Hank Schrader

"Sometimes, the forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest."

Hank Schrader was a DEA Agent who worked within the city of Albuquerque, New Mexico, fighting the rampant gang violence and cartel activities which plagued the area. After his death, his corpse served as Grand Chim Ding King of the Plutonian Soullean Zombie Hoodluck Chim Ding Factorium.

Early Life

Hank was born and raised in the city of Albuquerque, New Mexico, by his parents Regina and Blathersby. Blathersby was a police officer, and, when his son Hank was old enough, he began bringing him along to drug stings. Hank was fascinated by this, and desired strongly to follow in his father's footstep (Blathersby had only one foot, so we felt in innappropriate to write 'footsteps').

High School Crush

Hank met his wife, and lifelong romantic partner, Marie Lambert (later, Schrader), when he attended High School. In Chemistry class, Hank and Marie were partners, and Hank was fascinated by her bizarre obsession with purple. Hank made her a Prom Sign on purple construction paper, and Marie happily accepted. The two attended prom, and fell deeply in love with one another.

Hank Schrader
Aliases	ASAC Schrader Ballsack Schrader (Derogatory) Grand Chim Ding Zombie King
Relatives	Marie Schrader (Wife) Skyler White (Sister-in-law) Walter White (Brother-in-law) Regina Schrader (Mother) Blathersby Schrader (Father)
Affiliation	Federal Bureau of Investigations - FBI - (US) Drug Enforcement Agency - DEA - (US) Bureau of Drug Solicitation and Misuse - BDSM- (WE) Plutonian Soullean Zombie Hoodluck Chim Ding Factorium - SZHCDF - Unaligned
Occupation	Special Agent ASAC
Biographical information
Marital status	Marie Schrader, m. 32 B.B.
Date of birth	March 1, 54 BB
Place of birth	Albuquerque, New Mexico
Date of death	November 6th, 5 AB
Place of death	Albuquerque Black Hole Cluster
Physical description
Species	Human
Gender	Male
Height	5'10
Weight	201 lbs
Eye color	Hazel
Appearances

Great META War

Unfortunately for the couple, the Grand Factorium of tremendous death and suffering, the Great META War, was occurring simultaneously with their whirlwind romance. Hank made the difficult decision not to enter the war as an American Soldier, wishing instead to have a chance at living out a normal life with his soulmate. Unfortunately, the American Military Complex disagreed with him, and he was drafted and placed under the command of General Reggie Fils-Aime.

Fils-Aime and his battalion were deployed to the eastern border of Indiana, and began a vicious campaign to reach the city of Columbus, the heart of Combine-aligned breakaway country, Ohio. This began the Invasion of Ohio, which would last nearly fifteen years.

Nuclear Pumpkin Factorium

By early 21 B.B, the weary troops of Reggie Fils-Aime, who had been fighting the seemingly limitless plague of Combine forces for nearly fifteen years, had finally breached the perimeter of Columbus. Unfortunately for them, the vile Corporal Wallace Breen and his wretched Scorched Cock Policy awaited them beyond the city walls. 400 American troops were slaughtered and tortured by the Combine in this fashion.

Hank stood in the midst of his screaming and writhing comrades, whose appendages had been grilled like the popular American hot dog food. He watched over thirty of his friends die within five minutes.

General Fils-Aime ordered a full retreat, and the U.S. soldiers held a rendezvous in Cleveland. After consulting with U.S. President Bill Clinton, as well as the Chairman of the Board, James Fuck, Reggie made the difficult decision to deploy Jezebel's homegrown Nuclear Pumpkin.

Reggie may have made the order, but Hank was the man who pressed the button.

The light from the explosion was said to have been seen on the Moon. Corporal Wallace Breen, as well as millions of other life forms, both American and Combine aligned, perished in this terrible tragedy.

Return to Albuquerque

Hank was discharged honorably by the Board of Waifuria for his bravery after this severely traumatic event, as were the rest of General Fils-Aime's men. Hank returned home to Albuquerque with severe PTSD and traumatic memories.

Severe Trauma

Hank was not the same man he had been when he'd gone into war, fifteen years ago. When Marie asked him to dinner, he declined, not wanting her to see what had become of him. He called her and told her that she should find someone else to love.

Hank fell into a deep depression. He watched the news of the ongoing, ceaseless war and suffering, and wondered to himself, what had he accomplished? He had fought for fifteen years to reach Columbus, only to run away and use a weapon which ended the lives of millions of people. Hank saw himself as an accessory to each and every one of these murders.

When Reggie paraded around the country giving speeches about their valiant efforts, preaching his delivery of 'Justice', Hank was disgusted. This was not justice. This was bloodshed.

Marie Schrader was intent on getting Hank Back... no matter the risks...

The Legends of The Old Gods

Marie was not giving up on the love of her life so easily. After trying several times to contact Hank, and recieving no response, Marie grew desperate. Poring over ancient scriptures from America Aeterna, Marie educated herself on the powers and abilities of the Old Gods.

Marie became obsessed with ancient divine history. She read legends about Onmoh Sab, Ordonis, and Zha Toh. She spent hours in the Albuquerque Public Library, poring over websites and texts to gain a complete understanding of the Divines. She was ridiculed by the librarians and other patrons, who told her she was getting too obsessed with 'old wives' tales'. Marie paid them no mind.

In 15 BB, she spent three weeks in the library, from dawn till dusk, only stopping to attend her sister Skyler's wedding. Marie drove this hour-long journey each and every day, with only the advertisement-plagued radio station to keep her company. Eventually, after her thorough research, Marie had almost assembled a complete picture of the Divine Omniversal History, deeply impressing the Employers, who watched from afar.

Marie noticed a strange gap in Omniversal history, from 240 to 239 BB. No matter where she searched, she could find no information on the history of the Gods during this time. She found mention of a divine 'Dragon of Time', which intrigued her. Using the Tor browser, Marie looked up "how to summon Akatosh". Marie suspected that whoever or whatever this entity might be, it could help her fix her husband.

Draconic Ritual

Marie performed the ritual in her garage, and, sure enough, a golden visage of Chraunor, the Supreme Diety of Time, appeared before her. Chraunor told her he sympathized with her struggles, but he could unfortunately not alter anything unless a Time Crime was committed. Marie then asked Chraunor what the gods were doing in 240 BB, and she was promptly arrested and brought to the Celestial Court of Time for this violent offense (the Destruction of Old Earth was a forbidden subject of discussion for mortals).

Better Call Saul!

Chraunor informed Marie that she was facing a life sentence in Outervoid Penitentiary, and then informed of her rights in the Court of Time, of which there were very few: she could speak, and she could defend herself. That was all. Marie asked for a lawyer, to which Chraunor begrudgingly obliged. Remembering the commercials she'd heard on the long drives to and from the Albuquerque library, Marie immediately rushed to Chraunor's payphone and dialed the offices of Saul Goodman and Associates.

Chraunor rolled his omniquasent eyes, and teleported Saul Goodman to the courtroom.

No written records are kept of the proceedings of the Court of Time, however Saul managed to reduce Marie's sentence from a life sentence to four months Planetary Probation, no time served. Additionally, Chraunor owed Marie seven million dollars in damages, as well as a Divine Reset on Hank Schrader. Saul exclaimed "Divine Justice has been served!", before Chraunor brought him back to Albuquerque. It is unknown how Saul Goodman internally dealt with being brought before an omnidimensional celestial time god.

Divine Justice

Hank awoke in Marie's bed on April 3rd, 15 BB, with a completely fresh life. He was exactly the same mentally as he'd been before he went off to the war.

Things get a little touchy here, so please stick with us. When Chraunor reset Hank, he altered the memories of Hank, as well as Hank's life. Hank believed he'd always been a DEA Agent- and so did everyone else, apart from Marie, who remembered everything that had happened. The reality was, however, that he'd never been a DEA agent. Hank and everyone in his life remembered attending his and Marie's wedding- but that never happened, either. False memories were implanted into the minds of everyone close to Hank, so as to tie up loose ends from the Divine Reset.

Hank and Marie were finally happy together, and Hank never knew it any other way.