Desolation of Ottawa
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Not to be confused with the Massacre at Ottawa.
Desolation Prime
the Desolation of Ottawa was a disastrous series of events which ultimately resulted in Canadian annexation into the North American Overlorddom and the utter obliteration of the Parliamentary Center Block at the hands of Magatron and the Decepticons.
Trudeaunium
In 5 BB, in the closing years of the Great META War, the politics of Canada were rife with discontent and unpoliteness. In fact, an entire insult had been used in the Canadian Parliament; this was not grand, and left the Canadian populous aghast. And so, a vote of no confidence was called for the government of Prime Minister Stephen Harper (nee: Harpdick). A snap election was called in the parliament, and the various political parties of Canada began huddling to form coalitions and hopefully win the election. They all knew, based on the trajectory of the war, that whoever was elected would likely see Canada through to the end of the Great META War, and so it was an impolite and raucous struggle to the office of Prime Minister.
Many Canadian politicians threw their hats into the ring. Conservative MP Pierre Pierre Pierre threw his hat into the ring, and so did former Board of Waifuria Chairman James L. Fuck, running on the National Socialists ticket. Pierre Pierre Pierre seemed positioned to win the election; however, he was unceremoniously and viciously stripped of his victory when former Byzantine Emperor and spouse of Joe Biden, Justinian Trudeau, emerged as the Liberal Party's nominee. He won in a landslide, securing 7% of the vote, as opposed to Fuck's 1% and Pierre's 5%. This marked a turning point in Canadian Politics, as Justinian ascended to Prime Minister and promised a new, glorious, kind future for Canada.
Well, dear reader, we'll see about that.
The March of Magatron
Several billion lightyears away, in the Andromeda Galaxy, on the planet Cybertron, the Combine Empire had launched their three-hundred thousandth Stalker-Acquisiton Operation. The Combine's second-in-command, the feared and vindictive G-4323, had personally overseen the invasion, watching from afar aboard a command ship. He had ordered the Combine Overwatch to stalkerify all citizens of Cybertron, in order to use them as cannon fodder in the failing offensive on Earth. However, much to G-4323's dismay, it was discovered the citizens of this planet strongly resisted Combine attempts to stalkerify them. In fact, their metallic bodies and ultra-durable bones rendered them virtually invincible to Combine attacks. They were led by the Decepticon, Magatron, who had been imbued with the blessing of Magarra. It is speculated Magatron was born by the hand of Magarra in order to influence the outcome of the rotten Combine Empire, due to their being on the wrong side of the Employeric Bidding.
Nevertheless, G-4323 and his forces learned of the Magarrish Power present on this planet after Magatron and the Decepticons blasted through the hull of their ship, destroying one of their hyperdrives. G-4323 bemoaned this 'pitiful resistance' and ordered a full Combine retreat from Cybertron. However, his battleship was unable, or unwilling, to reach lightspeed. Frustrated, G-43243 turned the vessel back around, ordering a full orbital bombardment of the robotic planet beneath them. "You shall not die without a fight" He screamed at the Overwatch troops around him on the bridge. As Combine Overwatch troops were deployed to the Hyperdrive to hopefully repair the severe damage to the machine, the orbital bombardment of Cybertron was well underway, and the sprawling cities of the Autobots and Decepticons had all but been reduced to rubble by G-4323's Cruiser. No Cybertronian lives were lost; however, the Combine had suffered massive losses and had gained the ire of Magatron- something they would soon come to deeply regret.
Canadian Wintroid
Justinian Trudeau's first action as PM was to propose a ban on gas vehicles from operating in Ottawa, Canada, due to their alleged alliance with Combine Synthezoids. This executive order was based on a study conducted by the American Bureau for Patriotic Sciences, stationed in Portland, Maine, which determined there was a high likelihood that any and all gasoline-powered machines were servants of the Combine and must be destroyed accordingly. Unfortunately for Justinian, this bill was absolutely demolished in parliament, with Opposition leader Pierre Pierre Pierre decrying it as 'Brain-numbingly-stupid'. Justinian, nontheless, removed his gasoline lawnmower from his garage and destroyed it with a machine gun, a traditionally American practice which raised eyebrows in the Parliament as to his true allegiances. Not helped by the fact was a private meeting held between Justinian and United States President Barack Obamna several days later. The public did not know the details of this meeting; however, in this meeting Obamna revealed that the Great MAGA King had returned from hiding. He audibly wondered whether Trudeau's recent reappearance had any connection to Donald Trump's. Justinian assured Obamna it was only a coincidence, but was reported to have worn a golden watch engraved with the letter 'M' to the meeting.
Combine Failure
G-4323 deeply regretted his decision to personally lead this incursion of Cybertron; as the Combine Overwatch troops were easily dispatched by the Cybertronians. He contacted the COCK requesting backup; but recieved no response. Emperor Xos will pay for this, G-4323 thought to himself, as the doors of the bridge were smashed open, and Magatron entered, wielding what had once been a Combine gunship in his fist.
It is rather important detail to note that the Hyperdrive had been almost completed by this point; almost. Despite this, G-4323's cruiser was horrendously damaged; it would be unable to return to the COCK through traditional means in this state. Not to mention, Cybertron was completely blocking out the rest of the Andromeda galaxy from this position- and had oddly enough stopped orbiting its star. There would be no hyperspace routes back to any Combine-friendly home turf. G-4323, it seemed, had been backed into a corner. He was trapped in a room with Magatron, and several other Decepticons; his forces had dwindled, and he had no means of physical defense (as this was before his synthezoidal enchantments). But where could he go? he held his hands up, slowly backing away toward the Hyperdrive panel. If he decided to jump to another planet, it had better be one where he knew there'd be suitable reinforcements. One where the Combine presence was assuredly heavy... and had been for the last 200 years. And perhaps most importantly... it would need to be a planet which offered an expeditious route home. G-4323 sighed, shaking his head to himself, and smashed his fist on the Hyperdrive control panel.
"Computer, turn this ship around," G-4323 declared, "And set course for Earth."
Blunderoid Meeting
At the 4 BB Board of Waifuria Summit, reporters observed noticable tensions between Justinian Trudeau and the Rotten Mummy. Historian Alfred T. Muckracker explained on a segment of NewsNow Tonight : "The two had been romantically entangled 1400 years ago, and likely still have some feeling for one another." Tensions at the summit compounded when the Mexican Delegate, Arman Gonzales (who seemed unsure if his country even had a government at this point) repeatedly rambled about 'the Waking Skeletons' which roamed Combine-Occupied Chihauhau, Mexico. His concerns were duly noted and ignored by Mummyrot, who instead spent the majority of the meeting studying his leather shoes, the wall paneling, and a pimple on Barack Obamna's left cheek. The summit discussed a variety of topics, including the Magarrish Return of the Great MAGA King, a potential union between all North American nations (Proposed by Mummy, turned down by all member states), and the continuing nuisance of Portland Oregon. Mummy completely forgot about the war until about 6 hours after the meeting.
In a press conference following the summit, Joe Biden said something that would have alarmed any citizen of the United States, had they known of the Wicked Truths of the Omniverse. Maybe they were unable to parse it out through all of the brainrot. Said Biden: "Folks, look. In San Andreas California, there's a kid, young guy, handsome face. You know what I mean. And we got guys in the military made out of wood. That sort of thing rocks. But listen here champ. Listen good. I sense a deep disturbance in the Legumish Staticflow. The balance has shifted- something's changing. I can't tell what, jack, but Maga's got more than one ace up his sleeve. That's all I'll say, fat. Mung beans, mung beans. Court martial my daughter."
Canadian Climate Policy
The Great META War, thank the Gods, finally came to an end in 1BB, and Donald J. Trump claimed total responsibility for this success. He had taken office in 3 BB and was halfway through his term; promising to construct a Border Wall around the World to keep everything and everyone off of Earth. Meanwhile, in Canada, other things were afoot; namely, Trudeaunium had tried five times to rename Canada to 'New Byzantium', each time being struck down by the ruling party, his own party, which told him this was an 'objectively stupid thing'. Trudeau proved quite brainrotten in his leadership style, despite his youthful experience, and it was speculated by many Omniversal Historians that he had been gifted some of Mummy's brain termites, cursed to the latter by Osiris, through their close proximity in 1428-1427 BB. Nevertheless, Trudeau's government, after the war, set to work rebuilding the Canadian Province of Ontario. Every other province was set to be repaired by 'early 2030' (Or 10 AB, for you non-rotten minds out there.). Soon, then, my dearies, the Aftertimes began, and the world began rebuilding. Little did they know, a rotten crisis was on the horizon- things were going to chill... out.
North American Overlorddom and the Grand Freeze
In 1 AB, Joe Biden was elected President of the United States, and declared all of North America to be under his control, in the new North American Overlorddom. The Canadian Parliament rejected this 'offer', reaffirming their own independence, and Justinian promised Biden a -4% tax rate on all American goods entering the country, should they not invade. Mummy agreed on this tentative agreement, and instead set his sights on the other Board of Waifuria Member states.
The weather during this time was increasingly erratic; massive hurricanes, droughts, blizzard, and more. It had undoubtedly gotten worse since the war ended. This was affirmed when the entire Canadian city of Vancouver was set on fire by the Largest Thunderbolt Ever. At this point, Justinian declared a national emergency, mobilizing the fire departments to 'finish the job'. All of these extreme weather events culminated in 6AB, however, in the Grand Freeze, when all ocean currents effectively died and the Earth fell into a deep ice age. Things were grim across the world-- and they were only about to get worse.
Discovery
In early 7 AB, Canadian Coast Guard were patrolling the frozen portion of Lake Erie in late July, when they stumbled across what appeared to be a metal safe, half-submerged in the lake. They hastily removed it, snow blistering against their skin. It was a hot day; it was nearly 5 Degrees. They pulled the case out of the water and took it back to their command base; cracking it open, they discovered an elderly man inside; breathing, and hooked up to various tubes. The exterior of the box was lined with radiation-proof metals; and the interior was cushioned and padded. They alerted the Prime Minister to their discovery, and he immediately boarded his private airplane and touched down at the base. They opened the case, and finally awoke the man; bleary-eyed and confused, the white-bearded individual sat up, surveying his surroundings. "Did we win?" He asked, a tear streaming down his face. Trudeau took his hands in his, and nodded. "Yes, we won, my friend. We won!"
"Oh, yippee!" The box man declared, jumping up and down. "They were overwhelming us... there were so many of them! I fought near the lake- Lake Erie, it was called. And then-- there was this blinding light, and they shut me into my survival box- oh, how joyous this day is!"
"Such a joy!" Replied Trudeau, "In fact, I shall honor you in Parliament tomorrow. Come along, fine gentleman. Let us give you the credit you deserve!"
End of the Journey
After 12 years in hyperspace, and the deaths of his entire crew, save for several Manhacks, G-4323 and the Decepticons exited hyperspace behind Earth's moon. But G-4323 was perplexed. Where were all of the Combine Troops? Where were all of his soldiers, and glorious blockades. None of it existed. A ring of debris, instead, circled the Earth, unmistakably Combine debris. G-4323 was speechless. Magatron, however, laughed smugly.
"I would have waited an eternity for this" he laughed, as the sun peaked over the Earth's horizon, "You have brought us straight to your homeworld. For that, I give you my thanks."
"What will you do to them?" G-4323 asked, curiously.
"When we are finished, General," said Magatron, armoring up, "There won't be a planet left for you to weep over."
Colossal Fuck-Up
Well, the next day in Canadian Parliament, Justinian Trudeau clinked his spoon against his Ginger Ale can (We do not have an explanation for this) and spoke.
"Honorable Members of Parliament, allow me to introduce a veteran of our centuries of conflict. A former footsoldier, he worked his way up the ranks to become a commander of his own Battallion. He served as Director of the Black Mesa Research Institute and was a highly respected mind in the Sciences. This gentleman was thought dead after the Bombing of Columbus, but thankfully stands here before you today. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce...
Corporal Wallace Breen."
The Parliament applauded grandly, very thrilled apparently to see a traitor and war criminal in their walls. Breen fidgeted and smiled, waving at everyone in the balcony. This was particularly rotten given his history of excising the rotten Scorched Cock Policy on Canadian Troops for the better part of a Decade during the rotten Combine Occupation of Ohio.
Magatron's Chance
"Are you sure you want to decimate them?" Asked G-4323, his hands clasped behind his back in handcuffs, "They are truly such fascinating creatures."
"If they're anything like you," replied Magatron, " the most fascinating thing about them would be their brains on the pavement. Now set the ship down for us."
G-4323 frowned. He pondered revealing the truth of the humans; that they were his greatest enemy. But he thought against it.
"They're highly sophisticated and advanced," G-4323 continued, "Despite what their planet may look like."
"Looks like a snowball," Magatron grunted.
"Perhaps I can prove it to you, great Magatron," G-4323 began, "Allow me one chance to prove the goodness of my people. Let me take you to one of their governments. When you see their civility, their democracy, their normalcy, perhaps then you will call off your attack."
"You have persistence, General," Magatron said, "I hate Persistence. But very well. I will agree to these terms. But if they prove themselves sinful..." he held a finger against G-4323's temple, making a gun motion, "You, and them, will die."
The Combine cruiser set down outside of Ottawa; G-4323 knew that whatever state America was in now-- it certainly wouldn't be an example in his favor. So he quietly stepped forward, Magatron disguising himself as a Mack Titan 10 Wheeler fuel truck, and entered the Canadian Parliamentary halls.
Colossal Fuck-Up, Part II
G-4323 and the Mack Titan 10-Wheeler fuel truck quietly filed into the Parliamentary viewing balcony, observing the parliamentary goings-on from afar. They were giving a round of applause to an elderly gentleman- and G-4323 felt compelled to begin clapping, as well. However, his face ran cold when he realized the man the Canadian Parliament was applauding. Combine Corporal Wallace Breen- a human defector from the war. Judging from the total lack of Combine troops on Earth, he'd surmised they'd withdrawn, or lost, in a normal and non-magnetized way, and so felt his stomach sinking as he looked upon Wallace Breen's standing ovation.
"Perhaps, Great Magatron, we should look to a different government--"
"No. This one's fine." Magatron replied.
Soon enough, Pierre Pierre Pierre rose from his seat, his face red and steamy.
"MISTER PRIME MINISTER!" He bellowed, fists balled, throwing papers into the air, "THIS MAN IS A COMBINE DEFECTOR AND A TRAITOR TO THE PLANET!"
Trudeau frowned.
"No he's not."
Pierre Pierre Pierre nodded, angrily. "YES, HE IS. AND I SHOULD KNOW!" He dropped his pants and revealed his own Scorched Cock, scorched 28 years earlier by the Rotten Breen Cock-Scorching Division. Breen stifled a smile- how Wicked and Rotten was he. Magatron's engine revved up.
"It appears we won't be working together," G-4323 sighed, standing and brushing off his suit.