BLAMPIST-1 G

BLAMPIST-1 G

BLAMPIST-1 G (Vardonna) was an arid world covered in dunes of sodium chloride (salt) and a subterrenean ocean, lush with aquatic plants and creatures. The sixth and most populous planet of the BLAMPIST-1 system, it was home to around 10 billion humash who referred to themselves as 'Vardonnens'. The Vardonnens settled BLAMPIST-1 G in the 15,000,000s BB. This is the story of their world...

First Settlement

The history of Vardonna was a tale passed down for eons through generations of Vardonnens. Legend goes that in the year 55,555,555 BB, when the Milky Way was young, BLAMPIST-1 aligned perfectly with then-medium sized black hole Sagittarius A. The seven planets, many still brewing with liquid surfaces and doomed moons, were locked, for a moment, in a perfect line pointing toward the Milky Way's core. Directly opposite BLAMPIST-1, on the far side of Sagittarius A, was another seven-planet solar system, which also aligned with the black hole. It was said that in honor of the beauty and splendor of this occassion that the Gods delivered from a white portal two humash; a man, Mada, and another man, Evan.

In these days, Vardonna was a dark water world; churning with tropical storms and monumental winds. Its poles were frigid blizzard vortexi, and its equator was a volcanic hotspot.

However, when the humash descended from the heavens, Mada carried by Father Snow, and Evan by Ed Wool, the planet's climate immediately stabilized; equalized across its entire surface, due to the harmonious duality of Mada, the masculine, and Eve, the feminine. Vardonna adopted a universal surface temperature of 69 degrees Fahrenheit, the perfect temperature for humash to thrive. And thrive they did.

Child

After five days on the surface of BLAMPIST-1 G, the young humash awoke one morning to find an infant nestled in the salt dunes outside their home. This infant held in the palms of his hands a seemingly innocuous number '5', and babbled incoherently at Mada and Evan. This boy, who they named Cha'ril Vardonna, would become quite the influential figure.

As Mada and Evan raised their new progeny, they developed their homestead. As generations passed and their family expanded, the homestead grew into a large settlement, Vardonsted. Humash were, unless physically wounded, immortal, and thusly the family expanded at an exponential rate. Cha'ril exhibited great affinity and connection with the Legume, one of the first Omniversal beings to do so. Each night he would point up at the sky, toward the brightest two stars in the sky. At first, Mada and Evan were mystified by this action. However, with the advent of astronomy, they discovered that Cha'ril was pointing toward two stars- encircled by four planets- this being the Ghetsin-Todd system.

Maturroids

Cha'ril reached maturity after 555 years, as was foreseen by Ig Serroid Lower Dimensional Surveillance Unit #2210. By this point, Vardonsted was the largest population center in the BLAMPIST-1 system. Mada and Evan had retired to a ranch over the ridge, and Cha'ril had been charged with governance of the civilization. However, this was a mighty task for one to undertake alone, and thus he began indulging a new urge, that being to romanticize and to marry. He wanted to pass along the duties to a child so that he, like his parents, could retire to a small cottage in the mountains.

It didn't take long for Cha'ril to meet the most beautiful woman on the planet, Elo'se Vardonna, his sixty-eighth cousin fourth removed. Cha'ril courted Elo'se for eighty moons and eighty suns before taking her to bed and attempting to impregnate her. Unfortunately, Cha'ril was without seed. They tried for five decades to birth a child, having intercourse each morning and each night in vain. Eventually, Cha'ril gave up hope of ever birthing a child. He resigned himself to celibacy, emasculated, and locked himself in his chamber with his 5.

Adultery

Elo'se, however, still sought the pleasure of sexual intercourse, despite her husband's deficiency. So she called out to the cosmos at night, in a harsh whisper, praying to the Gods for a new partner. The Gods laughed at this, but Ig Serroid Lower Dimensional Surveillance Unit #2210 took it upon themselves to provide this service. Elo'se slept for one night with Ig Serroid Magnifigance 320-AB Zipplezork. It was a pleasure beyond any worldly orgasm ever felt in Omniversal History to be fucked by the Upperdimensional timekeepers. And so, Elo'se was finally with child. Excited, she ran to Cha'ril's chambers, banging excitedly on the door to tell her husband the news. But Cha'ril was nowhere to be found.

Legumish Action

Cha'ril had locked himself in his room and begun to meditate, reaching out to the Legume as he did each evening. However, this time, he felt a greater connection than he ever had with the mysterious bean. And so, in the metaphysical realm, he saw a great, shimmering beanstalk, formed of Legumish Legumons and Particulites, stretching from his bedroom window all the way to the Ghetsin-Todd system. And so Cha'ril, grasping his trusty 5, began to climb, and climb, and climb, until Vardonsted was nothing but a small dot on the planet's white surface below him. As Cha'ril climbed, he felt the air escape his lungs, replaced with pure Legumish energy. He climbed faster, and faster, and faster, until suddenly he was falling, and falling, and falling, before crashing into the surface of the untouched wilderness of Ghetsin 3. There, before him, on a small obsidian pedestal, sat the Legume. This was grand.

Cha'ril had finally met his destiny, and so began to build a temple to this bean- erecting over many eons one of the grandest temples in Omniversal History- one which come to be known as the 'Temple of Rannjoe'. Over millions of years, the rodents around Cha'ril evolved and gained consiousness, becoming what was known as 'Ghetsinian Fur Golems'. The largest and strongest of this pack, Millings, was befriended by Cha'ril, and became the resident janitor of the Temple of Rannjoe. This was grand.

As Cha'ril told his story to Millings, the fur golem did his best to remember all of the details and pronouncations. However, Millings was rather daft. As a result, when the other fur golems asked Millings about Cha'ril, he informed them that Cha'ril was a 'Five Warden', an ancient protector of Fives on the planet Wardenville. This was a gross misinterpretation- but the name stuck. Cha'ril was the original Warshipper, and recruited many from across the Omniverse to his cause over the epochs, fading into the background and letting others tap into their extraordinary affinity with the Legume. He held frequent orgies. At last, Cha'ril had found peace.

Addendoid

If Cha'ril had had his way, the Legume would have remained a closely guarded secret. For many years, it remained so, and the Warshippers were a peaceful and leaderless society. However, eventually, G-0001 transplanted Francis Merrigold onto the planet, groomed to be the 'Supreme Warshipper'. Cha'ril excused himself from the planet after this, and his whereabouts became infrequent and unknowable.

Blampistians

Now then dearies, returning to the matter at hand, BLAMPIST-1 G mourned Cha'ril for fifty days after his assumed 'death'. However, El'ose gave the people hope when she revealed that she was with child. This was grand, and was celebrated as such.

El'ose was interim ruler of the planet. BUt she knew that upon her birth of the child, her powers would fall on her progeny- the closest blood relative of Cha'ril. This was not grand in her eyes, and she grew wary. Ig Serroid Lower Dimensional Surveillance Unit #2110 counseled her in her dreams, whispering myths and tall tales about their kind. 'Tell them that he is Cha'ril's child, but has the blood of Ig Serroid in his veins', they whispered, 'tell them he is a God'.

The Baron in his old age, after about 14,000,000 years ruling the planet.

Birth of a Monarch

On April 30, 14,320,001, Baron Vladimir Vardonnen was birthed. El'ose declared that he should rule the planet as a monarch, and abdicated the throne immediately. As such, an infant ruled Vardonna.

However, the Baron was immediately conscious and wise, and demonstrated an affinity for urban planning and agriculture by the age of 1. This his mother attributed to his 'Ig Serroidal Blessing'. The people of Vardonnen, as the Baron slowly grew more intelligent began to revere and warship him. As eons passed the people of Vardonna forgot about a world where they were not ruled by the Baron- who soon became known as the 'Governor'.

Interplanetary Relations

By 2,000 BB, all of the major planets in the BLAMPIST-1 system had been developed. They utilized short-range space travel and traded amongst each other. Vardonna and Arrakis had a particularly close relationship, politically and economically. A Blampistian system government was established on BLAMPIST-1 E (Blampistia Prime) in the capital city of Blampistia, much to the chagrin of The Governor, who argued that Vardonsted, being the oldest and grandest city in the system, would be a more logical choice. But the inner planets agreed that establishing a new city for system governance would be the best solution to ensure equality for everyone. As a concession, BLAMPIST-1 G was granted exclusive veto rights on the Planetary Council.

For the next 2,500 years, the planets co-existed as a Planetary Council, sharing technologies they developed with one another as they refined their means of hyperspace travel. The Governor was repeatedly elected to consecutive terms as the planetary Council Chairman, rendering him the de facto leader of the BLAMPIST-1 system. He gradually centralized and socialized previously fragmented or privatized industries; for example, the Vardonna Mining Co. was a public utility, funded by the government, which paid decent wages, allowed for flexible hours, and was a worker-run co-op. BLAMP-TRANSIT was the system's government-run interplanetary and surface-level mass transportation system, which allowed citizens to make donations but never required any fees. The Governor enjoyed nearly 100% approval ratings as the BLAMPIST-1 system flourished.

The Art of the Deal

In the 400s BB, as interstellar travel became more popular, the council decided it was time to construct a proper interstellar port. What followed was one of the most contentious periods of debate in Blampistian history, where for roughly 20 years, from 499 BB to 479 BB, the council deliberated, for ten hours a day, every day, on where to place this interstellar port.

Fragmentation

Under the increasing divides on the port issue, political parties emerged, with the Fremen-dominated 'Independence' party advocating for less centralized government and lower transplanet shipping taxes, as well as the construction of a port on BLAMPIST-1 C, to be named the 'Arrakian Trading Post'. BLAMPIST-1 B also backed this idea, due to the two desert planets' close proximinity to one another.

The Blampers' Caucus of BLAMPIST-1 D wanted to construct a massive orbital space port which would act as a false satellite, protected by the planet's strange green shield-field. However, this plan was not favorable to any of the other worlds. "No, this idea is ridiculous," BLAMPIST-1 B Blampistian Delegate Ma'dva Soj was quoted as saying on the idea, "One cannot simply build a space station as big as a moon! It's impossible!"

The naturalized citizens of BLAMPIST-1 E, under the 'Core Party', of course wanted to construct the port on a mountain ridge north of Blampistia, an idea which was agreeable to everyone in concept, but was seriously flawed. You see, my dearie, BLAMPIST-1 E's orbit was inside of a vast asteroid belt, and the other planetary delegates argued that putting an interstellar port on a planet inside of an asteroid belt would almost certainly cause frequent lightspeed collisions. This was 'an item of note', according to BLAMPIST-1 E delegate Marxon Xonmark.

The Governor wanted the port constructed in the heart of Vardonsted. After twenty years of fierce debate, BLAMPIST-1 G vetos, and the murder of half of the BLAMPIST-1 B delegation, the Governor ultimately won in a landslide vote on March 8, 479 BB. BLAMPISTS-1 B, C, D, and E all voted for the final Blampistia plan, with BLAMPIST-1 F abstaining.

The ultimate plan, which included $30,000,000,000,000 in infrastructure spending and development funds, was decided upon, with a 9-mile by 9-mile spaceport schematic in the shape of a giant disc. The Governor celebrated this victory, claiming he finally won due to Vardonsted's status as a booming population center, historical and cultural appeal, and of course, his ever-growing influence over the BLAMPIST-1 System. Soon after this, the Governor was re-elected to his 1 millionth term as council chair.

Resentment and Political Violence

As construction for Port Vardonnen began, tensions between the increasingly-factionalized BLAMPIST-1 planets grew to new levels, as civilians took it into their own hands to voice their anger at the growing consolidation of the Governor's control over the system. Soon, guerilla warfare and brawls filled the residential streets of BLAMPIST-1 E. After a fight between Vardonnans and Blampers left the Deputy Mayor of Blampistia dead, BLAMPIST-1 G residents were again banned from entering BLAMPIST-1 E, with hefty fines and potential prison time hanging as threats over their heads. The Governor was outraged at the planetary government, calling on the BLAMPIST-1 E delegation to condemn and remove the President of Blampistia Prime (BLAMPIST-1 E) over the 'racist and inhumane policy'.

BLAMPIST-1 E President K'hova Selmone retaliated, calling Governor Vardonnen an 'angry, power-hungry fossil whose time has long since expired'. Well, this didn't fare well with The Governor, who introduced a resolution at the next Planert

Rotten Arrivals

was on the Governor's doorstep that the Waifurian 'Liberation' fleet arrived in 491 BB, unannounced, with them an army 50,000 strong

In te 490s AB, the Waifurian Empire arrived and conquered the system diplomatically, seizing control of the planetary council and annexing the BLAMPIST-1 System. They built massive mining facilities on BLAMPISTS-1 B, C, and H, and installed military dictatorships on BLAMPISTS-1 E and F.