Liberation of Berrand

Arrival of Rick Hernia & Gleryate

For many years, Rick Hernia and the Gleryate traveled the Omniverse righting wrongs and teaching others in the ways of the Force- and the Legume.

Rick sensed on Berrand both Hunter Biden’s incredible force sensitivity (a power level he had only seen once before, in himself) and the distress of Hunter’s enslaved Dutt Kroasins calling out in agony.

When Rick, in Omniversal Incarnate, arrived on Berrand, he brought two Gleryate with him. Rick was horrified by the horrors he saw in New Memphis; dead corpses in the streets, starving and hungry Dutt Kroasins groveling in dirty alleyways, and a massive banner flying over the city reading “Hail our Lord and Savior” with Hunter Biden’s face on it. A ghostly image of Joe Biden stood behind Hunter, smiling that infamous Rotten Mummy smile.

Rick knew something was amiss. He vowed to liberate the Dutt Kroasins, and asked to see Hunter Biden.

Rick and the Gleryate arrived at Hunter’s Divine Palace (a place that suspiciously resembled the Bass Pro Shop Pyramid) and knocked on a massive door fashioned from the bones and skin of Hunter’s victims.

“He’s not home.”, came a wretched voice from within the walls. Rick Hernia, dissapointed by Hunter’s cowardice, shrugged and motioned for the Gleryate to retreat. Rick held his hands to this dusty skies of Berrand, and concentrated with all his might on the faint ring of dust around the planet. Rick fashioned the celestial dust into a massive subwoofer. The Gleryate were puzzled by this, but Rick reassured them of his plan. Rick connected his iPhone 6K33 to the speaker and began playing his favorite tune, BA$EDGOD.

The bass from the celestial subwoofer was three times as mighty as the great Subwoofer City of Discorthia, and the spiritual lyrical beats blasted Hunter’s front gate to pieces with a concentrated sound beam.

Hunter’s Lament

Hunter was enraged as he watched the destruction play out. How dare this foreign invader destroy his sacred city? Hunter shot a tendril of Force fire into the sky and blasted Rick’s subwoofer to smithereens. Hunter put the city on lockdown, bringing a massive iron dome around the city of slaves. Rick Hernia and the Gleryate became trapped inside.

Hunter heard Rick Hernia’s calm reassurance of the Gleryate, and felt familiar anger welling up inside of him. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” Rick said. Hunter screamed out in rage, and jumped down to stand feet away from Rick Hernia.

“Who are you? You come to my sacred city and desecrate my people’s work?”, Hunter snarled at Rick. Rick watched calmly as Hunter Biden prowled around him and the Gleryate.

“Your people were forced to do this work. I came after hearing their calls for distress- and I intend to liberate them.”, Rick said, towering over Hunter Biden.

Hunter couldn’t help but laugh. “Liberate them? Liberate them from what? This is freedom, is it not?”

“This is slavery. This is subjugation. You know this is wrong, Hunter.”, Rick said quietly.

Hunter looked away, angrily. “ You know, I grew up in American Waifuria. I saw what true freedom looked like. My father brought peace and stability to an angry, war-torn world.”

“And what did they give him in return? Nothing. They shot him into- they shot him into a star.”

Rick sighed. He furrowed his brow.

“Your father was a sick man, Hunter.”

“My Father was not SICK!“ Hunter screamed, shaking the dusty ground.

“He was sick for fifty thousand years. By the final days, he could barely remember what his job was. Surely you must see that -at the very least- he destroyed democracy on Earth. At most he has doomed the Omniverse!”

“You dare come to MY planet, insult MY father AND his Legacy, and expect to leave alive?”

“Your father ushered in a new era of galactic tyrannny on a scale not seen since the Old Combine Kingdom. I work to undo his wretched blunders in whatever way I can. I tie up any loose ends I find… and that includes you.”

Hunter growled at Rick. “Do your worst.”

Rick Hernia took a step back and motioned for the Gleryate to attack Hunter.

Bidensaber

Hunter snarled and revealed a rotten weapon he had constructed- the Bidensaber. Fashioned from Hunter’s own shin bone (then replaced with a cybernetic implant), the lightsaber was emblazoned with gold and bismuth accents. Hunter activated his weapon and charged at the Gleryate. The first of the Gleryate dodged the attack, but the second was caught by surprise and beheaded.

Hunter faced the standing Gleryate, which emitted a piercing high pitched chord and charged at him with its own energy blade. Rick Hernia quietly blessed the Gleryate with Legumal Essence and hurried away into the shadows.

Rick’s Plan

Rick Hernia gathered up the surviving Dutt Kroasins in the city square. “Tell your friends it’s time to go. Hurry, as soon as you can. You’ll be free, but we have to go now.” The Dutt Kroasins excitedly hurried back to their homes, jumping over forgotten corpses and piles of bones to retrieve their belongings. Within fifteen minutes, over eighty Dutt Kroasins stood around Rick Hernia.

“Now, here’s our plan. Hunter is distracted… but he won’t be for long. One thing he’s got that he didn’t get from his father… is a brain. I’m going to open a portal, and I need you to go inside.”

“How do we know you aren’t going to enslave us like he did?” One Dutt Kroasin quivered.

Rick sighed. “I suppose all you have is my word. But I swear to you, when you go through that portal, you will be home.”

One elderly Dutt Kroasins stepped forward, and placed its claw on Rick’s shoulder.

“You are a good man. What is your name?”

Rick smiled. “Rick Hernia.”

The old Dutt Kroasin chuckled. “I am Mit. Thank you Rick Hernia. May the gods bless you.” Mit walked through the portal. The rest of the Dutt Kroasins followed suit. After the last of them had entered the portal, Rick closed it quickly and started back towards Hunter. Hunter, however, found him first.

The Scourge of the Omniverse

Hunter stared blankly at Rick. He held a Gleryate’s head in each hand, and held the Bidensaber in his mouth. He dropped the Gleryate heads and pocketed his weapon.

Hunter stared at Rick silently for several seconds.

“They’re gone, aren’t they?”, Hunter asked, quietly.

Rick nodded.

“Well, I surrender.”

“What?“

“I surrender. You won! You saved the day! You transported all those Dutt Kroasins to back Home! High five!”

Rick felt sick.

Hunter paused for a moment. A wicked grin slowly crept across his face.

“Unless… of course… you didn’t…”

Rick felt the agonizing screams of the Dutt Kroasins piercing him. They were someplace violent- someplace unwelcoming- someplace very hot.

Portland Oregon.

Rick was aghast.

“How-“

“It wasn’t that hard, Ricky. I just made my own portal right behind yours. It’s basic teleportation science, really.”

Rick Hernia regained his composure.

“How did you- how did you learn to conjure Force portals?”

Hunter’s wretched grin grew wider.

“On Dutt Kroasis, King Bismuth had a…visitor who taught him the ways of the Force.”

Of course. Hunter had been watching Rick’s Force lessons to the King. He hadn’t known Force Hyperaudation was possible- but here was the evidence, standing in front of him. Hunter’s Force mastery was Rick’s own doing.

“I took the liberty of educating myself from your teachings, too, Rick. One of my favorite moves is… is the Force Choke.”

Hunter reached up suddenly and held Rick in the air by his corporeal throat, suffocating him. Rick Hernia felt his ties to the Legume severed, and his Force powers drained. Hunter was an energy vampire.

“And now, Ricky, I have a question for you.”, Hunter whispered, mere inches from Rick’s face.

“What do you get… when you cross a disgraced heir to the throne… with a righteous space prophet and his merry band of angels?”

Rick braced himself.

“You get what you fucking deserve.”

Hunter stabbed Rick four times in the chest, then released his victim onto the dusty ground of Berrand.

Hunter opened a portal in the sky and watched the burned, singed, and Portlandified Dutt Kroasins fall helplessly to the ground, groveling and screaming in agony.

Rick’s Curse

Rick Hernia regained conscience onboard a Gleryate starship, in a half-assembled body.

“What’s wrong?” Rick felt constricted and hollow.

A Gleryate approached him.

“Your connection to Force has been lost. Hunter Biden has made Rick powerless.”, the Gleryate said.

Rick was shaken to the core by this.

“I- I’m- just like that? I’m powerless?”

“Yes. Any more question?“

“What happens next?” Rick asked.

The Gleryate released a slow, melancholy chord.

“We reassemble Omniversal Incarnate. You need body or you cease to exist. Force connection not strong enough to keep you alive.”

Rick coughed and looked down at the empty space where his chest should’ve been.

“How long will that take?”

“Not sure. You need to rest. We correct error soon.”

Rick Hernia felt defeated, but he obliged. He vowed to himself in that moment that he would rid the Omniverse of Hunter Biden, and restore justice to the Waifurian Empire.