Joe Biden’s Dog Days

The Mummy yelling at construction workers who complained that the ongoing Civil War was causing them delays.

Slip and Fall

Joe Biden’s final ten years in office, from 20,022 AB to 20,032 AB, were a period of steep decline for the Waifurian Empire.

One hot summer day, The Mummy slipped on a small ice cube in the Bass Pro Pyramid parking lot, and severely fractured his skull. He was given a cybernetic brain implant which monitored his vital signs and stabilized his rapidly degenerating body.

Steep Decline

For the first time since the Glue Factory Incident, the Mummy began aging- rapidly. Biden’s years were finally catching up to him, after his “fatal” accident killed him.

You read that right, it killed him.

However, since he contained so much unbridled energy from the Legume and the Great Maga King, he was unscathed by death. He simply got up from his fall and continued walking around without a pulse. After his brain surgery, many of his top scientists questioned why he was still sentient and breathing without a heartbeat. The Mummy reportedly interjected to them that “I am immortal, i will burn in hell, jack- look- I fucking- dick dynasty- duck dynasty.”

The View From Halfway Down

In his new zombo-cybertronic state, Joe Biden’s mental health severely declined (even more so than it already had been). He began asking aides questions about the Great META War, seemingly believing it was still actively occurring. Conversely, he appeared entirely unaware of the ongoing Andromedan Conflict that was the Great META War 2, a war he himself had single-handedly orchestrated several decades prior.

His mind rotting and his sense of time slipping into nothingness, Joe Biden began drawing battle maps and sending Waifurian troops to Waifurian settlements. He ordered them to fire on other Waifurian soldiers, claiming that the opposing side was ‘pulling the wool over us’. Several thousand Waifurian troops were killed in this fashion.

Waifurian Civil War

Biden continued sending Waifurian Troops to already-conquered Waifurian territories. He orchestrated the Waifurian Civil War, a three year conflict which pitted the Waifurian Army against the Waifurian Navy in a nasty, gruesome intergalactic battle. Over one million Waifurian troops died in this conflict. The Scorched Cock Policy was employed by both sides, resulting in a massive influx of patients in Emergency Rooms across the galaxies.

The Mummy visiting a nursing home, where he belonged.

The Civil War ended when Vice Emperor Marvin Fluxton was able to convince Biden that the war was cutting off the supply of his favorite ice cream, Chocolate Chocolate Chip. Biden was outraged by this, screaming ‘How could they do this to the President of Delaware?” before confiscating every spoon in the Waifurian Empire as ‘collateral’.

The Oddities

After the Civil War, Fluxton and several Waifurian military commanders began planning a coup. They convinced the Mummy to remain in his chambers for weeks on end, while they reorganized and prepared the empire for a regime change.

While in quarantine, Biden began collecting ‘trinkets’ in a large plastic bucket in his quarters. These trinkets included:

Human Skull

40 (Forty) spools of cyan thread

Mummified clownfish

Xen Crystals (4 kg)

3 bags of expired J.F. Sweets YummCorn

Plutonium (2 kg)

Human fecal matter (10 kg)

Full can of Mountain Dew (3x)

Human Collarbone

Biden’s basket was nearly full on the day Marvin Fluxton assassinated him by launching him into Alpha Centauri B. The Basket was put on display at the Waifurian Natural History Museum at Memphis as a reminder of the Mummy’s great legacy.