BLAMPIST-1 G
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BLAMPIST-1 G (Vardonna) was an arid world covered in dunes of sodium chloride (salt) and a subterrenean ocean, lush with aquatic plants and creatures. The sixth and most populous planet of the BLAMPIST-1 system, it was home to around 10 billion humash who referred to themselves as 'Vardonnens'. The Vardonnens settled BLAMPIST-1 G in the 15,000,000s BB. This is the story of their world...
First Settlement
The history of Vardonna was a tale passed down for eons through generations of Vardonnens. Legend goes that in the year 55,555,555 BB, when the Milky Way was young, BLAMPIST-1 aligned perfectly with then-medium sized black hole Sagittarius A. The seven planets, many still brewing with liquid surfaces and doomed moons, were locked, for a moment, in a perfect line pointing toward the Milky Way's core. Directly opposite BLAMPIST-1, on the far side of Sagittarius A, was another seven-planet solar system, which also aligned with the black hole. It was said that in honor of the beauty and splendor of this occassion that the Gods delivered from a white portal two humash; a man, Mada, and another man, Evan.
In these days, Vardonna was a dark water world; churning with tropical storms and monumental winds. Its poles were frigid blizzard vortexi, and its equator was a volcanic hotspot.
However, when the humash descended from the heavens, Mada carried by Father Snow, and Evan by Ed Wool, the planet's climate immediately stabilized; equalized across its entire surface, due to the harmonious duality of Mada, the masculine, and Eve, the feminine. Vardonna adopted a universal surface temperature of 69 degrees Fahrenheit, the perfect temperature for humash to thrive. And thrive they did.
Child
After five days on the surface of BLAMPIST-1 G, the young humash awoke one morning to find an infant nestled in the salt dunes outside their home. This infant held in the palms of his hands a seemingly innocuous number '5', and babbled incoherently at Mada and Evan. This boy, who they named Cha'ril Vardonna, would become quite the influential figure.
As Mada and Evan raised their new progeny, they developed their homestead. As generations passed and their family expanded, the homestead grew into a large settlement, Vardonsted. Humash were, unless physically wounded, immortal, and thusly the family expanded at an exponential rate. Cha'ril exhibited great affinity and connection with the Legume, one of the first Omniversal beings to do so. Each night he would point up at the sky, toward the brightest two stars in the sky. At first, Mada and Evan were mystified by this action. However, with the advent of astronomy, they discovered that Cha'ril was pointing toward two stars- encircled by four planets- this being the Ghetsin-Todd system.
Maturroids
Cha'ril reached maturity after 555 years, as was foreseen by Ig Serroid Lower Dimensional Surveillance Unit #2210. By this point, Vardonsted was the largest population center in the BLAMPIST-1 system. Mada and Evan had retired to a ranch over the ridge, and Cha'ril had been charged with governance of the civilization. However, this was a mighty task for one to undertake alone, and thus he began indulging a new urge, that being to romanticize and to marry. He wanted to pass along the duties to a child so that he, like his parents, could retire to a small cottage in the mountains.
It didn't take long for Cha'ril to meet the most beautiful woman on the planet, Elo'se Vardonna, his sixty-eighth cousin fourth removed. Cha'ril courted Elo'se for eighty moons and eighty suns before taking her to bed and attempting to impregnate her. Unfortunately, Cha'ril was without seed. They tried for five decades to birth a child, having intercourse each morning and each night in vain. Eventually, Cha'ril gave up hope of ever birthing a child. He resigned himself to celibacy, emasculated, and locked himself in his chamber with his 5.
Adultery
Elo'se, however, still sought the pleasure of sexual intercourse, despite her husband's deficiency. So she called out to the cosmos at night, in a harsh whisper, praying to the Gods for a new partner. The Gods laughed at this, but Ig Serroid Lower Dimensional Surveillance Unit #2210 took it upon themselves to provide this service. Elo'se slept for one night with Ig Serroid Magnifigance 320-AB Zipplezork. It was a pleasure beyond any worldly orgasm ever felt in Omniversal History to be fucked by the Upperdimensional timekeepers. And so, Elo'se was finally with child. Excited, she ran to Cha'ril's chambers, banging excitedly on the door to tell her husband the news. But Cha'ril was nowhere to be found.
Legumish Action
Cha'ril had locked himself in his room and begun to meditate, reaching out to the Legume as he did each evening. However, this time, he felt a greater connection than he ever had with the mysterious bean. And so, in the metaphysical realm, he saw a great, shimmering beanstalk, formed of Legumish Legumons and Particulites, stretching from his bedroom window all the way to the Ghetsin-Todd system. And so Cha'ril, grasping his trusty 5, began to climb, and climb, and climb, until Vardonsted was nothing but a small dot on the planet's white surface below him. As Cha'ril climbed, he felt the air escape his lungs, replaced with pure Legumish energy. He climbed faster, and faster, and faster, until suddenly he was falling, and falling, and falling, before crashing into the surface of the untouched wilderness of Ghetsin 3. There, before him, on a small obsidian pedestal, sat the Legume. This was grand.
Cha'ril had finally met his destiny, and so began to build a temple to this bean- erecting over many eons one of the grandest temples in Omniversal History- one which come to be known as the 'Temple of Rannjoe'. Over millions of years, the rodents around Cha'ril evolved and gained consiousness, becoming what was known as 'Ghetsinian Fur Golems'. The largest and strongest of this pack, Millings, was befriended by Cha'ril, and became the resident janitor of the Temple of Rannjoe. This was grand.
As Cha'ril told his story to Millings, the fur golem did his best to remember all of the details and pronouncations. However, Millings was rather daft. As a result, when the other fur golems asked Millings about Cha'ril, he informed them that Cha'ril was a 'Five Warden', an ancient protector of Fives on the planet Wardenville. This was a gross misinterpretation- but the name stuck. Cha'ril was the original Warshipper, and recruited many from across the Omniverse to his cause over the epochs, fading into the background and letting others tap into their extraordinary affinity with the Legume. He held frequent orgies. At last, Cha'ril had found peace.
Addendoid
If Cha'ril had had his way, the Legume would have remained a closely guarded secret. For many years, it remained so, and the Warshippers were a peaceful and leaderless society. However, eventually, the G-Man transplanted Francis Merrigold onto the planet, groomed to be the 'Supreme Warshipper'. Cha'ril excused himself from the planet after this, and his whereabouts became infrequent and unknowable.
Blampistians
Now then dearies,