLAMPIST-1 B up onto the holomonitor between them, "You got intel?"

"Not for free," Xos crossed his metallic arms, his voice wheezing.

"What's the price?" Mummy drummed his fingers on the desk.

"10 billion credits."

The Mummy shook his head.

"I'm thinking real estate."

The Combine Emperor cocked his head.

"But the Washington Accords, the Great War-" he began.

"The war was hundreds of years ago, Jack," the Mummy growled, "The treaty is ancient history. I'm offering you one hell of a deal, bucko, so I suggest you fucking take it."

Xos gazed into Biden's eyes.

"End the suffering, Emperor," Xos said, "End your colonial adventures and return your people to your home, where you belong."

"Hush up."

"I'm quite serious," Xos was stiff.

" T-t-the intel, Xos," the Mummy's hands shook, "Just- I order you, I'm- you know- I order you, come on, give me your intel."

Xos shook his head.

"Sooner or later, Mr. Biden, your actions will catch up to you," Xos' hologram flickered- a pale flash- and back to Xos- "I suggest you revert course, before the consequences become... unbearable."

The hologram cut out.

"Damn it!" The Mummy smashed his fist onto his desk, shattering the glass. His hand was unharmed. He phoned another contact- this one on Ghetsin 3- and prepared to leave a holgram message.

The Mummy cleared his throat, and began reading a pre-recorded message from a teleprompter, "Calling all Warshippers- Weapons of Legumish Destruction have been spotted in the BLAMPIST-1 System!"

The Cavalry

The Governor surveyed the smoldering wreckage of New America, kicking aside singed MTO armor and weapons. He ordered his men to secure the perimeter, and the Blampers set up a forcefield.

"It seems you've achieved that freedom you hoped for," the Governor stated amusedly to his Blampistian cohorts. The dunes were quiet, the battle won.

Until...

a single fighter jet streaked through the sky, subwoofer bass echoing over the desert sands. The pilot lithely weaved between Blampistian air and space forces, firing volleys of artillery down on the ground and up into the sky, rocketing waves of red explosions through the ranks. The Blampistian soldiers scattered, panicking. The fighter was followed by a single star cruiser, which touched down atop the ruins of the City Hall.

"To your stations, men!" The Governor yelled, "Ready, ready, do not scare! The day is not lost yet!"

But even the Governor felt his heart sink as he watched the Warshippers emerging from the cruiser, their brows angry, hands brimming with Legumish flame, dozens upon dozens upon dozens, laying siege to his men, laying siege to the Blampistians, terrorizing them with a power they could not understand and could never wield themselves. The Warshippers blasted beams of green fire over the Blampistians, whose armor proved impermeable to the Waifurian onslaught. They fell like dominos to the grandeur of the Legume.

From the front of the group emerged a bald, olive-skinned man, whose hands glowed lime green and whose eyes were bright with fury.

"How dare you!" Supreme Warshipper Francis Merrigold bellowed, firing a blast of fire towards the Governor's chest, "How dare you threaten our Holiness?"

The Governor fell backwards into the sand, his breath knocked out of him, his chest skin burned and his shirt torn open. Vision blurry, gaze spotty, he watched as the lone fighter jet touched down in the field across from him. Warshippers immolated the soldiers around them, piling their bodies into green bonfires, screaming about the 'Weapons of Legumish Destruction'.

A glimmering figure bearing a katana emerged from the fighter's cockpit, and advanced slowly towards the Governor. The Governor braced himself, taking a deep breath, preparing himself frantically to say goodbye to life. He watched the blade's edge- the Katana glowed green with Legumish energies. The Governor shuddered, stories of the merciless General Hernia racing through his brain.

But the figure came into focus; a bearded, kindly man, with long dark hair and a number '5' sprawled across his chestplate.

"Hello, Vladimir," The Five Warden said, extending a hand, "It's nice to meet you, son."

The Governor stared up at the Five Warden in shock, hands burnt and cut in the sand.

"F-father?"

"Come and sit with me, son," The Five Warden said, "Let's leave this place."

A man in a suit, emerging from nowhere, opened a white doorway in front of a pile of Blampistian bodies, beckoning the Governor inside.

"It's time to choose, my dear," the suited man said. The Governor, dazed, took the Five Warden's hand, struggling to his feet. His father nodded, understandingly. The carnage around the Governor seemed to quiet, for a moment.

"Eyes straight ahead, son," the Five Warden reassured him, "The Legume tells us you will be quite a promising student."

Through the white door, The Governor could see a small bean, perched on a pedestal in an ornate purple room. It was alluring, mystifying. It spoke to him.

"Come, become one with the Legume," it whispered, "Come, become one with glory."

But the Governor could not.

"You're- you're monsters," he managed, turning away from the white door.

The man in the suit, a stern look spread across his face, vanished into thin air. The Five Warden's face melted into dust, his body disintegrating into Legumish ash. An illusion. Francis Merrigold and piles of dead Blampistian soldiers remained.

"Monsters?" Francis Merrigold was taken aback, "We are servants of the Legume- servants of the Employers. We guarantee the sanctity of the Omniversal Destiny. And you - you seek to usurp it."

"I don't even know what you're talking about," the Governor shook his head frantically, "What, that bean? Is that what this is all about? That fucking bean?"

Francis narrowed his eyes.

"Don't play coy with me, boy. I have seen your schemes- seen your plans. I know what you people want to do to us."

"Do to you? We don't even know you!"

Francis shook his head.

"Load them onto the ship!" Francis called, "We're taking them in for questioning."

"No, you're not." The Governor replied, "We're not leaving. This is our planet. This is our land."

"We'll see about that," Francis snapped, turning and walking back towards the ship. The starfighter, pilotless, sat ajar.

"You know what, maybe I do surrender," The Governor said, "Okay, maybe i do surrender. You've shown me how much power you have... to decieve, to cast illusions. And hey, after all, that was some pretty impressive flying earlier... say, is that artificial intelligence?"

Francis paused.

"It's an algorithm trained on the best Star Pilot in the Omniverse. I assume I don't need to say his name?"

"General Rick Hernia," The Governor feigned surprise, "How impressive!"

My dearies, allow me to remind you that our dear Governor was part Ig Serroid. Although he avoided tapping into his dimension-warping abilities, he saw no other way out of this particular pickle. And so, in a rare instance of Ig-Serroid-Sanctioned Timefracture Activity, The Governor sought to break time.

Timefracture

Timefracture Alpha

The Governor erected a time crystal around the entirety of BLAMPIST-1 B, compressing spacetime inside into a funnel, and inverted it- sending the Warshippers and Francis moving in reverse back onto the transport. He resurrected the deceased Blampistian soldiers, flicked his fingers upwards and resurrected the civilians of New America- although not their city- and the MTO Soldiers. He and his men surrounded and handcuffed the time-frozen Waifurians, crammed them onto the Warshippers' spaceship, and inverted spacetime around that vessel, too; sending it blasting back towards Ghetsin 3 and out of the BLAMPIST-1 B Time Crystal.

And then the Governor retracted his timefracture and collapsed into the desert sand, as Blampistians rushed to his aid. His vision faded, the burning orange light of BLAMPIST-1 filling his vision.

Time

The Governor awoke in a vast, dark void. A massive blue 5 sprawled out below him, and opposite him a man in a dark robe stood. Wispy, unfathomably large creatures, ghostlike and surreal, twisted and weaved out of view, clipping out of reality- these were Ig Serroid.

"Father?" The Governor called, at the silhouette across from him, "Father, is that truly you?"

The figure turned, bearded, wisened, with dark hair, holding a dark blue Five, and nodded.

"My son..." The Five Warden said. The Governor began towards the Five Warden, but felt the surface under his feet slipping, sliding, Ig Serroid consoling, scolding, frowning upon him. And The Governor felt heavy... his body felt so heavy... so that when he ran, each leg felt like lead, each movement felt like moving a thousand suns, until he collapsed at his father's feet, straining to stare up at him.

The Five Warden looked down at the Governor with hollow, empty eye sockets. Worms crawled between his orifices. With rotted teeth, the Warden smiled.

"Welcome home, my child."

An Ig Serroid spectre exploded at the Governor, passing through his body. It was then the Governor realized the tremendous weight he was feeling- as this Serroid entered his soul, smashing his jaw against the pavement, cracking the foundation of the 5 beneath.

"Please... no...' The Governor wheezed, but it was too late. He lay with his back against the five, eyes staring up at the endless cosmos above, at a distant, barely visable ghost, an impossible outline... a nothing, watching.

Ig Serroid continued funnelling into the Governor, until 42 of them had squeezed themselves into the Governor's three-dimensional body.

The Employer Chraunor watched on, arms folded, beside him a haggard, cloaked figure, wheezing, breathing heavily.

"For abuse of the Ig Serroid Timesplice, you are sentenced to 8,000 years Ig Serroid Torture," Chraunor announced, smashing a gavel on the court of time's dais.

"Unfortunate..." the cloaked figure beside Chraunor wheezed, "I do apologize humbly. I will never- I could never, again"

The cloak withdrew, revealing an older, more wizened Governor, freshly free of Ig Serroidal occupation.

"Good, child," Chraunor boomed, "If you do, your people will pay the cost of your insolence. Now, return to your home. BLAMPIST-1 needs you."

The Governor stepped towards the Exit, but Chraunor called him back.

"And Governor?"

"Yes?"

"You will accept Waifurian Occupation."

The Governor balled his fists.

"Must I?"

Chraunor nodded.

"For now."

Epilogue

And thus, the Governor plummetted back to BLAMPIST-1 G, crashing through the Port Vordonnen parking garage, and collapsing onto the ground.

"Oh my god!" People shrieked, surrounding the Governor's body, "Is that really him?"

The Governor sprung up, brushing dust and debris off of his chest.

"I have been granted a second lease on life," The Governor declared, checking his Timewatch. 8,498 AB. "Now- where is the palace?"

"Palace?" a young boy tilted his head, "You mean the Waifurian Embassy?"

The Governor followed the boy's gaze over the horizon, towards the magnificent dome of his grandparents' first structure, built tens of millions of years ago- at the top of which flew now a billowing, unquestionably, all-encompassing Waifurian Banner. There never was any battle to fight, he realized, staring out at the clouds. He had always been doomed to lose.