Hank Schrader

"Sometimes, the forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest."

Hank Schrader was a DEA Agent who worked within the city of Albuquerque, New Mexico, fighting the rampant gang violence and cartel activities which plagued the area. After his death, his corpse served as Grand Chim Ding King of the Plutonian Soullean Zombie Hoodluck Chim Ding Factorium.

Early Life

Hank was born and raised in the city of Albuquerque, New Mexico, by his parents Regina and Blathersby. Blathersby was a police officer, and, when his son Hank was old enough, he began bringing him along to drug stings. Hank was fascinated by this, and desired strongly to follow in his father's footstep (Blathersby had only one foot, so we felt in innappropriate to write 'footsteps').

High School Crush

Hank met his wife, and lifelong romantic partner, Marie Lambert (later, Schrader), when he attended High School. In Chemistry class, Hank and Marie were partners, and Hank was fascinated by her bizarre obsession with purple. Hank made her a Prom Sign on purple construction paper, and Marie happily accepted. The two attended prom, and fell deeply in love with one another.

Hank Schrader
Aliases	ASAC Schrader Ballsack Schrader (Derogatory) Grand Chim Ding Zombie King
Relatives	Marie Schrader (Wife) Skyler White (Sister-in-law) Walter White (Brother-in-law) Regina Schrader (Mother) Blathersby Schrader (Father)
Affiliation	Federal Bureau of Investigations - FBI - (US) Drug Enforcement Agency - DEA - (US) Bureau of Drug Solicitation and Misuse - BDSM- (WE) Plutonian Soullean Zombie Hoodluck Chim Ding Factorium - SZHCDF - Unaligned
Occupation	Special Agent ASAC
Biographical information
Marital status	Marie Schrader, m. 32 B.B.
Date of birth	March 1, 54 BB
Place of birth	Albuquerque, New Mexico
Date of death	November 6th, 35 AB
Place of death	West Valley, New York
Physical description
Species	Human
Gender	Male
Height	5'10
Weight	201 lbs
Eye color	Hazel
Appearances

Great META War

Unfortunately for the couple, the Grand Factorium of tremendous death and suffering, the Great META War, was occurring simultaneously with their whirlwind romance. Hank made the difficult decision not to enter the war as an American Soldier, wishing instead to have a chance at living out a normal life with his soulmate. Unfortunately, the American Military Complex disagreed with him, and he was drafted and placed under the command of General Reggie Fils-Aime.

Fils-Aime and his battalion were deployed to the eastern border of Indiana, and began a vicious campaign to reach the city of Columbus, the heart of Combine-aligned breakaway country, Ohio. This began the Invasion of Ohio, which would last nearly fifteen years.

Nuclear Pumpkin Factorium

By early 21 B.B, the weary troops of Reggie Fils-Aime, who had been fighting the seemingly limitless plague of Combine forces for nearly fifteen years, had finally breached the perimeter of Columbus. Unfortunately for them, the vile Corporal Wallace Breen and his wretched Scorched Cock Policy awaited them beyond the city walls. 400 American troops were slaughtered and tortured by the Combine in this fashion.

Hank stood in the midst of his screaming and writhing comrades, whose appendages had been grilled like the popular American hot dog food. He watched over thirty of his friends die within five minutes.

General Fils-Aime ordered a full retreat, and the U.S. soldiers held a rendezvous in Cleveland. After consulting with U.S. President Bill Clinton, as well as the Chairman of the Board, James Fuck, Reggie made the difficult decision to deploy Jezebel's homegrown Nuclear Pumpkin.

Reggie may have made the order, but Hank was the man who pressed the button.

The light from the explosion was said to have been seen on the Moon. Corporal Wallace Breen, as well as millions of other life forms, both American and Combine aligned, perished in this terrible tragedy.

Return to Albuquerque

Hank was discharged honorably by the Board of Waifuria for his bravery after this severely traumatic event, as were the rest of General Fils-Aime's men. Hank returned home to Albuquerque with severe PTSD and traumatic memories.

Severe Trauma

Hank was not the same man he had been when he'd gone into war, fifteen years ago. When Marie asked him to dinner, he declined, not wanting her to see what had become of him. He called her and told her that she should find someone else to love.

Hank fell into a deep depression. He watched the news of the ongoing, ceaseless war and suffering, and wondered to himself, what had he accomplished? He had fought for fifteen years to reach Columbus, only to run away and use a weapon which ended the lives of millions of people. Hank saw himself as an accessory to each and every one of these murders.

When Reggie paraded around the country giving speeches about their valiant efforts, preaching his delivery of 'Justice', Hank was disgusted. This was not justice. This was bloodshed.

Marie Schrader was intent on getting Hank Back... no matter the risks...

The Legends of The Old Gods

Marie was not giving up on the love of her life so easily. After trying several times to contact Hank, and recieving no response, Marie grew desperate. Poring over ancient scriptures from America Aeterna, Marie educated herself on the powers and abilities of the Old Gods.

Marie became obsessed with ancient divine history. She read legends about Onmoh Sab, Ordonis, and Zha Toh. She spent hours in the Albuquerque Public Library, poring over websites and texts to gain a complete understanding of the Divines. She was ridiculed by the librarians and other patrons, who told her she was getting too obsessed with 'old wives' tales'. Marie paid them no mind.

In 15 BB, she spent three weeks in the library, from dawn till dusk, only stopping to attend her sister Skyler's wedding. Marie drove this hour-long journey each and every day, with only the advertisement-plagued radio station to keep her company. Eventually, after her thorough research, Marie had almost assembled a complete picture of the Divine Omniversal History, deeply impressing the Employers, who watched from afar.

Marie noticed a strange gap in Omniversal history, from 240 to 239 BB. No matter where she searched, she could find no information on the history of the Gods during this time. She found mention of a divine 'Dragon of Time', which intrigued her. Using the Tor browser, Marie looked up "how to summon Akatosh". Marie suspected that whoever or whatever this entity might be, it could help her fix her husband.

Draconic Ritual

Marie performed the ritual in her garage, and, sure enough, a golden visage of Chraunor, the Supreme Diety of Time, appeared before her. Chraunor told her he sympathized with her struggles, but he could unfortunately not alter anything unless a Time Crime was committed. Marie then asked Chraunor what the gods were doing in 240 BB, and she was promptly arrested and brought to the Celestial Court of Time for this violent offense (the Destruction of Old Earth was a forbidden subject of discussion for mortals).

Better Call Saul!

Chraunor informed Marie that she was facing a life sentence in Outervoid Penitentiary, and then informed of her rights in the Court of Time, of which there were very few: she could speak, and she could defend herself. That was all. Marie asked for a lawyer, to which Chraunor begrudgingly obliged. Remembering the commercials she'd heard on the long drives to and from the Albuquerque library, Marie immediately rushed to Chraunor's payphone and dialed the offices of Saul Goodman and Associates.

Chraunor rolled his omniquasent eyes, and teleported Saul Goodman to the courtroom.

No written records are kept of the proceedings of the Court of Time, however Saul managed to reduce Marie's sentence from a life sentence to four months Planetary Probation, no time served. Additionally, Chraunor owed Marie seven million dollars in damages, as well as a Divine Reset on Hank Schrader. Saul exclaimed "Divine Justice has been served!", before Chraunor brought him back to Albuquerque. It is unknown how Saul Goodman internally dealt with being brought before an omnidimensional celestial time god.

Divine Justice

Hank awoke in Marie's bed on April 3rd, 15 BB, with a completely fresh life. He was exactly the same mentally as he'd been before he went off to the war.

Things get a little touchy here, so please stick with us. When Chraunor reset Hank's life, he also altered the memories of Hank and everyone in Albuquerque. Hank believed he'd always been a DEA Agent- and so did everyone else (apart from Marie, who remembered everything that had happened). The reality was, however, that Hank had never been a DEA agent, until April 3, 15 BB.

Hank and everyone in his life remembered attending his wedding to Marie- but that never happened, either. False memories were implanted into the minds of everyone close to Hank, so as to tie up loose ends from the Divine Reset.

Hank and Marie were finally happy together, and Hank never knew it any other way.

Unforeseen Consequences

Cat and Mouse Years

Hank spent the next several years busting low-level criminals in the Albuquerque area. Hank and the DEA began investigating reports of a mysterious Blue Pseudo-Meth, which had similar psychadelic properties to Xen crystals, but resembled the hard drug in every other way. Eventually, Hank tracked down the car of a dealer known as Krazy-8, and found the blue meth inside of it. This began what would be Hank's life's work- hunting down and capturing the elusive 'Heisenberg', the chef of this mysterious drug.

Unbeknownst to Hank, Heisenberg was none other than his brother-in-law, Walter White.

Screwing the Priory Of Cock

Hank Schrader was instrumental in taking down the heinous sex-cult and chicken trafficking front, the Priory of Cock in 2 BB. After destroying the Primary Cock-Pound, and the unfortunate demise of Uncle Dick, the chicken trafficking of Albuquerque slowed to a halt. However, a new player always steps up to bat, and Gustavo Fring, a drug kingpin and owner of the Los Pollos Hermanos franchise, soon became the primary provider of crystal meth and chicken in the American (and soon Waifurian) southwest.

Black Hole Cluster Factorium

Hank was hot on the tail of Heisenberg and Fring, but his research was suddenly and violently interrupted by the grand convulsions of the Albuquerque area as a result of the Glue Factory Incident in 1 AB. The Albuquerque Black Hole Cluster soon formed, and the DEA was forced to relocate their offices so as to not be consumed by the erroneous supervacuums.

Bizarre occurrences began plaguing the DEA offices. These would only become more frequent as time went on. Once, a large sapphire, roughly the size of a small bus, appeared in the women's bathroom. Another time, a Bwemer gunship was found lodged into the second-story floor. Despite all of this, Hank insisted that work continue on the Heisenberg investigation.

Black Mesa Investigations

The Waifurian Police opened an investigation into the Black Mesa Research Facility after the Glue Factory Incident, and many within the new administration claimed that Black Mesa was responsible for both the Portland Oregon Factorium and the Black Hole Factorium, citing their previous dangerous anomalous experiments. Hank was dispatched to the facility, as the representative and voice for the people of Albuquerque, and began a thorough investigation of each and every room and staff member at Black Mesa.

Hank became particularly interest with a certain Dr. Isaac Kleiner, who was fidgeting and mumbling about 'Llamar". When Hank pressed him, he broke immediately, confessing that he was being paid to cook meth but that he hadn't in several years. Hank arrested him and sent him back to Albuquerque for detainment, but remained in Black Mesa searching for more clues. Unfortunately, Kleiner was the only link he would find.

Kleiner revealed nothing in his interrogation, other than confirming that he worked for a 'businessman' and a 'genius scientist', the latter of whom he referred to as Heisenberg. Hank knew he was hot on the trail of the criminals, and amped up the DEA investigation.

Hank Figures it Out

In 5 AB, while at a family dinner party, Hank excused himself to use the restroom. He sat down on the toilet and opened a copy of 'The Mysteries of Xen', which was signed by none other than Isaac Kleiner. Hank immediately realized that Walt, his own brother-in-law, had been Heisenberg all along. For over a decade, Walt had listened to him complaining about the elusive Heisenberg- only to have been right under his nose, the entire time.

Let Justice Be Done, Though the Heavens Fall

Hank excused himself and, leaving Marie at the White house, immediately drove home. Paralyzed with fear and confusion, Hank began hallucinating, and his pre-Divine Reset PTSD started seeping through Chraunor's diminishing veil of illusion. Hank floored the gas pedal, in a state of total and complete panic. Through his confusion, he decided to drive to the DEA office to gather Agents to arrest Walt- but he drove to the old location, which had become inhabited by a mutated Querrian Oilfish. When Hank saw this beast, he slammed on the breaks and turned violently to the left, rolling his car in the process.

Hank clambered out of the vehicle to find himself face to face with Walter White. Walter was crying. He told Hank he was sorry, he was so so sorry, and a muscular hand grabbed Walter and threw him to the side.

Mike Ehrmantraut stood towering over Hank, in his newly acquired Glue Form. Gustavo Fring stood nearby. Walter was on his knees, watching with fear in his eyes. Several other henchmen stood around the car crash.

"Walter... this man may be your family. But he is a threat to our business. I need him neutralized.' Gus said, stepping towards Hank. He held a box cutter in his hand. Walter begged Gus not to do it; he pleaded with him to let Hank go. Gus ignored him. Mike grabbed Walter with one giant Glue Form hand, and covered Walter's mouth with his thumb. "Walter... put your mouth away, Walter. This is not up for debate, Walter.", He said.

Hank's entire life flashed before his eyes; he remembered his brothers in the Great META War; the love of his parents, and, most of all, his beloved Marie.

"My name is ASAC Schrader. And you can go fuck yourself". Hank said to Gus, in what he thought would be his final words. Gus opened his mouth to reply, but was suddenly shot backwards by a beam of draconic light.

The New Dragonborn

Marie, having sensed Hank's incredible peril from the dining room, had focused all of her might to channel the powers of the Old Gods she had read about all those years ago. She felt an odd tingle in her palm- and heard a voice in her head- "The power of Akatosh is with you".

Marie rose from her chair in the dining room, with golden beams of divine light streaming violently from her body. She smashed through the ceiling and traveled to Hank. When she arrived at the scene, she shot two massive golden beams of light into Gus and Mike. Mike, being in his thinly-stretched Glue Form, was dissolved instantly. Gus survived, but was in severe pain. Several of the henchmen grabbed Gus and rushed him to a car, but Marie, calling on the powers of the Nine Divines, let loose a terrible fiery shout from her mouth, vaporizing Fring and the henchmen instantly.

In this moment, the Employers realized, with great confusion, that Marie Schrader was the Dragonborn (they had not planned for this).

Marie turned to Walter, and grabbed him with a divine golden tendril. "Why don't you kill yourself, Walt?" She asked in a supersonic roar. She then threw him into the sky. Walter White crash-landed in northern Europe, where a group of vortigaunts would begin to rebuild him.

Epilogue

Hank and Marie lived out a happy marriage for the rest of their days (although, far, far away from Albuquerque). Hank passed away peacefully of natural causes in 35 AB, and Marie rose to the status of God of Purple, and traveled the Omniverse as the Final Dragonborn, eventually settling on Nirn, where she was known as the Allmother of Tamriel. She drew on Alduin's essence to destroy criminals, drug dealers, and librarians who made fun of people.